So in case you don't know, I'm bisexual. hence the "gay" in gayspacetrash.

I've always liked girls. I never really realized it until I was in middle school, though. As a child, I remember two of my first crushes being Sailor Jupiter and Thorn, the lead singer of the Hex Girls from Scooby Doo. But as a child, I didn't really realize that I had crushes on them. I was always brought up where it was okay to be gay but not normal, you know? Like most of the world, my family just assumed that I was going to be straight, and so I felt like I had to fit into that mold they had made for me before I was even old enough to have a say.

It was normal to like boys and to have crushes on them. I had crushes on girls too but I didn't know that's what it was. Being brought up where it was just expected of me to be straight made me push my feelings down and pretend they never existed. I convinced myself I was straight, until middle school, when I had the hugest crush on one of my friends. I kissed her on the ferris wheel during the fair one year, and that was my first real kiss I'd shared with a girl. I was giddy and happy, and when I went home and told my mom I was bi, she shut me down quickly. "No you're not. It's a phase."

And I believed it. I believed I was just going through a phase. When I was in high school, I began to have feelings for girls again, and I even had a girlfriend for a short amount of time. We held hands and kissed once- it was entirely innocent. I continued to want to date girls, but there was always that lingering doubt that I wasn't really into them. Somehow, I was just trying to rebel and be ~quirky~. I've "come out" to my family, but I don't feel like they actually believe me. They don't seem to understand how big of a deal it is for me to have come out to them, and they sometimes seem very uncomfortable when I mention thinking a female is attractive.

Even now, at 23, I'm still not 100% sure I'm actually bi. I know that I find females attractive, but I always have that doubt in the back of my mind, asking but are you really bi? Or are you just trying to be cool? I find more females attractive than males, but have never dated one seriously. It's difficult to tell when a girl is being flirty or just being friendly, because my female friends and I are very affectionate and lovey. I also feel like if I dated a girl, it wouldn't be a "real" relationship, because it's not what society deems as "normal". It's something that's been bothering me a lot lately.

I don't know. I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and I guess it just helps me to get my thoughts down. I also appreciate feedback. I'm sorry if I've insulted anyone here- that is not my intention. Please correct me so I can correct myself. Thanks for reading.