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Forums Serious Talk I am stuck.

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2021/11/24 21:20:19 )

So... I did something really, really stupid.
I feel really scared and confused right now.

****TRIGGER WARNING!: Ab*se mentioned, no graphic details though...


I know you guys know that I recently found out I was pregnant. Well, I've been meaning to get back in contact with my abusive ex because I wanted to tell him off and to tell him how mad and upset I was that he hurt me so badly in the past. I mean, I was really mad. But when I found out I was pregnant, I figured I should let him know... I don't know why. But I tried contacting him for weeks with no luck. I figured he had blocked my number and had deleted all of the social media we used to chat on. I was about to give up, thinking we'd never speak again, but I ended up finding a random app on my phone that we used to use to text through (because it had disappearing messages) and I thought to myself, "Why not?" So I contacted him on this app and to my surprise, he replied! He immediately started to apologize to me, telling me how sorry he was that he was so violent towards me and how it wasn't fair to me that he would take his frustrations out on me.

I was flabbergasted?! Like, he seemed like a completely different person?! This was news to me! He seemed like he did when we first met. I told him I was pregnant and he was so excited. He wanted to be involved and I was excited too. I ended up falling in love with him again and when he asked if we could try it again, I said "YES!" And now I'm here.... stuck.

He seemed like he changed, but I'm not so sure he has anymore. He hasn't threatened to beat me or anything like that. He hasn't even raised a hand like he's going to hit me, but I don't feel safe around him anymore. It feels like when I set a boundary, he crosses it. And then makes me feel bad for setting the boundary so I end up revoking it and he just crosses the boundary again anyway? This has happened a couple of times since we've been back together. He also only seems to care/contact me when he's horny... Like, I understand we're dating and his love language is sex, so I get it. To him, sex is very important in a relationship. But I feel like that's all I am to him. :/

And with my recent miscarriage, he's been constantly asking me if I'm okay, but doesn't actually do anything to make me feel better. He will just hug me and say, "I'm sorry, baby" and that's about it. And then when I asked him for some space, he seemed to get pissy with me. But refused to talk to me about WHY he was pissy. I finally got in contact with him and he explained to me that he was feeling depressed and was feeling like a failure at life. Which, worried me greatly. In the past, when he would get depressed, he'd take it out on me. I don't want to go into detail about what he would do to me, but in as little words as possible, he'd hurt me. Every time he fell into a depression, he'd lash out at me and I'd always end up getting hurt.... I don't know why. And I would always just sit there and take it because I knew he was upset and I wanted to be there for him when he needed me.

He also made me promise to never abandon him. He has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and would get weirdly obsessed with me "abandoning" him. And with my miscarriage going on, it feels like he's been just... I dunno. I don't feel like I am safe around him? But at the same time, I love him. I love him so much and I felt like that person I originally fell in love with is still in there and he'll come back eventually. I just have to wait it out and maybe if I stay by his side, he'll come back? I know this probably sounds so stupid but I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone! I can't leave him, and I don't have a lot of support through this miscarriage and I'm really struggling. He's fickle, but at least he's kinda sorta there for me. He also provides me with love and sorta kinda a support when I'm feeling sad and depressed. I just don't like that he crosses my boundaries...

I set up a boundary recently and he crossed it. Then got mad when I told him I needed space, then made me feel bad for the boundary and I revoked it. This happens all the time with him... I feel stupid for getting back together with him. I really do. I was so mad at him for so long, but he's my soulmate. And I worry that he was right when he told me that no other man would ever want me, so I need to stay with him. He doesn't say this anymore, he used to tell me this when we were together in the past before we broke up... But I just feel like maybe he was right. I'm not exactly "perfect" and I've had a lot of sexual partners before.... I don't think any other man would want that. :/

I just... I feel trapped. I love him, but I don't like how he treats me. But I can't leave him? Is my relationship even abusive anymore? He doesn't hit me like he used to and doesn't torture me or even want to torture me anymore. But he still makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me get rid of my boundaries when I try to set them with him.... And he still kinda acts like he did before we broke up. I just.... I don't know what to do. This was a stupid decision. I was kinda sorta happy when we weren't together. And when we got back together, I was ecstatic because I love him. I just feel trapped and I don't know if my relationship is even worth leaving because is it still abusive? Was I stupid to get back together with him???

It just feels like I'm the one at fault for this. It took me like two years to leave him the first time... and now that I'm back, I feel like I can't leave him a second time. I worry about him a lot, I worry that if we're apart he'll hurt himself. And I can't live with that on my conscience. I love him too much to leave him like that again...

I just feel really confused. I don't know if I SHOULD leave this situation and I don't know if I CAN and I don't know HOW if I were to leave....?

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Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2021/11/25 22:44:18 )
It seems like you're in love with an idea of him, a possibility of who he might be one day, something that is very much not reality.

And it sounds like he needs to be doing a lot of serious work on himself with a therapist in order to be in a healthy relationship with you, or with anyone.

Abuse is abuse whether it's physical or emotional.
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Donator — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2021/11/26 01:27:22 )

I went back and read your pregnancy thread because I missed out on it when you posted it. Firstly, I want to say I'm so sorry for what happened and my heart hurt for you as I read your posts.

As I read this post, to me it sounds as if you're in a vulnerable state and your emotions are all over the place. I don't want to tell you how you feel, but I think your emotions are deluding you into thinking you're in love with this guy when he doesn't sound like someone you should be with right now. You're seeing him through rose-colored glasses, and like koneko mentioned, you're in love with an idea of him or what he could be. He needs to seek help and get himself together, and I really think you should take time to yourself to heal properly. Being with this guy isn't helping you in the state you're in, and I hope you're able to get out this for your sake.

I think at some point (sooner than later) you should text him and say you're not able to be with him anymore (explaining your reasonings), then block his contact info like he did yours. Afterward, don't hit him up again for any reason. He was an ex for a reason, and he's letting those reasons show.

I really wish I could give you a hug, look you in the eyes, and tell you that you deserve better. That you're worthy of safe, healthy, and unconditional love, and that someone who truly loves you will come along someday. You don't have to settle for this guy. Please don't. And I really hope this doesn't sound harsh, but you've got to work on loving yourself so that you know your worth and won't allow men like him to come back into your life.

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Donator — She/Her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2021/11/26 09:57:18 )


Oh, dear, I am so sorry to hear you're going through all of this. And I am especially sorry to hear of your loss. I had a second trimester missed miscarriage and know how absolutely hard losing a pregnancy is.

As far as the relationship, I agree with what @koneko: mentioned above, I do think you're more in love with an idea of him and the potential you see in the relationship. Unfortunately, who a person really is comes out when you're past that honeymoon stage. It sounds like there is some gaslighting going on, which is a form of emotional abuse, and I would recommend leaving the situation. But you have to love yourself enough to walk away, and you have to be secure in your decision or he can still hurt you even though you're broken up. It's easy to get drawn back in when emotions are high, but you need to ask yourself if he is good for you long term.

Keep us updated, and I really hope you can make the best decision for yourself. ♥

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With love,
Sage ♥

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2021/11/26 13:57:44 )
I agree with Ark and Sage.

I did want to apologize about being blunt, the situation reminded me of a relationship I was in.
Due to sheer dumb luck I never got back together with that person but I can't imagine if I did.
It wasn't abusive, but it was a bad situation and I only wanted to see the good in them. I will stand my ground to this day that they had good traits and in some timeline somewhere they could have changed, but in not our timeline.

Your post genuinely makes me concerned for your situation, please make safe choices :c
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Donator — They/Them Posted 1 week ago ( 2021/11/29 23:00:51 )

]I'm so sorry to bump this,
But I really need to vent and I didn't feel like it would fit in the Post Your Rants, and I just want to know that I'm not actually crazy or in the wrong here..


I was venting to a person I considered a friend of mine. I'll call him $. And now, $ and I were talking about things like my boyfriend and $ claimed that he was concerned about me and that he wanted me to break up with my boyfriend because my boyfriend abuses me. (I'm not stupid, I know he abuses me sometimes.) But $ eventually started talking to me about consent and sex and things and it all seemed fine and normal.

Some backstory, $ and I have a mutual friend, & that he used to date. & loved him very much I tried to remain friends with the two of them after they broke up, but they had an ugly break up and would shit talk each other around me while the other wasn't there. I thought I could maintain a friendship with the two, so I would try to be a mediator between them.

So back to $. Eventually he started talking to me about BDSM and consent and how what my boyfriend does to me isn't BDSM it's just domestic violence and I agreed. Being the close friends I thought we were, I told him a fantasy that I had that I wanted to do with my boyfriend. (I won't go into detail, but basically I wanted to be top.) But $ said that I could never do that with my boy because he's a top and he wouldn't allow it and he would be hurt if I did that. So.... what does $ decide to do about that?! HE OFFERS TO DO MY FANTASY WITH ME. O_O BEHIND MY BOYFRIEND'S BACK. >_>

And I got so quiet over the line. I didn't know what to say and he told me to think about it, and hung up. So I decided to talk to our mutual friend & about it. She told me that it really hurt her that he did this to me. She loved him very much and knowing that he left her like a sack of potatoes to come to me and eventually try to have sex with me just struck a chord with her. For a while, it looked like our friendship might even end over this because she was THAT hurt by it... I didn't even realize that I was hurting her by continuing to talk to her ex and then telling her that her ex was likely getting off to the idea of me. I told her that I was taken and that I had no sexual attraction to $ at all and that I was blindsided by this whole thing... I didn't WANT this!

This brought on a bunch of us discussing $ and realizing that he lied a LOT to BOTH of us. We realized that he was working on trying to get me to break up with my boy so that he could take my boy's place and he also said several things that made it seem like *I* was the one that came onto *him*. My friend, &, told me that he was gaslighting me this whole time! When I confronted $ about it and told him that me and & were talking and that I felt like he was using me, he got mad and then told me that I wasn't innocent, that I came onto him first and that it was my fault. :/

I couldn't take it anymore and blocked him. But it feels so weird now. I trusted him. I thought we were friends and our friendship was innocent. And yet he made me seem like some predator or something, and it especially sucked because I am currently going through severe emotional pain with my miscarriage, so for him to just slide into my messages and talk to me over the phone and then offer sex like that....?! It was weird. And I felt like he didn't actually care about me and the whole time was actually just trying to work his way into my life so that he could use me for sexual pleasure or something? Or maybe he was trying to use me to get back at his ex, &?

I just feel terrible over this. I feel like my friend & did NOT deserve that! And I'm pissed off that our friendship was nearly ended because of this... I never EVER meant to hurt her. I love her very much. I want nothing but peace and happiness for her, so to hear how badly this affected her really hurt me too. And it made me so mad at $. He is a horrible person. >:(


I just needed to get that off my chest I guess? I don't care if no one has any input. I just needed to get that out there.
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Donator — They/Them Posted 1 day ago ( 2021/12/7 05:30:48 )

I know I really don't want to keep bumping this,
But I wanted to let everyone know that I spoke with someone at the National Domestic Violence Hotline and they offered me a lot of help and advice.

I'm still not comfortable leaving my relationship, but I feel like I have a better support system than I did before.

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I'm Pea! (<---clicky please)

Donator — She/They Posted 21 hours ago ( 2021/12/7 12:05:30 )
@Kory:
I am glad you talked with someone. Keep taking care of yourself, please.
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