*edit: You guys are awesome <33 thanks for helping me through this little episode!


I started chatting with this guy recently on a personal level. I think hes started to like me by what he says, and for a while seemed like we connected pretty well. But we'd always naturally get onto these deep conversations about life and junk.

But we got on a voice call tonight and he started to bluntly ask me if I'm okay, as if something's wrong. Kind of took me off guard.
He said that I've been saying all these negative things, the stories we get on about and stuff. Like I start reflecting and I thought the conversations were mutual, I never felt like I was sounding serious. I felt unconfortable with this question, and I can't figure out if its because he's right, or if I should get away from this person because he's going to make me think hes right. Like just because things happen in our past doesn't mean we're not currently okay? I don't tell stories of my experiences with the desire for sympathy or pity.. most of the time I felt I was answering questions.

He talked about how he studied psychology too. We were talking about other things for a while but we got into adhd and light conversation. Then I mentioned in a tangent that my family thinks I have mild asperger's, but no one else sees that in me. He said he sees it, and explained to me in what ways.
And once again, I can't tell if I'm uncomfortable because he might be right and I gotta reevaluate my life and behaviors or because he might be presumptuous.

Either way, my anxiety has flaired up so much and I'm overthinking and feeling so insecure. At this point in the call, I kept trying to return to light hearted conversations and talking about silly things. But he would stop responding, I thought he disconnected. Figured he was tired, it's late, but it ended so rapidly it made me wonder if I said something wrong.
Maybe it was a bad idea to think about making a new connection like this. Like am I too broken and depressing and I really can't help it, I should give up dealing with other people cause I can't be normal like them

Maybe I'm just tired. I needed to vent though, I get so so insecure about my personality.

@kitalpha hart:
im not sure how obvious i was being. the more time passes and i calm a bit, i wonder if he was reflecting himself onto me?
he started psychoanalyzing me briefly, talking about how i seem to struggle with hearing someone's context. which is something i already wonder about myself, so it's hard to say no. but also... dont.. say these things

@koneko:
Thank you. I'm much less concerned with whether to keep this person in my life or not, I don't have any grand attachment to him. He just opened a can of worms that will now take me a stupid amount of time to shut again.

It dug up an old depressive subject that really sent me into a horrible place a couple of years ago. Just a feeling of being broken, an affirmation that I cannot function like a normal person. I'm too negative of a person because I'm too jaded. Had so many emotional trauma cause I'm too mental to have normal experiences and associations. Too broken and too pitiful and "need help" (but I can't afford it, so its mildly annoying when people push therapy on me as if I've never thought about it before) and the only people who ever get close to me want to take advantage of me or control me like a pet in some way, cause they can see whatever is "wrong" with me.
I shoved all these self-damaging thoughts into oblivion before but now they're back and I know they're all wrong but its so hard to get rid of this feeling.

@vessel:
Thanks for that input. Honestly, it really is a bad habit of mine normally to be too forgiving of people, like "they meant well" or whatever.
But uh, this wont be someone I continue to associate with for sure. No one has a right to send me into a spiral like this.

@vessel:
I'm sorry you have to experience similar feelings!
my aspergers was suggested when I was a kid, but the doctor or whatever never officialized it in documentation. Part of her reasoning was exactly that I don't need people to start treating me a certain way because I might be on the spectrum, because it wasn't severe enough to prevent me from living a normal life or something like that (idek if it gets severe enough not to? I don't study this). I take it with a grain of salt and will never claim it has anything to do with me, what would I know lol I was also just a drugged up kid (medicines) so unsure if I could take the diagnosis seriously, can't even remember my state of mind then. So I never should've mentioned it at all, but the context was definitely not one that had any opening for analyzing me. lol

The pet treatment is the absolute worst feeling though. I've had an ex really weigh heavily on my mental state and they really treated me like I was just a nutter. It made me feel dehumanized and like I'll never be taken seriously, and I'm worthy of less, I should be protected and placed in a safe bubble.
Screw that lol

@koneko:
Oh yeah, I probably made it sound more significant initially because of my wording (and I ramble). I wrote this thread at like 3am in the midst of an emotional state hahah
But yeah no, he's someone that I thought about maybe letting closer, hence opening up to him in the first place. But my gut was saying something so I also kept a thick ass wall up lol that conversation kinda ruined it on its own anyways, that hit too big of a trigger.

People who have "studied psychology" here will always find a way to make me open up in a way I normally never do, not even to my former partners, and then use this information to conclude something about me as a person. This happens to people I know also, so not just me. If I had known he studied that, I probably never would have engaged with him in the first place.

I feel much better now you guys ;3;
This chat helped, and my best friend also just came online and ksdhgdks he knows me better than anyone (10+ years), so when he says I have nothing to worry about, it is a really helpful reassurance

@creativitea:
yesss, exactly lol but the way you put it is a lot more comforting to hear, especially since its within context and respect. And understanding that autism is NOT a negative, and shouldn't be brought up in the same breath of calling someone negative or concerning.
I never realized that oversharing was part of that, but I also never studied into autism. I always blame adhd on everything xD but, only jokingly. It helps people to understand my brain a little bit since adhd is becoming more understood these days.

I've been curious to learn more but also have no plans on getting re-tested cause... $$ haha

@koneko:
Yeah! It might be more laid on in an ethics class, kind of like mine, since that's all about how to treat people and respect boundaries. Mine are often more physical related and about professional touch also, since I would never be talking like a psychiatrist. Sharing my skill with a partner or something like that can create an opening for being taken advantage of, manipulated, or receive certain criticisms that would cut more deeply because its someone closer to you.

⭒✰would you like an adventure now...

@Jolly: yeah that's understandable! even though i appreciate empathy from people who aren't autistic, sometimes i feel a bit more.... less alone about the experience when i can talk to other autistics about what I'm going through.
After I got my diagnosis, I stopped feeling "broken", because I knew why I was the way I was, and why I couldn't do what the others could.
(I do believe in selfdiagnosis when it comes to autism btw, just because getting the official diagnosis is so inaccessible)

I'm kind of on the opposite side of that, I probably also have both, but I know a whole lot more about autism. The traits can overlap a lot too though, it's sort of like a venn diagram

and here's a bit more about that.

(also ps; if you want a few resources to learn about autism, feel free to ask!
i have a little collection of ones that have helped me so i don't mind sharing. )

...or should we have tea first?✰⭒