i don't know where this came from. my life is perfect. i make good money. i like my job and my coworkers. i'm healthy. i have good friends. i don't have family problems. anything i've ever wanted to do, i've been able to.
i've realized recently i don't have the ability to do something, though. something all the money in the world can't buy. i can't love anyone. what is so wrong with me that i can't accomplish this one little task that nearly everyone on earth has been successful with, at one point or another? i swipe endlessly through tinder, people don't even look interesting to me. i meet people and they bore me. some guy i was supposed to marry ("this is what you're supposed to do, right?") bought a beautiful house for me, said i could just be a housewife and never work another day in my life, and I ghosted him. what the actual hell is wrong with me? why couldn't i just love this dude?
i dated someone for a few months who tried everything he could to get me to feel some affectionate emotion. we talked for hours at night about it. i cried a lot, out of sheer frustration with myself. i can't get attached to people. they can come and go out of my life and it doesn't faze me at all.
i knew this before, but before, it didn't bother me. i knew i would likely be alone for my life and that was fine. it's really starting to eat at me now. i don't know how to figure out what i want. my friends say i just need to wait for someone to come along who meshes with me but i really don't think that person exists. they are endlessly supportive and i am grateful they exist but the advice doesn't help with the root issue - me.
i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i keep trying to fill the void with material things and alcohol and music and meditation and hobbies and "me time" and making really bad decisions because it's what i feel like doing at the time, and obviously none of it is helping. but i keep doing it anyway because i don't feel bad enough about it to stop.
i am a mess. this post is a mess. sorry if you read this.
i've realized recently i don't have the ability to do something, though. something all the money in the world can't buy. i can't love anyone. what is so wrong with me that i can't accomplish this one little task that nearly everyone on earth has been successful with, at one point or another? i swipe endlessly through tinder, people don't even look interesting to me. i meet people and they bore me. some guy i was supposed to marry ("this is what you're supposed to do, right?") bought a beautiful house for me, said i could just be a housewife and never work another day in my life, and I ghosted him. what the actual hell is wrong with me? why couldn't i just love this dude?
i dated someone for a few months who tried everything he could to get me to feel some affectionate emotion. we talked for hours at night about it. i cried a lot, out of sheer frustration with myself. i can't get attached to people. they can come and go out of my life and it doesn't faze me at all.
i knew this before, but before, it didn't bother me. i knew i would likely be alone for my life and that was fine. it's really starting to eat at me now. i don't know how to figure out what i want. my friends say i just need to wait for someone to come along who meshes with me but i really don't think that person exists. they are endlessly supportive and i am grateful they exist but the advice doesn't help with the root issue - me.
i don't know what to do with myself anymore. i keep trying to fill the void with material things and alcohol and music and meditation and hobbies and "me time" and making really bad decisions because it's what i feel like doing at the time, and obviously none of it is helping. but i keep doing it anyway because i don't feel bad enough about it to stop.
i am a mess. this post is a mess. sorry if you read this.