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Forums General Chit-Chat I have to write a short story by monday - feedback?

Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 01:04:55 )


(Update: I've settled on the story, now just in the process of inking the pages :D I'll show it off in the art forums when its done)

.... about the immune system process.

wait, don't run away yet!

I have a hard time putting my mind into two separate places at once, in this way. Combining my creative writing brain, which usually detaches from the rules of reality by blaming everything on magic. With the side of my brain that is relying on reality's rules of biology and science to get through my day-to-day assignments and soon to be job. I'm trying not to write something stupidly cliche and boring, but also not something that would be too... long lol
I need short and sweet so I can present this without it taking foreverrrrr
I also wanna draw stuff for it

If you don't know anything about biology, would you give me feedback on the story without that part in mind?
If you DO know about this part of biology, feedback on that would be awesome too!

Here's my idea upon making this post:

Think of a kingdom that is peaceful and balanced (the body bein all happy and healthy). Now, think of it being tormented by foreign invaders, a massive heat wave (fever) and spontaneous fires (inflammation? lol)

One girl flutters down from the heavens (lol she's gonna represent a virus or something, so she's one of these invaders. There would be many of them but this gives a character focal point?). There are bird creatures that try and stop her from reaching the ground (enzymes, maybe?), but they fail to do that.
The girl lands in the center of the kingdom, in a ring of some sort of round structure. Idk, stonehenge type of thing, lets just imagine that for atmosphere lol.

When she comes to, she finds that this world is very uncomfortable by the heat, like, unbearably so. It would kill her if she was weak enough. Before she could figure out much of where she is, she could be met with some beastly figures (phagocytes) who try to eat her.
Another character calls out. Someone who looks similarly to herself, another virus. They flee together and this character protects her. They explain the situation, giving the character and the reader an idea of what is going on. Only to be gobbled up by a Neutrophil--a beast which self destructs after consuming its victim.

The girl escapes again and continues on, but is being stalked by another character (A Natural Killer Cell). She doesn't catch onto this until later, but maybe this would turn into a final showdown situation where either this assassin kills the virus, or the virus wins and the kingdom falls.

Somehow I want to express the mindset of the virus characters. There are many of them "infecting" or invading the kingdom, but they aren't doing so intentionally. They're confused when they arrive, have no knowledge where they come from, but if they survive long enough they come to realize that their existence is tormenting this world and causing it to fall apart.
So they either die or this world suffers/dies.
I'm great at positive stories, aren't I lol

Maybe for something less depressing, the viruses find a way to return to the heavens and everyone lives. Except for if you know enough about a virus, once it leaves the body it either infects someone else (thus repeating the characters' torturous lives) or they die after a certain time lmao


Idk, does this make enough sense? :vanora_xd:
Does it suck terribly, or too morbid? I dont know how NOT to be morbid since the immune system is all about killing off foreign invaders to keep the body healthy lmao

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Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 01:06:35 )


Some sketches for it
The bird thing being an enzyme attacking the virus, trying to stop it from reaching the kingdom, aka body

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Voltie Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 03:00:59 )

hey this is pretty cool, I wish my classes had creative assignments like this, haha

I like that you have the enzymes to represent the body's first line of defense against pathogens, it's a good detail.

fever and inflammation are side-effects of the body trying to protect itself, so maybe the fire was started accidentally while in the process of trying to stop the invaders?

does the round structure that the girl lands on represent something scientifically?
are the virus characters all the same virus? or different strains?
how does the second virus character help the first one escape or protect her? does this represent something scientifically?

and ALDKFJ yeah I'd say it's a pretty sad story but I think it's quite accurate to the subject you're trying to explain.
It's really neat that you want to give the virus characters that kind of mindset - I think it's often not acknowledged that viruses don't have harmful intentions, they do what they do bc that's how they live (er... exist?). I think if your story ends up being sad, it's bc you were able to show the virus' perspective, and that's a pretty unique take on it.

the sketch is so cool too! I'd love to see the finished product if you're willing to share later


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Donator Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 03:15:01 )
this just reminded me of osmosis jones immediately haha

I like your version though! not a villain but just a victim of circumstance

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I'm the master of me and isn't the thought enough to lift you off of the ground?

Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 03:25:12 )


@hachi:
Haha I have a creative instructor. But oddly enough, she didn't come up with it this time, it was legit in my textbook lol
But yeah, I LOVE giving the "enemies" of a story a real range of emotions to sympathize with haha My instructor's probably gonna get all pouty. She is the type to really get into stories and characters. She used to be an actor xD

I'll definitely share the finished thing! It is only going to be a summary, so not fully played out the way I might write it. Just makes it easier to feel the story if they can see it, imo


I like your idea for the fire. Like there's a more direct and accidental cause. My idea was that the atmosphere itself changes when a virus appears. Much like when it gets too hot irl, it often starts to rain to cool it down. In this little universe, the weather is pretty much like OHSHITBADPEOPLE -shoves the sun closer- XD because the heat of a fever/inflammation is meant to stop an infection too
If I were to get more in depth about it, though, I'd definitely have other types of cells or whatever it is that causes inflammation, to be the ones shifting this atmosphere in a fit of panic or something?

I decided to get rid of the structure idea. It was meant to be something but I realized that I was thinking of the lymphatic system, which wasn't going to be chronologically accurate. So she just slips past the enzymes and is simply "in the system"


I planned for the viruses to all be the same type. Not sure how well it makes sense scientifically, haha
The virus that helps Veira is not a scientific reason, just an action to help me from a story and explain that Veira isn't the only (or first) one of her kind. I guess I might be taking a little creative freedom with having other virus characters, I hope that doesn't end up ruining things. They do serve a purpose in helping me tell the story in a faster manner.



@eerie:
Hahaha yeah, I was at a complete mind block until I remembered that film. Gave me some sort of inspiration to go off of. Otherwise I couldn't figure out how to personify cells lol


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Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 05:01:02 )


(Veira narrating)
"together we would discover the grim reality of our existence.

We were a curse upon this world,
and if we continued to survive...

this world would turn to ash.

We had a decision to make
... and we were running out of time
(this part is supposed to be like.. quick flashes of things that happen? The mask character is a Natural Killer Cell, literally what they're called. Kind of like how a movie trailer will quickly flash scenes to be like oooooo drama happens but you don't get to see the whole thing unless you watch it! idk, probably poorly executed, I'm a comic newb)

"would it be us?
or the world?"
(the new character is now showing injuries, to imply they've been through some shit already)


hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

I think I'll just roll with it ;v;
There's so much detail missing but hhhhhhh maybe I'll leave more to explain in the presentation.
It's kind of just meant to be a "trailer" anyways, so not everything will be mentioned in the comic.
I just wanted visuals for the effect.

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Donator — Whatever Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 11:04:14 )
Are ya ready, guyz?!

So some sort of Cells at Work but about the immune system?

Put ya guns awn!
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Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 14:34:53 )


@kitalpha hart:
Ohh, I haven't seen that anime but I remember spotting it on my netflix(I think?) feed. I meant to watch it, maybe it could help with my A&P class :'D
But yeah I imagine it is similar to that.

I wish I had enough time to go more detailed with the comic pages. I forgot to add that viruses infect good cells, so I wanted to have a bit where the virus character touches a cell character and they become corrupt. Virus chara would be like holy poop i did NOT mean to do that oops

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Donator — Whatever Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 15:11:54 )
Are ya ready, guyz?!

@Jolly: Netflix, yeah
I haven't watched it either lol
You can always add more after the class project is done, as a pet project

Put ya guns awn!
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Voltie — she/her Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 17:55:34 )


@kitalpha hart:
Yeah I might do that if I'm still feeling inspired! I ended up liking this project more than I thought I would.
hated it at first lol

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Donator — Whatever Posted 5 years ago ( 2020/05/14 18:37:41 )
Are ya ready, guyz?!

@Jolly: I hope you do, it sounds like a good way to learn about it
Edutainment

Put ya guns awn!
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