2020 has been a year of insane controversy's and mother nature striking. I've been sitting in my quiet bubble of an apartment slowly getting more and more depressed And ready to die.
Oh yeah. That's the reason I put this in serious chat.
2020 happened just after I had a baby that almost killed me to give birth to her. I sunk into a post partum depression be or who knows a real one perhaps because I found out this had to be my last child.
I found out I couldn't donate blood or give eggs to those who can't make their own. I'm jobless. My friends outside the computer never talk to me. My husband was struggling with his own things and I didn't want to burden him further.
I've got a daughter with scd and adhd who was destroying everything. Quite literally. Cutting clothes apart. Breaking glass framed paintings. Cutting apart magazines . Stealing things from my medical supplies and my art supplies. Generally being to much for me to handle. Especially while done with life .
Started drinking heavily. Disassociating. Never being a bad mom because they're the reasons I'm still alive even if they were driving me insane. Just want to make that clear. All the hauntings of my past of being bullied started creeping back into my memory. Generally got to a really dark place..
There is so much I can say here but I'm trying to keep it relatively short. 2020 hits. I'm not watching media. I can't handle it. Im already hyperventilating trying to not shut down and just lose all hope.
Then I lose a friend for saying the wrong word that I didn't even know COULD be a wrong word. Normal conversation turns into some kind of attack to me because I'm not putting out the fire of the house on the news. I looked around And said yeah... But there are 50 houses on fire and I was talking about all of them. I didn't realize one was getting attention in the news. Sorry..... And I want to put them all out... It's not that I'm ignoring that one because other houses look nice and it would be a shame if they caught on fire. I didn't realize wanting to try to tackle all of the fires was a bad thing.
I'm socially awkward. This was just kind of the straw that broke me. Sick of people. Sick of being attacked for existing. Sick of being the one kicked and beaten thrown in a pit and spit on. And all the while trying to smile and be the most happy helpful person in the world brightening everyone's day.
I'm sorry to say I have been battling this depression now for many years and I've been in denial that I'm suicidal. I've been on the brink of losing hope and I didn't get the chance to just say hey I'm going on hiatus and taking a break. I just disappeared. For that I'm sorry to all my voltra friends.
With my parents help I've escaped the horrible situation I was living in with a slum Lord of a landlord. I didn't feel safe walking out of the apartment. I didn't know who would attack me next for existing. Things aren't better yet. But they are heading in the right direction. I at least feel safe going outside again.
I've got a really long road to recovery still but I wanted to let you all know that he I'm alive. Still here. Just... I find it hard to talk anymore. I've broken and lost my smile. I don't talk much to anyone anymore. Online or off. Loves to all still of course.<3
