So... I did something really, really stupid.
I feel really scared and confused right now.
****TRIGGER WARNING!: Ab*se mentioned, no graphic details though...
I know you guys know that I recently found out I was pregnant. Well, I've been meaning to get back in contact with my abusive ex because I wanted to tell him off and to tell him how mad and upset I was that he hurt me so badly in the past. I mean, I was really mad. But when I found out I was pregnant, I figured I should let him know... I don't know why. But I tried contacting him for weeks with no luck. I figured he had blocked my number and had deleted all of the social media we used to chat on. I was about to give up, thinking we'd never speak again, but I ended up finding a random app on my phone that we used to use to text through (because it had disappearing messages) and I thought to myself, "Why not?" So I contacted him on this app and to my surprise, he replied! He immediately started to apologize to me, telling me how sorry he was that he was so violent towards me and how it wasn't fair to me that he would take his frustrations out on me.
I was flabbergasted?! Like, he seemed like a completely different person?! This was news to me! He seemed like he did when we first met. I told him I was pregnant and he was so excited. He wanted to be involved and I was excited too. I ended up falling in love with him again and when he asked if we could try it again, I said "YES!" And now I'm here.... stuck.
He seemed like he changed, but I'm not so sure he has anymore. He hasn't threatened to beat me or anything like that. He hasn't even raised a hand like he's going to hit me, but I don't feel safe around him anymore. It feels like when I set a boundary, he crosses it. And then makes me feel bad for setting the boundary so I end up revoking it and he just crosses the boundary again anyway? This has happened a couple of times since we've been back together. He also only seems to care/contact me when he's horny... Like, I understand we're dating and his love language is sex, so I get it. To him, sex is very important in a relationship. But I feel like that's all I am to him. :/
And with my recent miscarriage, he's been constantly asking me if I'm okay, but doesn't actually do anything to make me feel better. He will just hug me and say, "I'm sorry, baby" and that's about it. And then when I asked him for some space, he seemed to get pissy with me. But refused to talk to me about WHY he was pissy. I finally got in contact with him and he explained to me that he was feeling depressed and was feeling like a failure at life. Which, worried me greatly. In the past, when he would get depressed, he'd take it out on me. I don't want to go into detail about what he would do to me, but in as little words as possible, he'd hurt me. Every time he fell into a depression, he'd lash out at me and I'd always end up getting hurt.... I don't know why. And I would always just sit there and take it because I knew he was upset and I wanted to be there for him when he needed me.
He also made me promise to never abandon him. He has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and would get weirdly obsessed with me "abandoning" him. And with my miscarriage going on, it feels like he's been just... I dunno. I don't feel like I am safe around him? But at the same time, I love him. I love him so much and I felt like that person I originally fell in love with is still in there and he'll come back eventually. I just have to wait it out and maybe if I stay by his side, he'll come back? I know this probably sounds so stupid but I love him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone! I can't leave him, and I don't have a lot of support through this miscarriage and I'm really struggling. He's fickle, but at least he's kinda sorta there for me. He also provides me with love and sorta kinda a support when I'm feeling sad and depressed. I just don't like that he crosses my boundaries...
I set up a boundary recently and he crossed it. Then got mad when I told him I needed space, then made me feel bad for the boundary and I revoked it. This happens all the time with him... I feel stupid for getting back together with him. I really do. I was so mad at him for so long, but he's my soulmate. And I worry that he was right when he told me that no other man would ever want me, so I need to stay with him. He doesn't say this anymore, he used to tell me this when we were together in the past before we broke up... But I just feel like maybe he was right. I'm not exactly "perfect" and I've had a lot of sexual partners before.... I don't think any other man would want that. :/
I just... I feel trapped. I love him, but I don't like how he treats me. But I can't leave him? Is my relationship even abusive anymore? He doesn't hit me like he used to and doesn't torture me or even want to torture me anymore. But he still makes me feel uncomfortable and makes me get rid of my boundaries when I try to set them with him.... And he still kinda acts like he did before we broke up. I just.... I don't know what to do. This was a stupid decision. I was kinda sorta happy when we weren't together. And when we got back together, I was ecstatic because I love him. I just feel trapped and I don't know if my relationship is even worth leaving because is it still abusive? Was I stupid to get back together with him???
It just feels like I'm the one at fault for this. It took me like two years to leave him the first time... and now that I'm back, I feel like I can't leave him a second time. I worry about him a lot, I worry that if we're apart he'll hurt himself. And I can't live with that on my conscience. I love him too much to leave him like that again...
I just feel really confused. I don't know if I SHOULD leave this situation and I don't know if I CAN and I don't know HOW if I were to leave....?