So as the title mentions I'm needing an outer perspective on things.
I'm currently dating someone who is polyamorous. I was told this would be the case prior to dating and I was fine with it cause at the time I hadn't had much dating experience. Over the past 6 months I've realized that they'd dated at least 7 other people while we were together (all online and I'm the only one in person). Most of the people they date all kind of know eachother. It's like a large group of poly people who casually date and break up on a whim. Honestly I'm not even sure how many people my partner is currently dating at the moment. I've also noticed that each time they're in a new relationship, even after just a day, their facebook has tagged posts talking about how great this new person is, maybe even "the best person ever", every single time. They even started dating someone new on my birthday. One of my irl friends I confided in has said that my partner isn't doing the poly thing right, but tbh I'm new to the whole thing. I'm monogamous, and feeling slight jealousy each time I find out about someone new. I'm not sure how to feel, so I sought out a new forum to ask (since recolor and gaia aren't too great for me anymore) Any insight is appreciated.
Forums Serious Talk I need advice for current relationship
What do you want? Do you want to dedicate yourself to someone who can also dedicate themselves to you? Do you want a trusting relationship with a stable future? Or do you want adventure, excitement, and meeting new people all the time to have romance with?
I don't like the idea that people can be picked up and put down like that. It leaves no stability. It breeds jealousy. It doesn't leave anything long term to build. If you want to do that you are free to. But it comes at a cost!
What do you want?
I don't like the idea that people can be picked up and put down like that. It leaves no stability. It breeds jealousy. It doesn't leave anything long term to build. If you want to do that you are free to. But it comes at a cost!
What do you want?
@TomYum: i'm wanting a dedicated relationship. We're both in our prime, my partner and I, so I don't want to hold them back or tie them down so early in our lives. I feel like I've found someone I can be myself around and grow something with, but it's these uneasy gut feelings that have been getting to me.
@UmberMouse: It doesn't sound like they want to be loyal to one person. If that is the life they want to live you need to either take it or leave it.
Every poly relationship I have seen has ended with people being left behind as they get older and being alone. It looks super miserable. It is fun when you are young and can pick people up but you don't stay young forever!
You deserve to demand someone be there for you and only you! If you can't get that here you need to find it somewhere else. What are you going to do when you are old?
Every poly relationship I have seen has ended with people being left behind as they get older and being alone. It looks super miserable. It is fun when you are young and can pick people up but you don't stay young forever!
You deserve to demand someone be there for you and only you! If you can't get that here you need to find it somewhere else. What are you going to do when you are old?
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@UmberMouse: I feel like poly relationships only work if all the people involved shared the same values. It looks like you’re looking for something monogamous and long term, and you should try to find someone who wants the same things as you.
It sounds like you like this person a lot, but idk if they feel the same about you or one single person. The poly thing isn’t going to go away, and you’ll always feel some sort of jealousy as long as you’re with this person. I’m sure you can find someone who makes you feel like yourself and wants to only be with you. Date around for a bit.
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If you are monogamous you must break up. You will not find happiness in a poly-amorous relationships.
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@Bioshock: I'm impressed, because you're right on about all of it. For the most part they are just flings, though there is some bitterness and dissociation for a couple of days after a breakup. I'm not sure why they don't build lasting relationships with these other individuals or if there's even a will to build after miscommunication errors or mild arguments. I seem to be the exception however, though I can't fathom why that may be. I don't want to break up with my partner, cause I'd rather find a solution for my insecurities that'll be beneficial for us in the longrun. As a monogamous person, I'm not sure if polyamory is even something I could fully comprehend. All I know is I want my partner to be happy and unrestricted. And you're right, I should be more open with how I'm feeling about everything.
Hi, poly man here. Sounds like you want something monogamous, where you can be the one they're focused on. You don't sound like you are right for poly. It only works if all parties involved are like minded in this, otherwise jealousy, bitterness and resentment can occur. It's not your partner's fault, nor your own but it sounds like maybe it's not a good match. (Btw, there is no right or wrong way to be poly. They're doing it the way they want and that's just how it is.) You can't change people or their values. Poly relationships take an immense amount of trust, respect, love and understanding (not saying that you don't have these) and have a high breakup/ divorce rate because of the difficulty. But some do work and some couples break up for other reasons.
If you can't see yourself in this situation and being happy in ten years, it's probably not going to work or be good for you to continue, emotionally. But that's your call.
If you can't see yourself in this situation and being happy in ten years, it's probably not going to work or be good for you to continue, emotionally. But that's your call.
Agreed with Gatorlec
To add my own input:
Mixing monogamous people and polyamorous relationships doesn't work without lots of communication and understanding. That's not to say it can't work. That much will be up to you and your partner, and whatever you decide together. The number one thing you need to focus on in any relationship, regardless of what you call it, is communication. Your first instinct for any negative feelings that arise should be to discuss them with your partner--calmly, openly, and fairly, without making assumptions. Come to an understanding with each other about what you want out of a relationship and how you can achieve it. The only ones who can decide how to best structure your relationship are you and your partner, and even then, you should both be open to change. Relationships don't grow and stay strong without change, because neither do people.
You need to explore your feelings and talk about where your jealousy is coming from. What are you insecure about? Why do your partner's actions and experiences trigger these feelings for you? And listen to your partner's side of things and what they want out of a relationship, then go from there.
And no, there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do/be poly, just like there's no right or wrong way to be monogamous or anything else. Relationships are the sum of their people, and all people are different.
Lastly, I wanna address the fact that there's a lot of misconceptions about poly people being flighty, noncommittal, etc. There will be poly people who fit that description, just as there will be monogamous people who are the same. It's not about their relationship preferences/style, but them as a person and their own individual needs and experiences. It's not unusual for poly people to have a primary partner or partners and to date more casually on the side (though this is far from the only way poly relationships are structured). Some monogamous people are comfortable being part of this kind of setup, while others prefer to be their partner's "one and only". That is why it's so important for you to discuss your boundaries, fears, wants, needs, expectations etc with your partner and to also understand theirs. You have to explore your relationship together to find what works for you, and to know where you both stand, so you can decide how and whether to continue navigating things together.
To add my own input:
Mixing monogamous people and polyamorous relationships doesn't work without lots of communication and understanding. That's not to say it can't work. That much will be up to you and your partner, and whatever you decide together. The number one thing you need to focus on in any relationship, regardless of what you call it, is communication. Your first instinct for any negative feelings that arise should be to discuss them with your partner--calmly, openly, and fairly, without making assumptions. Come to an understanding with each other about what you want out of a relationship and how you can achieve it. The only ones who can decide how to best structure your relationship are you and your partner, and even then, you should both be open to change. Relationships don't grow and stay strong without change, because neither do people.
You need to explore your feelings and talk about where your jealousy is coming from. What are you insecure about? Why do your partner's actions and experiences trigger these feelings for you? And listen to your partner's side of things and what they want out of a relationship, then go from there.
And no, there's no "right" or "wrong" way to do/be poly, just like there's no right or wrong way to be monogamous or anything else. Relationships are the sum of their people, and all people are different.
Lastly, I wanna address the fact that there's a lot of misconceptions about poly people being flighty, noncommittal, etc. There will be poly people who fit that description, just as there will be monogamous people who are the same. It's not about their relationship preferences/style, but them as a person and their own individual needs and experiences. It's not unusual for poly people to have a primary partner or partners and to date more casually on the side (though this is far from the only way poly relationships are structured). Some monogamous people are comfortable being part of this kind of setup, while others prefer to be their partner's "one and only". That is why it's so important for you to discuss your boundaries, fears, wants, needs, expectations etc with your partner and to also understand theirs. You have to explore your relationship together to find what works for you, and to know where you both stand, so you can decide how and whether to continue navigating things together.
@Gatorlec:
@Count Trashula:
I just wanted to thank you both as your replies were the kind of detailed insight I was specifically seeking out. There's a lot to digest and consider here and I very much appreciate the time taken out of your day to help me with this.
@Count Trashula:
I just wanted to thank you both as your replies were the kind of detailed insight I was specifically seeking out. There's a lot to digest and consider here and I very much appreciate the time taken out of your day to help me with this.
@UmberMouse: It's no problem! I hope things work out well for you, whatever you end up doing.
ALWAYS PING ME
@UmberMouse: What I've learned from my own experiences with a situation similar to this is: if you're not poly, a poly partner does not work for you. If you're mono, then find someone mono to be with.
Ok so. I have never been in a relationship before but I have a friend who is in a rather similar situation, though she was/is fine with poly/open relationships and things had been going fine for a long time. Then he started lying and not telling her when he was meeting someone for a date, also lying to the people he was dating, saying he wasn't in a primary relationship (to get more swipes, apparently). Among a lot of other things. What your person is doing would be fine if he was being completely open and honest with YOU, giving you the opportunity to decide what you're okay with.
From a completely unattached opinion, it sounds like you might need someone monogamous who will make you the priority. And, there's nothing wrong in taking time to see what you're comfortable with. Good luck!
❤___❤___❤___❤___❤
- I just wanted to pop on and give you some encouragement. You deserve to feel loved and appreciated.
My best friend is poly and is also new to being poly and she had run into this kind of problem with her ex. It may do some good to just sit down and talk because it’s obvious to me that she didn’t do well in the communication aspect. Her ex was strictly monogamous and was not comfortable being with someone poly. Which is okay, but her take away was that it wasn’t her problem or that he shouldn’t be insecure because she loves him. I know that’s not necessarily the same situation you’re in, but i feel like it’s safe to speak with your partner and express your concerns. When talking to them pay attention to how they respond. When my friend seemed unapologetic and unmoving in resolve I told her that she probably shouldn’t date someone that was not comfortable with her being poly because it’s clear she didn’t really respect them in that sense.
I don’t have any good advice to give because I’m not sure if I consider myself to be poly, and I haven’t really dated ever and really have no interest in it right now. I guess I just wanted to share something on topic that may just give a new perspective.
bloop
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.