(update: I've cooled down and am working through this. THank you for advice as always, you guys are always there when I need someone the most <3 tyty)



WHAT THE FUUUCCC@$%@$^&#

I'm so angry
and so so so hurt
this motherfffffff

Right when everything was looking good in life, I thought I finally had this normal life with normal levels of oxygen, less threats on my life and a good fiance at my side who i can count on.

To start, I came home from work last night and I started stressing about my finances being so tight again, cause I noticed my cars gas has been depleting a lot faster than what seemed normal. I cried a bit and after i calmed, I remembered that my fiance has been paying for the gas lately and he doesn't have a job right now. So with innocent intention, I asked to see his statements to see what its been costing him so that I can reimburse. Actually first I asked how much money he had left, cause he's been saying 3k for a month now so i felt that maybe he wasn't checking his accounts often enough.

Anyway, he suddenly got very nervous and he said "I don't want to show you because I'm embarrassed by it"
I'm like hey, it's ok to not have a job, i got us. you're doing what you can, I only want to help since you've been pitching in a lot here, I don't want you to hit the negatives.

we're fiance, we can do this together.

He starts to admit he lied about what money he has, that he's basically almost out of money. his checking has been pulling from his savings a lot cause he's overcharging. I convince him to let me see, because i was still convinced it was gas and other stuff i knew about. like lie aside, i trusted him and im just here to help until he gets on his feet again.

but it was drugs.
weed, soft drugs, not inherently wrong, but given more context im furious.

there were also a ton of extra charges for eating out behind my back a lot, buying video games, subscriptions to services, paying for ad blocks on mobile games, buying ingame contents very frequently. his credit card has a long list of late payments and its over a hundred in the hole cause of weed once again.

before we started dating i made it pretty fucking clear, I've had only very painful experiences with drug users, even if it's "just weed". i don't want it in my life or in my partner, I'm done dealing with it.
i don't care what my friends do with it so if he chose to use it, we could've stopped while we were ahead and remained friends. but he said it's not something he wanted to do anyways so no issue there.
well he started in February and lied to me since.

lied about drugs, lied about finances, lied about academics, lied about applying for jobs, lied

while I'm over here working my ASS off and getting no time to rest, he's over here sabotaging finances and nuking our relationship.

I haven't kicked him out since i felt i needed time to think and clear my head. but i don't know if i can ever trust him again. or anyone for that matter, it's always lies!


i guess for a quick filler, we've been through a ton together. just moved across the country together, me thinking i had an awesome supportive healthy relationship. now I'm quite terrified if i may be alone in this city soon

@totalanimefan:
I immediately stopped seeing who this person is and all I could see are all the demons in my past and a total stranger, all at once. This is why I needed to step aside to clear my head for a few days (and to get through my 11 hour shifts without being emotional). Make sure I'm not judging him for someone else's similar sins..

but I also don't want to set myself up for hurt. this was too much on me. I always give chances, always think that maybe someone could act reasonably.

I have had no issue telling him exactly how I feel without filter. I want to think that his deeply expressed remorse is sincere, but i just never know anymore. so i can hardly give more than silence after last night.
he handed me his wallet to safekeep, so far he's canceled 2 subscriptions and i need to make sure he cancels the rest. he gave me his logins to eye his statements. It feels dirty to hold these things and like such a toxic situation. we have separate finances so i don't like controlling his like this. id like to think he cared enough about me and our fur/feather babies that he wouldn't go this far in the first place.

@totalanimefan:
siiighhh, ptsd is such a hard thing to live with sometimes. I'm still nervous to call it what it is, but it's very much valid for you too.

I'm glad that the 4 people i relied on during all this had stopped me from doing anything rash. took almost 24 hours to get me to not throw him out as a reflexive decision.

I talked with him more and he's handed over all the ropes. he's not to touch money aside from allowance id provide for gas or necessity. he cleaned the entire home spotless, organized all surfaces and canceled his subs, deleted the mobile games he was pouring money into. we're trying to wipe away all payments from his account and start clean.

it's all minor things but he swears to work on this moving forward and to make it up. we'll see how he redeems himself for 5 months of being slimy

@Totalanimefan:
@Vii:

Thank you both for talking to me, this has helped me a lot into cooling down and making the right decisions ;;
I'm much happier that I settled down and decided to work it out with him. He is exactly the right person for me, he just still has a little darkness in him from a long-winded trauma that he only very recently got out of. I see his efforts though and even though it still hurts a lot, I dont feel like I'm suffering or anything.
He's cleaning himself up, it'll take time, but I can see that he really means to try and that he values my attempts to push him forward.

Here's to hoping that things go well! Got him m&ms to help with the nervous fidgets and he's definitely eating them out of sake cups to limit consumption (working on self discipline) lmao
Put phones and games down some more, working on creating solid routines and reducing ourselves to 1-2 video games so we dont over indulge and can work on simplifying our downtime. Makes it easier to cut down gaming hours too, and instead read books or do other things that get the brain moving healthily.

@jolly:

I know this is kind of old, but gosh darn if this isn't the exact thing that's been happening to me.

My partner had to quit his job, in fact I encouraged him to quit from the toxic environment he was in.
I'm working and barely scraping by. I'm paying his insurance, food, gas, etc. which I don't mind doing.
Pretty much just like your situation.

Yet, he spends what little he has on weed.
When he could be saving it to help me with our shared expenses.

To me, smoking and drinking is a luxury that you can enjoy when you're in excess.
NOT in the red.

I guess I just don't understand, as I've never felt reliant on any substance.
My boyfriend is an ex-addict and 7 years sober so this is something of a mountain for him to overcome.

I'm trying not to take it personal,
but sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm not important enough.
If I was, he'd be able to quit temporarily until we're back of our feet.

This is something we struggle with continually,
but as of right now we're getting closer to compromise.

I just wanted to say that I'm in your boat, lol.
Idk if we're sinking or floating yet, but I think we're gonna make it c`:

@icedchai:
I'm so sorry, it really is hard when you feel like you're the only one carrying the load while the other gets to relax as much as they want. While spending funds that should go toward regaining the balance D:
Have you been able to communicate with him about this?
Weed is indeed a luxury and while withdrawals are still a thing, and they will turn him into a royal pain for a bit, if he's doing it for himself and his family (you) and it means enough to him, it's very much possible to put a stop to it. Like you said, until you guys are stable enough to afford it again, if it is something you felt like picking back up.

I am grateful in my situation that quitting was not a problem to my partner. Its hard because anxiety and emotions get stronger when you cold-turkey it, but he did it because, like you suggest, there are more important things. The greatest difficulty is battling depression and learning how to sit with himself. He holds a lot of anger and regret, guilt, and just a ton of negative emotion that weed used to be his go-to to numb all of that. But as he works toward healing rather than hiding from his trauma, he's gradually finding that he feels a more true sense of ease and happiness without a substance.

If he is willing to put it down, I do recommend getting a jar of something like m&m's to help occupy his mouth, to counter cravings or munchies