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Forums Serious Talk My mom is not well

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 04:44:34 )

I found out a few weeks ago that my mom needs open heart surgery. (She will be 60 in August). This is her 2nd one, she had one before in 2001. We don't know the date of surgery, but she is meeting with the surgeon on Wednesday. (So I'll probably have a date then.)

I live in CA and my mom lives in PA. It's at least a 6 hour plane ride there, but there are no direct flights at the moment so it's more like a 4+ hour flight, a long layover and then a 2-3 hour flight. Because of the Pandemic I strongly feel I can't really go and be there for her in person. It's too risky. My sister went to go and be there for her. I'm glad that she went. It's just really stressing me out. Just after shitty thing that's happening in 2020.

I thought about driving, even though it's a total of 48 hours driving, but it's also too risky to rent a car and then stay in 4-5 hotels. Plus I gotta eat and get gas along the way. And Coronavirus cases seem to be getting worse again in the US. So I feel like I have to be here, and to be honest I don't want Corona, healthy people have died from thus, but my first thought was if I go and I get Corona I'm going to give it to my mother and it will kill her. I can't do that. I couldn't live with myself if that happened.


Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 04:47:34 )

I feel like the stress is manifesting itself by my heart rate being elevated all the time. Why does this have to happen during the Pandemic. We are all already suffering through so much. Of course 2020 would also throw this at me, but I feel like I can't take it well. I feel helpless and that just causes more stress on me, but then I think it's not about me. That's selfish. My mom is the one going through major surgery that has a long recover time.

I thought, well if I moved to DC in the summer (instead of Nov like I thought at first), I could finish moving, self quarantine at home and then just rent a car to my mom's in PA and then help her out then after surgery ?


Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 04:50:09 )

I think that's a good plan, but then also trying to move during a pandemic is stressing me out too. I own a condo in CA, I don't rent, so I have to deal with selling a house, then moving cross the country and renting a place in DC (temp for like a year then buy a place there).

So that shit isn't helping here. And the Coronavirus cases and growing so out of control in America. It's scary and stressing me out. I don't want people to die, I don't want people to lose their jobs, have no money and then go hungry. I know that it's not the time to think about that when I have my own stuff to worry about but it's the kind of person I am. ^^; I can't help it that I have a lot of empathy. ^^;


Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 04:50:25 )

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.


Donator — Kushy Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 10:34:05 )
@totalanimefan: im so sorry ur mums having to go through surgery again.. im sure ur mum would understand the situation.. it is a very stressful time for you all.. and with u living so far away ur anxiety is kicking in about everything.. does ur sister live closer to ur mum?.. it would be too much for u to drive and it would cost alot as well with all the hotels.... where u live now did it stay open and not have a lockdown? Where im from places are only starting to open now and its only like one shop at a time.. so maybe if u did start driving they're might not be any hotels open or they might be full if they are with all this pandemic going on..
When the pandemic first started thats all i could think about.. was people getting sick/dying shops shutting and everyone going hungry.. but we got through and and u guys will get through it too .. people need to just keep isolating and keep using hand sanitizer.. and keep cleaning with disinfectant... you and ur family are in my thoughts and prayers <3

Artist — Frog bless Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 16:12:52 )

I'm sorry Total. =( Regardless of what else is happening in the world time still goes on. It's really frustrating to be on lock down, but everything else still happens and we are limited to react.

I don't know what options are available but if there are other ways to keep in contact with your mom, the moral support can mean a lot.

Also please make sure you're taking time to care for yourself. Everyone is under a lot of stress right now and I know it's far too easy to forget to do regular self care when we're so distracted by all the problems we're facing. Also remember that just because others are going through worse things, it does not invalidate your own problems. It's ok to be upset or disappointed or worried.

Donator — f Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 20:34:57 )

:( I'm sorry you and your family are going through this, ESPECIALLY right now :( I don't think there's any practical help I can offer but know that I am thinking of you and if you want to chat I'm here :)


Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 22:13:12 )

@LilMissKushy: Thanks for the reply. My sister doesn't live closer, but her airport had a more direct route and she said that she wanted to go no matter what. I'm glad that she is. So that someone can be there for my mom. Where I live cases are steady, but for the whole state cases just broke a new all time high. Also 22 states just had an all time high this weekend and I would drive through most of them. Hotels are open in this country, well most are, because they are considered essential. So they are allowed to stay open if they want to.

Yeah in the beginning of the pandemic I thought about that a lot more than I am know. It's just sooo sad to me. I have money, which I feel very blessed to be able to stay right now, but my grocery stores where almost complete out of food for the first 6 weeks. No rice, pasta, meat, TP, cereal etc, so I did experience was it was like to be without food, or easy access to food and boy it was stressful. I already didn't like wasting food, but now I'm even better about it. And I started growing my own lettuce cause of it. Anyway, I'm getting kinda off topic here.

I think I might have come up with a plan to be there for my mom. (I know that you aren't American, so I'll try and explain how far away things are). I currently live on the west coast of the US. The east coast of the US is normally a 6 hour plane ride away. My husband and I were already trying to get the go ahead for moving to a city on the east coast, DC. DC is not were my mom lives but it's only about a 3 hour or so drive to her place from DC. So if we move there, and then I can stay in DC for 14 days to make sure I'm not sick and then rent a car and travel to my mom's safely. Without using a hotel, and maybe I wouldn't even have to stop for gas.


Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/22 22:21:13 )

@Priestess of Pie: Thanks hun. I feel like you always know what to say. ^^ I'm going to FaceTime her a lot, and we do have a group text with my sister, mom, my husband and me.
I read what you said about taking care of myself a few hours before I wrote this reply. I've tried to take it to heart. I picked up food from the store and I made myself a nice lunch, and bought myself a drink as a treat. I also cleaned up a little around the house and it made me feel better. It's not perfect, but it's the small things that can make a difference.
I posted this above, but soon we will get the ok from my husband's boss we can start the moving process for DC, which would be in August. If my mom has the surgery in July, and my sister stays with her in the beginning there shouldn't be that much of a gap between my sister and I's shifts.
I want to tell them the news and my plan but I don't want to do that until I know for sure. I'm excited and anxious about it. But giving me a goal and something to do is much better for my anxiety than me just sitting around and waiting. Now I know that I need to take the animals to the vet, take myself to the eye dr and Denist before I leave, sell our cars, call a realtor, things like that. Even though it's a lot of work that checklist is good for me.

@sunny: Thank you. You have been so supportive and I have enjoyed chatting to you. My sister is in PA now, and she can see my mom in 14 days after getting tested.


Voltie — She/Her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 00:43:46 )
I'm so sorry you're going through that, and every one of your feelings are valid. You're not selfish for wanting to be there for her, but I applaud you for thinking of her health with the whole coronavirus. Until you can arrange to be with her in person, do you think you can arrange Facetime/Skype/whatever app calling with her? I know it's not the same as being there in person, but maybe it'll help ease your feelings some? I work in an assisted living and memory care facility, and since officials are advising that we don't open our doors to visitors yet, we've been doing things like the above mentioned virtual visits, and have even done window visits where their loved ones can sit outside a window to talk to them.
I absolutely know that this is not the same as physically holding someone they love, but for some it gives them comfort just to see their loved ones' faces in real time.

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 01:40:15 )

@Aisukohi: Thanks. I will be FaceTiming her. It's just that after this surgery you can't really do anything because they crack your ribs open to do it.


Voltie — She/Her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 01:55:22 )
@totalanimefan: That's good, and ouch. D;
Is there anyone you can at least call after to see how she's doing?

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 01:57:58 )

@Aisukohi: Yeah I can, and I can keep in touch with my sister who is there, but she does have to go back and live her life too. She is going to fly back July 15th, but I think she might extend that. It depends on how my mom is doing.


Voltie — She/Her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 03:00:42 )
@totalanimefan: Well I hope your mom makes a swift and safe recovery!
Please call me Aisu or Kohi if you like!

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 03:31:58 )

@Aisukohi: Thank you. Me too.


Donator — Kushy Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 12:26:53 )
@totalanimefan: im sure ur mum wouldnt want u to risk getting sick yourself i think the us should of had stricter rules for a lock down because the us is a big country and its taking longer now for it to go away...
When is ur mum having her surgery if u dont mind me asking ?.. and as u said u can face time her so she still gets to see u and talk with you..
And ur plan seems like a good plan.. i will be thinking of u all and hope ur plan works out and u get to move sooner.. you'll get to be there for ur mum try not to stress yourself too much

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 18:15:40 )

@LilMissKushy: we won’t know the date until tomorrow.


Donator — f Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 19:12:02 )



Artist — Frog bless Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 20:06:22 )

@totalanimefan: Good, I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Having a plan definitely helps. It keeps you from getting overwhelmed.
Mallow Tumbleweed
My sons.

Donator — She/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/06/23 20:24:49 )

@sunny: 😊 ❤️
@Priestess of Pie: Yeah I've found in the past that making a plan of what I can and can't do helps and what order I can do what I have to do.

By Ghost
I'm friendly and will chat with anyone!

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