In hysterics (tw/abuse) - Voltra Online

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

*update: I'm in a safe place and healing.
I'm gonna erase this main post just cause it has a lot of deep emotion that I dont want to immortalize in text. This thread served a purpose in a sense, this site can kinda be a safe place sometimes when I'm sitting alone irl and I super appreciate that <3

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

sometimes when i think about if i ever became a mother, i worry about being like my parents were to me all these years and damaging the kids mind.
sometimes i worry instead that i won't, but that my own damaged mind will make me too whimpy, where id rather be strong to motivate and help kid with life.
then sometimes i almost want to mother, so i can prove that teaching someone with love is more effective and great than teaching them with fear.

my family always, always uses fear and pain tactics. they probably think they're teaching me a lesson right now, even as an adult.

soon, that job should start so soon
then in a couple months maybe i can get a cheap home. i hope i make enough money for this.

Glume

Friend PM Trade

Don't ever beat yourself up for standing up for yourself. Ever.
First, access to a bathroom is actually a universal human right. There are actual laws about that sort of thing. If it were a once in a while occurrence, that would be understandable, but to have your rights as a human consistently denied... well, that's worth getting a little upset over. But you handled the situation a lot more diplomatically than I would have. Then to get berated for what you did after that, as though you were in the wrong for wanting access to your own bathroom? That's not ok. There is no good way to react when someone is yelling at you. Adults talk things out, and if you're not even given that chance, you can't be expected to be the only person keeping a level head. I'm sorry you had to go through that, and I hope you get to spend some time around people who respect you and treat you right after all that nonsense.
Also, the fact that you're worrying about the kind of mother you would be tells me that you would make a great one.

Ping me, Devil Daddy, ping me.

Pixel Art Extravaganza

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

@Glume:
Thank you so much. It helps a lot to hear some logic when my head gets too caught up in emotion. My family has consistently taught me to feel bad about myself and to feel like I'm wrong, sometimes it still confuses me a lot.
Then sometimes theyll act super sweet and it becomes even more confusing, and I start to forget that extreme moments happen like this, that this isn't the first time I couldn't go home over something stupid. Then sometimes it just seems easier to pretend it never happened and that my family life is fine.

Im frustrated because I had so many plans for at home tonight on my pc. I was already in the midst of drawing, and I think I lost said drawing when I hastily shut down my pc so I can leave. TT

But I ended up driving to my partner's work. He took a lunch break to come out and sit in my car with me. Hugged me the whole time and talked me through it, then gave me his keys to go to his apartment, instead of waiting until he got off. So now im just gonna hijack his spotify and fold his clothes.

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

I have a long spam of texts from my mom and sister.
Not even concerned, just a bunch of projection and self-victimizing.
The closest thing to giving a shit was a sorry for the panic attack "but you should have just listened".
For how long am I supposed to listen to someone screaming at me like that? Being blamed like I'm the only one who yelled, when I've only yelled at the end of the whole thing when I started coughing after cause I yelled too hard. My voice literally cannot handle yelling, my throat and lungs like physically cease up and I choke, cough or gag. So anytime someone is having a loud go at me, I just listen until its nonsensical and then I leave. If I speak its in a normal voice cause nothing else feels good to do, so why bother? I'm not a shouty person.

They say I'm the reason we can't live peacefully. I just--I don't even speak! I just draw, sleep, game or I'm not home for days cause of work/school or out with my partner.

They're always caiming they're "scared" of me every time I get hurt by things like this. One will hear the other say this and then they;ll start using it against me too, because they all know it hits me really hard to hear that. I'm fragile as fuck, but not in an anger sort of way. I just cry and frown. I dont speak much cause I'm too friggin scared to. But I also dont want to push them away fully, so when good things happen I'll try to talk to them about that cause like, positivity and shit.
Being told I'm scary and I'm monstrous my whole life really screws with my brain and self image. Brings me to a really dark place. One person plucked me out of that mindset in the past. Someone who was around all of this for 3 years and they ended up so angry about it, but they;d always reassure me that I'm not doing what they say I'm doing, that they're projecting themselves and confusing me too much. But GOD its so hard to maintain my psyche with this family. Like a consistent mind fuck.

I know I really need therapy for my upbringing, I'm still on my journey to even being able to afford that. One day, one day
Until then I just vent online like this and feel silly after

Kitalpha Hart

Friend PM Trade

Are ya ready, guyz?!

I think you'll have an easier time finding yourself and not what is projected on you after you get out of that hella toxic and destructive place
Better if they don't know where you move to and you cut all contact with them

Put ya guns awn!

quest♤Shop

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

@Kitalpha Hart:
Yeah, I definitely need another long break from them at the very least. Its hard cutting people off sometimes, I think the desire to have a family at all kind of stops me from doing that. But I'll be happy enough just to find a home so I won't have to deal with them anymore. Then I'll only see them for major holidays, until I leave this state. Then I'll just keep distancing.

It'll hurt a lot either way. It's really kind of strange how attached I am to people who consistently treat me like garbage and do painful things like this.

Jolly

Friend PM Trade

My partner told me I can live with him for a few months until we can establish another plan (we already had planned to move together mid next year when his lease ends here).
Its iffy cause he lives in a student apartment where visitors aren't even allowed at all cause of covid, let alone someone moving in like this. But they don't really monitor people or the rooms so I only have to hide when IT comes in to fix their wifi.

I'll have to go minimalist to fit without making his space smaller. But he keeps telling me to bring my whole computer setup, so I can keep drawing. which it is big, and he's just like "take my desk"
like dude you're gonna get so sick of me if you sacrifice your small space lol

I seriously appreciate this person though
I was completely at my witts end last night, just to the point I felt seriously crazy, my head went to such a chaotic place. But he rationalized it so much and made me feel so normal, and he gives me such a safe place to be. mentally and physically.

when his lease ends in june, we already had plans to get a proper apartment together. by then I'll have my money in order with this new job

I am leaving Voltra
Find my links here
❀
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