People have a lot to say about what I do with my life. I think its because I've never lived the typical city lifestyle, dont really fit into a mold of norm I guess. So it makes people think from their own perspective.

Yesterday after work I felt flustered by a conversation with my managers. Most of why I felt that way is because one of them (politely) asked about my driving phobia, and the notorious question of "why are you scared?"

Even though she means well, she was just curious as most people are when it sounds like my fear of driving is beyond the norm. Cause it is a spectacle I guess. But answering that question always flusters me because its so complicated, I dont even know the reason exactly. I know many factors, I know the thoughts in my head that get so loud and scare me so much, but I never could put my finger on why I have such a physical reaction to driving a car. I could swear it hurts, and trying to explain this to people without sounding overdramatic just makes my throat tighten and my hands get so nervous. I've blacked out twice, one resulting in a wreck. Its so horrifying, it took so long to be able to succeed at driving at all. As some of you know, I've shared a lot of my struggles here ^^;;

At one point I considered any physical causes. I've been concussed and knocked out a few times as a kid, so perhaps there is something to brain damage. Never got that tested because I don't really feel like having someone poke inside my skull in any physical manner. But I did get my eyes tested, because I thought that maybe I just struggle with depth perception (in my panic, everything feels like it gets really close to me even if its far away--I thought maybe its my vision but its probably anxiety) but I was told that eye sight would not have an effect on that.

There's still some merit to brain damage idea, I suppose, but I'll never know.

I got more into studying mental disorders and psychology in part because of this abnormal fear. I mean, I've always paid attention to psychology of how people speak and act, because I've always just been a little different. Always sat on the side since others didn't take to me well as kids.
I recently began to wonder if there could be any link between my driving fear and my (supposedly) mild aspergers. Admittedly, I haven't studied enough about aspergers/autism to really know. But my partner did make a recent comment about how I have a strong reaction to textures. Like he was rubbing his hand on the carpet to play with the cat and I yelled and left the room cause it made my skin crawl. I'unno, I thought that was normal, I have sensitive palms man. If you rubbed the center of my palms with a finger, I'd feel like punching you, its so skdfhskdh it makes my spine go stiff! So watching someone else rub their palms on something that would bother me, feels like I'm the one doing it. You know what I mean? If you scratch a chalk board, I can feel the vibrations in my nails and have to shake it away or press on them.
But he laughed and said he read about that being a very aspergers thing (at least, to the extent that I felt it). He likes to read about these things ever since I told him about my childhood "diagnosis", just to understand what it entails.

I spent the rest of the day thinking about how it, if thats truth, if it could potentially affect how I visually take in information, and could that have anything to do with being in a car, moving faster than a natural speed like that. Visual information is so fast and overwhelming. Could that be causing my fear to be so bad? Even if it was "aspergers" to blame, what would I even do about that. "People" do not understand when you say "I'm sorry for struggling with this thing, I'm dealing with [insert mental disorder that cannot be seen on the surface]"

My partner has been driving for me a lot recently. Although I'm quite capable, he knows I'm a lot more scared driving here than I was in colorado, just by how... fast all the roads are. And less back roads, I always drove back roads.
But this also brings up a lot of speculation. We share a car to save money, since our jobs are right next to each other, so my managers see that he drops me off and picks me up. THey always make comments about him getting his own car, ect. As if it makes any difference to them. I've been considering getting a new car recently since mine is starting to cough and wheeze (its a 2008 model), and one manager was like "you should have him BUY your current car, dont GIVE it to him! Make him work hard for it like you did"

Like... stop, he's helping me so much. I am able to drive because I worked so hard, but he helps me to continue by keeping my head on straight and he takes the burden off me when he can.
I wish people would stop asking me questions and telling me what they think I should be doing

@Totalanimefan:
I still have therapy on my goals list :vanora_xd:
My fiance just got a new job (pay raise, woo!) that offers benefits, which SUPPOSEDLY covers mental health! I need to read the package he brought home just today about it. If its as good as it sounds, then after we marry, I'd be able to switch to his benefits. Mine cover just about anything except for mental health lmao
and going without coverage is just... too much money ;v;

Anyways, your therapist is absolutely right. I get so sucked into conversations with people and relationships, that I forget in the moment that I dont have to answer every question. I gotta figure out a polite way of dismissing such a conversation before it happens!

It is also good to note that it will probably never go away. I am happiest when I come to accept that about my phobia! When its just there, but despite it I'm still here, working hard and doing life in a way that works for me and my partner. Once we get through marriage document stuff, I'll probably end up putting car stuff in his name anyway, since apparently in texas he gets no insurance coverage at all when driving my car unless I add him to the policy ^^;;;; oops! In colorado its a limited coverage thing iirc

On a side note, asking "why" is very much a habit that this person has. Its like her natural go-to when she talks to someone. SHe always asks people why about things because there's a lot of normal things she doesn't know. Its her way of trying to learn something, to understand it. But it comes off wrong. She's a manager, so when she notices that I make a mistake on something, she would ask "why" before even considering how to fix it (or that I may have already/or may already be working on fixing it). It would cause us to bump heads.
Its always why
and it very much comes off as a set up to chew me out

until one day I had enough and I snapped as soon as she asked me why. I got so flustered and upset cause she had poked and prodded all morning before that point, my other manager sent me home to take a breather and rest.

When I came back to work, the girl and I talked about it and I was like just stop asking me why I do things. Like... that question just needs to be eliminated. Everything upstairs is functioning until you make me think inward like that and then all hell breaks loose, you let the ADHD go free and its too much to handle. Or whatever, I just hate why questions lol

She stopped asking why and we've been getting along fine for a while now. Until this driving topic, but she probably didn't realize she was asking why again cause it isn't work related.
Sigh
I think its just her way of thinking, and it unintentionally sets me up cause I never respond well to it.