Have Mercy - Voltra Online

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

This is just gonna be a journal of sorts so I can idly send thoughts about my life into the universe. No replies needed, so feel free to read and trot away, or ignore completely.

Current things on my mind:
Moving across country - page 1
Partner pursuing their dream vehicle
Work and money - page 2
Personal health

Hoo boy here we go

----------

edit- longest job
meeting partner
childhood pet passing
✨children✨
art and what I wanna do with it
bs at work that made my friend quit

edit 2- anyone that reads this and has questions feel free to pm me. Please do not comment.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

So I moved to Florida 2+ years ago from California to live with my life-long friend who was living here with his husband. His husband is in the Navy and this is his station. I don't regret my decision to move because I am from an extremely small town (7,000 population) and I needed to get out and experience literally anything else.

I feel like I have grown a lot as a person and learned a lot about myself, but boy have things changed/come to light recently as far as bills and laws are concerned. My partner, life-long best friend and I are all moving to Oregon next year. Friend's husband is in Guam for another 2 years and he's going to join us when he is back in the states. I'm equally excited as I am utterly terrified because this is such a big thing.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

So here's some back story. My friend and I grew up together in California and eventually he ended up in Iowa with his parents. After we graduated I stayed in the small town and he went into the Navy. After 3-4 years he was discharged because of an injury he sustained during boot camp that the Navy did not address until the very end. After the Navy he moved back home but wanted to move in with his husband in Florida. He flew me to Iowa and we took a 3 day trek down to Florida, found him an apartment, everything.

The next year he said that I was welcome to move in with them because they're moving to a bigger apartment and he knew how completely miserable I was being in that small town. At the time I was between jobs (that's a whole other story...) and had a little extra cash so I said why not and flew to visit him for a month while his husband was ordered somewhere else for that time. I would help him with his pets and getting him around if needed, as well as explore the area and see if I even liked the area.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

After I got back to California I decided that this was my best and only opportunity to get out of that small town so I took it. I got a new job, two in fact, when I returned and saved up money. He reached out to me around late January saying that he wanted to help me move like I helped him move, and if that was going to happen we now had a narrow window. His husband was being ordered to another place for 2 months and if I wanted his help it would have to be before that because someone had to stay at his apartment and look after their pets.

That next pay day I ordered his plane ticket for 6 weeks out, next day I told my manager they only had me until early March.

It was actually heartbreaking leaving everyone in hindsight. I made some really strong relationships and a great local reputation as a desired and well qualified house sitter, and an artist looking for projects. I worked with the local community theater for several plays and so I was just kind of getting established when I dug up my shaky roots and threw them in my car.

I cried so hard the night before I left I threw up in my car.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Sure I had literally all of my family in the 50 mile radius of the town I lived, but I wasn't close to most of them. Most of them were practicing JW's and didn't and never had shared my beliefs and views. There was push back with a lot of my opinions and things I did with my life, so I didn't feel super wanted- which wasn't necessarily a bad thing either. If these people didn't love being around me and I didn't love being around them, then why pretend on either side?

It's so exhausting rewriting and pretending and holding your breath and walking on eggshells for every conversation you have with your family.

Two of my favorite quotes I will always refer back to come to mind, one famously misquoted constantly:

"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb." Steps heavily to another side of this perspective with the real quote, doesn't it? Unlike the misconceived "blood is thicker than water" rubbish, this means that if you're born into a less-than-pleasant set of humans then it is okay to form strong bonds with other people to have as your acting "family" instead.

The second is "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Those worth putting time and energy into should be the ones who are doing the same and love you for who you are as a person. The one's that you have to "put up with" or if they have to do the same for you, are not worth your time. We all have our brief existence on this floating rock, might as well be genuine and happy while we breath.

Sometimes when I'm reassessing my life and the people I surround myself with, these words above calm me and I know I'm doing something right.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Back to the move.

It was quite a change from being in a town of 7k residents to a city with almost one million. I learned a lot of things, good and bad, about myself and about how massive amounts of people operate. I came to the realization that personal public censorship exists and I am a tired subscriber.

It doesn't feel good not holding my partner's hand in public because we don't feel safe.

Sure we both have found people who think we are just that- people- but we have found the majority of interactions we have with both strangers and coworkers are subpar in the basic human rights department. It's dehumanizing subjecting myself to these environments knowing fully well that most people are helping these asinine bills and laws be passed with their +1.

I have been- for a lack of a better word- blessed to have found wonderfully accepting and beautiful people while living here. I have such a support system at work, albeit small, but they would at this point fight tooth and nail for me. It makes the corners of my mouth turn upward.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Oh haha one thing I did within the first few months of living here was I finally publicly came out. I wrote this big long script on Facebook about how I knew I wasn't straight since about 6 years old and how I haven't jived with my given name for literal years. Most of my friends called me by my preferred name by that point and it hurt hearing my government name. My mom is almost never on Facebook so I hit post and then gave her a call to read it to her.

She was supportive but also heavily asked if it was all just a phase. I assured her that it was not, or if it was it was a 20+ year long phase. I informed her that if we were still to have a relationship this is what she's getting. Not a new daughter, but a slightly happier and more authentic one at that.

It was so important for me to let people who interact and perceive me that they are perceiving the correct version of me since not being genuine was quite literally killing me. Not everyone needs to come out in the traditional sense but it felt like the correct choice in this simulation (lol).

Do I regret it? I regret not coming out sooner. To be fair I didn't feel completely safe doing so as my direct family is horrible and relentless, so I had reasons for staying among the clothes in the closet.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[ quick thought

And here I thought my posts were gonna be super short ahahhaa

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Last year for my partner's 21st we flew back to my hometown so I could show them where I grew up and let them experience the sunsets that I've been raving about since I met them. They had not been to the West Coast as they've only lived between Texas (for high school) and Florida for their entire life. They were born in Washington, funnily enough, but have no memories of the place.

We went for two weeks and their brother and his girlfriend came along as they never been to California before either. Their brother was also born in Washington (I think?) and has about 6 years on them so he remembers the area a lot better than they would.

The first week all four of us camped in the neighboring town an hour away since it was literal pennies compared to the hotels in the area. California, and that county especially, has bed tax that hikes the price up a lot so it was basically impossible to afford being in a hotel for that long. It was really nice though! We got a 10 person tent, two air mattresses, aesthetic lights, music speakers, everything to make it cozy and it was so much fun. After the week their brother and his girlfriend flew back and my partner and I stayed for another week in the area.

The first two nights without the two other members of our party, my adoptive dad put us up in a hotel where he lived. The owner of the hotel was a friend of his so he got a good deal. We hung around that town while we stayed there and visited him and his wife a lot. They have always been so supportive and want the best for me and were so excited to meet my partner. They said that they could tell that I was really happy.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

After staying in the hotel for two nights, it was finally time to stay with my mom... She means well and wants to be in my life but she also just doesn't care? I don't know- she's such an enigma.

We stayed there for a few nights and it progressively got harder and harder to stay because of my mom and the state of her house. The constant deadnaming of both me and my partner, the misgendering of my partner, the disregard of us being uncomfortable with the way she drives- it compiled until we decided to put our money together and just stay in a hotel for the last night we were in town.

My mom is a Hoarder Lite and has an extremely cluttered and stuffy house and I grew up in that kind of environment basically until I finally moved away. Being back there and sleeping there was very overwhelming for me. My partner finally understood what I meant when I described her house and how it was. I don't think they've been in a house like that before. It was a lot for them as well.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

So going back was a good and a bad thing.

It was a good thing because I needed to show my partner where I came from. It was a bad thing in the sense that my partner fell in love with the area... But we couldn't move there. We had other plans in the works and other time constraints- let me back up.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

My partner's brother and his girlfriend hate it here. They have two young kids and they don't want their kids being raised in this country because of how broken it is. His girlfriend is the type of person who research to the end of her limits and put 200% of her time and energy into something that is better for her and her family. She decided that the best place that she should bring her family to is the Netherlands.

Straight outta left field, hey?

She discussed it with her boyfriend (partner's brother) and decided that that is the best solution to their issues. My partner's mother was also on board with this and she told them this plan extremely early on in our relationship. We had only been dating for about 2 months when this plan surfaced, around august 2020.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

My partner was super distraught because I am the love of their life, and likewise them to me 🖤, but they are very close to their family, so staying behind while everyone they know and love move across the world just was not an option for them. They also knew that asking their brand new partner if she would follow them and their family move countries only after dating for 2 months was insane, but here's the thing: I wasn't against it. I thought it was an amazing idea and it would allow all of us to thrive and experience life in a different life.

Would it be difficult, especially in the beginning? Oh yeah no for sure. Would it be worth it? Oh yeah no for sure.

I bash my keyboard nonchalantly about this because my mind just does not operate with long-term things. Until something is actively happening, my brain just does not emotionally register it. I can't plan anything years out. Heck just months out is really difficult for me.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

So that was the plan- roughly- to move early 2021. It was moved to late 2021, then got pushed back to when my friend's husband got back from Guam in 2024. I couldn't make that jump and leave my friend to live by himself looking after the house and all our pets. He doesn't do well by himself and I care about him too much to give him an almost death sentence.

So 2023 when he gets back from Guam yes nice and good...

... Then the Russia-Ukraine war started.

It changed our plans a bit, to say the least.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Operation N Foreseeable Future: Not Gonna Happen.

Knowing that was pushed back indefinitely, we had to think of something, think of somewhere else to live. Florida is literally killing me. I left my hometown to become the person I should be and want to be and flourish, and instead I am walking around with eggshells at my feet and a beartrap around my neck.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

We know we have to get our of this state and we have our sites set on the cold-water West Coast.

California is kind of out of the question as it costs an arm and a leg (maybe both) to live there. Couldn't go to Washington because of a certain person living there (long story, not my story to tell, just know it is bad and I'll kill the person on site if I ever see him), so lovely, wet, green Oregon it is!

I've been to Oregon a number of times since my step-dad's sister has a time share that she more often than not does not use. Because of this, she has let my step-dad use it periodically and he has brought my mom and me along for week-long mini vacations. When I say that the resort we stayed in every time gave me the absolute best night's sleep of my life, I am not exaggerating.

Moving that far means finding housing. Yay.

My friend is a veteran so he gets home loans very easily, but his credit is bad from years of supporting his parents, so we don't have a huge amount of money to work with. The housing market just gets worse the farther left on the map you go, so it's going to be a struggle finding he right place with enough space for us all. It will ultimately be 4 adults (maybe 5 if our other friend moves with us), and currently 7 cats. Based on that, renting just is not an option for us unfortunately.

He currently owns the home we all three live in (and it's a lemon let me TELL YA) and it has been a rocky journey in the year and a half we've lived here. It's a major stressor is all of our lives that's slowly chipping away our will.

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[ quick thought

My partner is trying to get their dream car and the listing they just checked out listed the wrong oedometer reading. They found out only after driving 5 hours to another state. God this sucks...

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[

Right now we are realistically looking at at least one year out to be able to move to the west coast. My partner's brother and his girlfriend are both coming as well. They think it's a great idea since the Netherlands was pushed back quite a bit, and they are both extremely like-minded to me and my partner. Plus I don't think my partner could live without them to be honest. They're both really good eggs. Their kids are also really good??

Oh God that's another thing to add to the main post: ✨children✨

]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[🖤

Okay so Mercy, that's a year out. You don't have to worry about that for a while. You'll be fine!

-_-

There's so many other things I am stressed out about; I'm merely compartmentalizing the big move for right now because if I process my feelings and fears I'll just shut down.

For my partner's 22nd birthday we're going on a cruise. Neither my friend nor I have ever been on one, and my partner and their family has gone on a lot of them so they want us to experience that with them too. Plus my friend and my partner share the same birthday (yes that's right) so it's going to be a birthday jamboree for both of them. This is the end of September.

I'm really jazzed about it but we have only paid the deposit, which is a far sight from the grand total. Because of how our job has been lately, it's been difficult to get hours so we haven't been able to get ahead since probably January. Every month it's been "just enough" for bills, and that's not including all the grocery costs my friend has been spotting us for. My friend is literally keeping me and partner alive and I don't know why he cares about us so much lmao

🖤]-+-

CyclonicMicroburst

Friend PM Trade

-+-[🖤

We have until July to pay for our tickets, and I'm sure we'll be fine because work is picking up literally next week so we'll be picking up more hours. I'm so excited for the food AnYtImE yOu WaNt. I'm gonna be comatose the whole time.

🖤]-+-

🖤 she/her | blissfully taken | ping me for I am a forgetful creature 🖤

Forums The Undercurrent Have Mercy

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

CyclonicMicroburst

You must be logged in to post