(˵◕ ᴥ ◕˵)ﾉ Hello there
CW: pet death, depression
So i mightv mentioned it in some other threads b4 but since last month the 16th ive beeingoing to this kind of rehab place? Main difrence is that you go there and go home everyday (except weekends) and they are focused on helping you find a job when you finsih it.
This was an alternative for a propper rehab as i had some fears, my main was that i wouldnt be able to see my dog again.
And well, yesterday she died. And i feel compleatly broken. I cant stop crying and cant bring myself to go in the living room unless apsolutly necesary. She meant so much to me. She was a black labrador called Izzy and was 11 years and about 4 months. She was such a kind being and everybody that met her loved her. I stayed by her side until her last breath. She didnt seem too freaked out so i hope that bc she was at home surounded by loved ones she felt a bit at ease.
The vet told us its likly that a few days ago an unknown tumor popd open causing her death and that there wouldv been nothing we couldv done.
Im absolutly devestated, i mean i know she was 11 and sure at that age its to be expected it was still so sudden??
I cant get her out of my head.
When i had a bad day i came to snugle up with her... And now every sound i hear makes me think its her.
She died around 9/10 in the morning, i sat with her for hours and she laid her head on my lap. The vet couldnt come until noon but it was too late. We had to call a place that could burn her and they could only pick her up after 6 in the evening. In that time it was like she was just asleep, and it was hard but it didnt rly kick in yet. Until she got picked up and i havent rly stopped crying.
Ive tried to distract myself but its so hard. I have it especially hard that everything just moves on. I feel like i just cant get a breather at all. Having depression for so long, my dog dying, ontop of that im starting to get an ear infection and the day b4 my dogs death i had a small surgery on my toe wich hurted so fucking bad i still can barely walk on it.
So months ago my gender psychologist sugested id go to a propper rehab, one im away from home for unsurtain time to help with depression. And i was heavely against it. Again mainly for my dog... but also, im trans, what if i have to be in a room with another person? ive had no surgery yet and i would be very uncomfortable sleeping in a room with another man, wilst i compleatly understand a woman being uncomfortable being in a room with me. What should i expect? what will happen? will i be allowed to use my phone and/or laptop?? alot of anxiety questions u know.
I feel so hopeless? i know everybody tells me "this will pass" and "it will get better" but thats not what i wanna hear tbh. Ive already let the rehab place know what happend and that i curently just dont have it in me to come.
Im gonna contact my gender psychologist aswel as ive known her since 2016 and shes helped me alot with this kinda stuff.
Today also have to look on the site where my dog is being burned on what to do with her ashes wich is very confrontational.
Ontop of that im somebody who hides their emotions, however my gran is a social person. WIch means whenever she hears me cry she comes in my room to hug me ect. But that makes me hold myself back and i also dont have it in me to tell her to not do that since thats how shes mourning.
What helps me a lil is, well
My favorite plush ( a webkinz husky) that i had since i was a kid is one of the only plushies my dog tried to destroy. So he is missing an eye and nose. Ive tied my comfort blankie (its honestly just a bundle of threads by this point) around him and ive been keeping him with me at all times.
Im also watching some dumb yt videos and series and fanart of "our flag means death" even tho im only at episode 4... i cant watch it rn since a character is called Izzy..
I also know that this sunday i wont be able to play dnd like i usually do since my character has this big dog thats his companion/ride inspired by my dog...
However next weekend (planned that for awhile now) saterday i going with a friend to a get togeter with fellow trans and nonbinary peeps, there would be workshops aswel. And sunday id go with the same friend and another to a con again, havent been in years. And knowing myself the following week ill try to hide myself and say everything is fine so i know i HAVE to go for my own good.
What helped me aswel is a mutual that lost their dog about 2 years ago has been talking with me, shes very kind and told me i can reach out whenever needed.
My 2 friends have also helped me alot already, one of them a few month ago also lost her cat. Im verry thankful to the friends i have and feel like im just a shitty friend to them since im not able to do the things they do for me. Like buying expensive gifts, talking everyday and more, and i know they understand but i have anxiety lol
Annyway yea, i just kinda needed to vent
So i mightv mentioned it in some other threads b4 but since last month the 16th ive beeingoing to this kind of rehab place? Main difrence is that you go there and go home everyday (except weekends) and they are focused on helping you find a job when you finsih it.
This was an alternative for a propper rehab as i had some fears, my main was that i wouldnt be able to see my dog again.
And well, yesterday she died. And i feel compleatly broken. I cant stop crying and cant bring myself to go in the living room unless apsolutly necesary. She meant so much to me. She was a black labrador called Izzy and was 11 years and about 4 months. She was such a kind being and everybody that met her loved her. I stayed by her side until her last breath. She didnt seem too freaked out so i hope that bc she was at home surounded by loved ones she felt a bit at ease.
The vet told us its likly that a few days ago an unknown tumor popd open causing her death and that there wouldv been nothing we couldv done.
Im absolutly devestated, i mean i know she was 11 and sure at that age its to be expected it was still so sudden??
I cant get her out of my head.
When i had a bad day i came to snugle up with her... And now every sound i hear makes me think its her.
She died around 9/10 in the morning, i sat with her for hours and she laid her head on my lap. The vet couldnt come until noon but it was too late. We had to call a place that could burn her and they could only pick her up after 6 in the evening. In that time it was like she was just asleep, and it was hard but it didnt rly kick in yet. Until she got picked up and i havent rly stopped crying.
Ive tried to distract myself but its so hard. I have it especially hard that everything just moves on. I feel like i just cant get a breather at all. Having depression for so long, my dog dying, ontop of that im starting to get an ear infection and the day b4 my dogs death i had a small surgery on my toe wich hurted so fucking bad i still can barely walk on it.
So months ago my gender psychologist sugested id go to a propper rehab, one im away from home for unsurtain time to help with depression. And i was heavely against it. Again mainly for my dog... but also, im trans, what if i have to be in a room with another person? ive had no surgery yet and i would be very uncomfortable sleeping in a room with another man, wilst i compleatly understand a woman being uncomfortable being in a room with me. What should i expect? what will happen? will i be allowed to use my phone and/or laptop?? alot of anxiety questions u know.
I feel so hopeless? i know everybody tells me "this will pass" and "it will get better" but thats not what i wanna hear tbh. Ive already let the rehab place know what happend and that i curently just dont have it in me to come.
Im gonna contact my gender psychologist aswel as ive known her since 2016 and shes helped me alot with this kinda stuff.
Today also have to look on the site where my dog is being burned on what to do with her ashes wich is very confrontational.
Ontop of that im somebody who hides their emotions, however my gran is a social person. WIch means whenever she hears me cry she comes in my room to hug me ect. But that makes me hold myself back and i also dont have it in me to tell her to not do that since thats how shes mourning.
What helps me a lil is, well
My favorite plush ( a webkinz husky) that i had since i was a kid is one of the only plushies my dog tried to destroy. So he is missing an eye and nose. Ive tied my comfort blankie (its honestly just a bundle of threads by this point) around him and ive been keeping him with me at all times.
Im also watching some dumb yt videos and series and fanart of "our flag means death" even tho im only at episode 4... i cant watch it rn since a character is called Izzy..
I also know that this sunday i wont be able to play dnd like i usually do since my character has this big dog thats his companion/ride inspired by my dog...
However next weekend (planned that for awhile now) saterday i going with a friend to a get togeter with fellow trans and nonbinary peeps, there would be workshops aswel. And sunday id go with the same friend and another to a con again, havent been in years. And knowing myself the following week ill try to hide myself and say everything is fine so i know i HAVE to go for my own good.
What helped me aswel is a mutual that lost their dog about 2 years ago has been talking with me, shes very kind and told me i can reach out whenever needed.
My 2 friends have also helped me alot already, one of them a few month ago also lost her cat. Im verry thankful to the friends i have and feel like im just a shitty friend to them since im not able to do the things they do for me. Like buying expensive gifts, talking everyday and more, and i know they understand but i have anxiety lol
Annyway yea, i just kinda needed to vent
。.:☆*:･ヽ(˵◕ ᴥ ◕˵)
