i am beginning to hate myself

tabby

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i don't know where this came from. my life is perfect. i make good money. i like my job and my coworkers. i'm healthy. i have good friends. i don't have family problems. anything i've ever wanted to do, i've been able to.

i've realized recently i don't have the ability to do something, though. something all the money in the world can't buy. i can't love anyone. what is so wrong with me that i can't accomplish this one little task that nearly everyone on earth has been successful with, at one point or another? i swipe endlessly through tinder, people don't even look interesting to me. i meet people and they bore me. some guy i was supposed to marry ("this is what you're supposed to do, right?") bought a beautiful house for me, said i could just be a housewife and never work another day in my life, and I ghosted him. what the actual hell is wrong with me? why couldn't i just love this dude?

i dated someone for a few months who tried everything he could to get me to feel some affectionate emotion. we talked for hours at night about it. i cried a lot, out of sheer frustration with myself. i can't get attached to people. they can come and go out of my life and it doesn't faze me at all.

i knew this before, but before, it didn't bother me. i knew i would likely be alone for my life and that was fine. it's really starting to eat at me now. i don't know how to figure out what i want. my friends say i just need to wait for someone to come along who meshes with me but i really don't think that person exists. they are endlessly supportive and i am grateful they exist but the advice doesn't help with the root issue - me.

i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i keep trying to fill the void with material things and alcohol and music and meditation and hobbies and "me time" and making really bad decisions because it's what i feel like doing at the time, and obviously none of it is helping. but i keep doing it anyway because i don't feel bad enough about it to stop.

i am a mess. this post is a mess. sorry if you read this.

inatlaka

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Before I got married. I found it easier to date someone with first becoming friends and then if the sparks happen to move on to the next level of "BF/GF". I really suck at being loving so I had to practice. After a year {I gave 2 years to one relationship just to make sure} I feel you can decide weather or not to make a commitment. Because after a year you have seen everything about them. And if the sparks didnt happen after a year you part ways in a loving manner. I'm still great friends with people i have dated in the past. One is married and some single still. Well that's how I met my husband now. I really thought I was not going to meet anyone who matched my wild/rebellious/adventurous ways XDDDDD until I found an Aries XDDDDD... hope this helps. I got married at 32. I swear I thought that wouldnt of happened until my late 40s cause of my wildness XD
please dont hate yourself I send you so much love! Also we all gots a secret admirer ;)

°<°art by Keturah🖤🦖🖤

Glume

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It might help you to do some research on things like different types of attraction and relationships. You don't have to be with the person society expects you to. You don't have to be with anyone at all. Or you could be with as many people as you want, in whatever level of commitment you want. (as long as everyone is being honest <3 ) I know people who are far more content around animals than humans, and have made their pets their family. They're just as fulfilled as people in traditional relationships. Perhaps you just need a less traditional relationship type, and being tied to societies expectations are preventing you from finding happiness.
Its also worth noting that you should never feel bad for not loving someone. You can't force that sort of thing. A lot of people try and are miserable. You really did yourself and your partner/s a huge favor by being honest about how you feel. You're both free to try your own paths.

Miss Sandman

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They probably wasnt the right ppl to Love! Love is a wierd thing. You need komplex Chemical prozesses to Love. Maybe you just dont met the dude with the right chemie yet!

eyry

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I don't know you that well, but I feel like I relate. not to make it about me

I think the thing is that you can only keep trying things and that's all there is to do

life is kind of a meaningless existence and it's whatever you want it to be
if it bothers you, you can figure it out. either "the answer" or how to let it go

I've never been good at maintaining relationships of any kind with people. and I feel desperately alone. I haven't kept any friends at any point in my life. and I feel like it must be me. I freaked out the person I just started seeing by spiraling into just really ugly emotions over nothing (I guess to prove my point of how I'm bad. and it worked so I'm right so yay?). I changed the way he sees me

keep on keeping on. don't make bad decisions if you feel like they're bad! easier said than done, but as long as you're here, you can keep trying. and I think it'll help with feeling okay about yourself if you know you're doing what you think of as good (and even if you're not, don't be too hard on yourself)

● ● ● e

tabby

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@inatlaka: i have noticed i'm a lot more open to people touching and being affectionate with me if i have known them for a while, but the men in my life i actually have the ability to spend time with are people i have no business dating (coworkers, husbands/boyfriends of my female friends, etc). not to say i haven't made some "interesting" decisions regarding coworkers before but i'm really trying to pull away from that since i don't want it to come back to bite me. it's just so hard, i have so little time.

@Totalanimefan: ughhh i'm struggling with not comparing myself hard. my best friend just got married last week, my other good friends are ALL (LITERALLY ALL OF THEM) in great, happy long term relationships. you are extremely right with that final sentence. i would be happier alone than with someone i don't care for. i just wish i could care for someone. even if i start to, it fades really fast. i'll wake up one morning and oops it's all gone and i don't even want to see the person anymore. sometimes i wonder why i even bother trying.

@Glume: i will definitely look into it, thank you for the suggestion. i like to know why things are the way they are but it never dawned on me to look this particular issue up.

@Miss Sandman: maybe not :P girl aren't you in labor, don't worry about me omg

@eyry: not that i wish this upon you, but i'm relieved there's someone else out there like me. i have never met anyone else that pushes people away to the same extent i do. all my friends are in very normal relationships and they're all i have to model myself after. all they can do is sympathize and offer advice that they truly mean well with, but isn't something that i can apply because i'm not working with the same set of tools they have. so you're not missing much on that front. i guess i do just have to keep going, keep trying different things, with the hope that it will one day work out. i do want it to happen. i worry about becoming jaded. do you use discord?

@Bioshock: i guess that is one thing i'm good at lol. i'm very good at being like "nope this isn't working". i'll never be the person stuck in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship. yet, there is something i envy about that mindset.

Glume

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@kegs: So I took some time to try to find you some good resources. Here is a wiki link about being aromantic: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Aromantic which sounds like it may be what you're experiencing, but really only you know that for sure. Hopefully it can be a good starting point for getting to know who you are, even if you find out it doesn't apply. You don't have to live up to anyone elses standards but yours. Do and be what makes you happy

Ping me, Devil Daddy, ping me.

Pixel Art Extravaganza

eyry

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@kegs: oh yeah I think I'm on a parallel path to you. obviously not the same situations. it's like I want people to like me, but I feel like I'm full of problems and they shouldn't. so if someone says they care about me, I'm like ohohoho about to prove you wrong. I'm problematic™ and I'm not sure if I care about people sometimes. like I do and I don't? it's a weird double sided thing. of course I care about people! I poofed to meditate (I chuckled to myself about this when I saw it mentioned in your post) and make/eat lunch at stuff. I do have discord. my username is E.#8924

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Miss Sandman

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@kegs: haha i have Time my first Child and labour taking quite long

TomYum

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Read about the paradox of choice. I think we do not understand what is in front of us. It is easy to be in the moment but you need to look at the big picture and appreciate the time we have.

tabby

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@Totalanimefan: aren't we all our own worst enemy? to me, that sounds like a perfectly acceptable way to live. it's so hard to do it all. i would never think of you in the same bad way i think about myself. i feel like this happens a lot - we're so mean to ourselves but will accept other people however they are. we'll advocate for others and support them no matter what, but when it comes to ourselves, we're so destructive and actively try to tear ourselves down.
my best friend is always saying how she got through that by making herself say something nice about herself every morning, and eventually, that type of thinking just came naturally. she's super stable so i've been trying it too but it clearly hasn't worked for me (yet?) lol. i hate how i can recognize that this is a problem but still fall into the same trap repeatedly.

@Glume: i just went down a rabbit hole on that wiki. thank you.

i have some thinking to do.

@eyry: i added you on discord. maybe we can help each other out. or just send memes back and forth ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@Miss Sandman: how long has it been so far?

@TomYum: yeah this is definitely a problem for me. is it silly to apply this to dating? i have way too many options. i never take the time to get close to anyone because i don't find they're worth my time after meeting them. there are 1000 other people i've matched with who might be more entertaining or more understanding or will mesh better or something. i will disregard someone over the smallest thing. it definitely wasn't like this all through history, there's more options now than ever before. i'm flooded with messages and it's so easy to think "i'm not gonna swipe right on this guy because he has too many girls in his pictures" or "i'm going to stop responding now because he said something boring that i don't really know how to respond to" almost like it's an effort to cut down the number of choices i have...

TomYum

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@kegs: You are not alone. The more choices you have the pickier you get. That is how we are built! The big problem is that this all takes time and you waste all of your time on it.

There are a lot of online dating studies done. Women go after 20% of men and mostly ignore 80% of them. But almost all men will message anyone they consider attractive enough. This means 20% of guys are getting all of the attention and have an abundance of choice, while 80% have almost no choice. Meanwhile women have too much choice across the board and will end up meeting men who also have too much choice. This means everyone will just keep picking from their endless list and only anyone who is either perfect or too fed up of the game will settle. Online dating encourages predatory behavior because these men will always have a "next date" and will act out because it doesn't matter. Okay maybe not all of them but many do!

More people than ever are not having sex. It's true! Look up the Millennial sex gap. We are killing ourselves and it isn't your fault. It is the fault of us having too much to pick and being simple human brains.

Tsundererra

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TSUN ★ TSUN ★ TSUN (≖︿≖✿)

Oof, your post hit me hard because I can relate so badly. ;~; I would suggest going to see a therapist if you’re not already. They can help you figure out why you have a hard time letting yourself open up for love.
It could also be that you haven’t met your match yet, so keep trying. I know society makes it seem like it’s normal to date around and get some sort of feelings quick, but everyone is different.

(✿ ♡‿♡) DERE ★ DERE ★ DERE

tabby

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@TomYum: what do i do about it? it seems like a trap and idk how to get out of it. that's really the only dating option available to me. once i go on a date with someone from tinder or okc or whatever, i become almost repulsed by the idea of ever seeing them again.
during the brief times i'm interested in someone, they're always people that are unattainable, such as people already in committed relationships. i had a bit of a crush on a coworker for like 6 months and then i got confirmation that he was interested in me too and any romantic interest i had straight up flew out the window.

@Tsundererra: i've thought about seeing one for a while now, but the only experience i've had with one was downright terrible and did more harm than anything else. i'm scared that will happen again and leave me in a worse place. especially since right now my feelings are only directed inwards, where they're (generally) safe to be.

hello again

Tsundererra

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TSUN ★ TSUN ★ TSUN (≖︿≖✿)

@kegs: My first experience with a therapist went really badly, and I ended up ghosting them and bottling it up. I was ok for a few years, but it started affecting me mentally (outbursts over small stuff, irritation, sensitivity to seeing other people act out in love) as well as physically (my blood pressure would shoot up to dangerous levels whenever I was stressed, and I’m a generally healthy person with normal to low blood pressure readings). It takes courage to try to reach out for help again, but you’ll do it when you’re ready. Hopefully it will be sooner than later, because those are some strong feelings, and you can only bottle them up for so long before they start spilling out. I wish you well and I hope you can find someone worthy to open your heart. ^^

(✿ ♡‿♡) DERE ★ DERE ★ DERE

Miss Sandman

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@kegs: long too long i already cant anymore..... just tired!

~Pls Ping me~
Nothing fancy to see here!!!

eyry

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@kegs: nice nice yeah
it feels like it's really hard to get a grip at times. it's like you can obviously see that it doesn't make sense to do it and you wouldn't do it to other people, but you go into it anywayyy. (about tearing yourself down)

● ● ● e

art shop
isn't that lovely, isn't that cool and isn't that cruel

TomYum

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@kegs: It's obvious. You are repulsed because you are systematically planning everything out. What romance is there planning a date with a stranger and meeting knowing they probably want you and that is all there is? You want romance! You want something that is spontaneous and not all planned out and rote. You don't like them because they aren't fun.

What was that old song? Girls just want to have fun? You need to figure out your own mind and follow the clues. Most dudes aren't fun. You keep meeting them like it is a chore. Why do you put up with that?

https://streamable.com/l8ysz

Count Trashula

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I'm a little confused; you say you can't love anyone and people come and go, but you also talk about your friends. Do you love your friends? Or are you just talking about romantic love? Because if that's the case, like Glume mentioned, aromantic people exist and that's not a bad thing. Dating and marriage, especially in the common/traditional sense, is not for everyone. If you have friends that care about you and whose company you enjoy, then I'd say you're doing all right. Romance on its own is ultimately meaningless. If it's your friends you struggle to care about, that may be a deeper issue worth exploring with a therapist. Either way, I get being worried about being "wrong", but don't let feeling different give you a negative view of yourself. You don't need to do the expected thing to be happy and fulfilled; you just need to figure out what works best for you, and if you do suspect you have a problem or are unhappy with the way things are, therapy and counseling and reaching out to support groups aimed at people in a similar situation can all be of some help.

ALWAYS PING ME

Tsundererra

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TSUN ★ TSUN ★ TSUN (≖︿≖✿)

@Totalanimefan: I just want to say that you’re super successful to me. I didn’t know you didn’t finish college because you’re smarter and more hardworking than a lot of people I went to school with. Plus you have a good husband who loves you and lots of healthy friendships. That’s successful to me. :) There are people who have good jobs and make lots of money, but they are alone and miserable. Success is how we define it to be, and it’s so hard to do because your mind is your biggest critic.

(✿ ♡‿♡) DERE ★ DERE ★ DERE

The truth behind Reaping Ritual 2019

Art by the rightful Mayor, Kiwi

Forums Serious Talk i am beginning to hate myself

tabby

inatlaka

Glume

Miss Sandman

eyry

tabby

Glume

eyry

Miss Sandman

TomYum

tabby

TomYum

Tsundererra

tabby

Tsundererra

Miss Sandman

eyry

TomYum

Count Trashula

Tsundererra

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