I'm going through a huge emotional transition in my life where I have to step away from an abusive family unit. My mother is a narcissistic abuser, my dad an enabler, and the rest of my siblings pretty much just gaslight me whenever I try to talk about our ~tragic backstory~ or ask questions or try to get clarity on events. It's a struggle.
My majority issue is with my mother and really accepting that she is and always will be unempathetic towards me. It has been a heartbreaking experience fully accepting that I am never going to be good enough for her - as I am. Obviously I didn't know this growing up so I cultivated my entire interests, hobbies, and personality towards trying to "earn her love"
This acceptance has been a long time coming. I'm 28 and although my world isn't shattered- my self perception most definitely is. I'm just really struggling piecing back together any identity I ever had. I feel as though I'm really backsliding with my mental health as I have made great strides thus far but this revelation really broke me down this time. I'm really realizing how little self-esteem I have, how much I put myself down, how much I bully myself, etc.
It just sucks and it's a hard pill to swallow to see the road ahead of me. I'm lucky to have the support system I have with my fiancé and his family - but somedays it just doesn't feel like it's enough. There's always that rhetorical "why can't my mom just love me?" in the back of my mind and it kills.
I just needed a place to let all these feelings out.
Forums Serious Talk Distancing Myself From My Family But Mostly My Mother- A Vent/Rant
@totalanimefan: thanks for the kind words they are very appreciated!
it is very tough. luckily my parents moved out of state so there's some literal physical distance between us.
It's going to be an adjustment for sure. I'm not cutting them out - but I'm not taking their crap anymore either.
I am my own person gosh dang it *^*
it is very tough. luckily my parents moved out of state so there's some literal physical distance between us.
It's going to be an adjustment for sure. I'm not cutting them out - but I'm not taking their crap anymore either.
I am my own person gosh dang it *^*
@totalanimefan: yes indeed! i don't have to worry about anything until christmas so I have some time to breathe.
@totalanimefan: yeah its going to be a process for sure. it's ok though. i just have to remember that i'm in control now - not them *^*
Vent: Emotionally Charged Rant
Today was a really tough day - emotionally.
One of the maaany roots of my issues have to do with self-respect which I severely lack - and also realizing how this has affected the relationships with my friends - whom I also feel don't really respect me either. I know it's more complicated than this but it's an overwhelming process and I know not everyday is going to be like this and it's going to get better - it's just a rough day. I need to seek out therapy again but the thought of having to pay to grieve and cry these emotions out is not something I can afford to do.
I'm unemployed and have been since the beginning of the pandemic. I'm trying to start a photography business but my severe lack of self-esteem and confidence really hinders me - I constantly bully and belittle myself and feel as if I'm not receiving any actual support from my friends despite my attempted efforts at communicating with them. *siiiigh*
Today was a really tough day - emotionally.
One of the maaany roots of my issues have to do with self-respect which I severely lack - and also realizing how this has affected the relationships with my friends - whom I also feel don't really respect me either. I know it's more complicated than this but it's an overwhelming process and I know not everyday is going to be like this and it's going to get better - it's just a rough day. I need to seek out therapy again but the thought of having to pay to grieve and cry these emotions out is not something I can afford to do.
I'm unemployed and have been since the beginning of the pandemic. I'm trying to start a photography business but my severe lack of self-esteem and confidence really hinders me - I constantly bully and belittle myself and feel as if I'm not receiving any actual support from my friends despite my attempted efforts at communicating with them. *siiiigh*
@sailormoon: I totally get the mom not respecting you thing, but for me it's my mother in law that's the issue. Living with her the last 4 months has really opened my eyes to why my husband reacts the way he does to certain things. Why he shuts down, why he tends to blame himself for things that have nothing to do with him, why he's posessive over things he owns, why he bottles up his emotions.... it's all from his childhood trauma and how his mom behaves. Honestly, it's a wonder that his younger siblings don't have eating disorders. I've almost developed one myself in the last 4 months just because of things she says to my husband. She's definitely a narcisist and is mentally and verbally abusive. Nothing we ever do seems to be enough or done the right way and it's really hard dealing with someone like that. The hardest part of it is that the other 3 siblings still follow what she says blindly and don't listen to everything before making a decision about certain events. It's really hard to deal with, but even harder to distance yourself from the family you love, just because it's what you need to do for your own mental health. My husband and i are planning on moving out on the 16th just an hour away, but that's still enough for the relationship with his mom to improve. It's probably never going to get to where i'd like it to be, but it will be better.
As for friends... That's even a harder realization. Realizing your friends don't really respect you or treat you well is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with. Natually, we want to justify their behaviors and make excuses for them, but once we realize what's actually going on, once we realize that they're not going to change, the only thing left to do is to make better friends or to just gently drop the friends you have now and slowly ease them out of your life and being less available to them. If they're not putting forth the same energy you are, you need to match them or else you're just going to end up feeling drained and depressed and your self worth is going to tank even further.
Letting go of anyone is difficult, beacuse you have basically a big painting of what you expect your life to be, and then when you realize sometihng isn't quite right, you have to basically rebuild/repaint that part of the picture, and it takes a lot of work. Finding supports with people like myself will help. If you need someone to talk to or anything, don't hesitate to message me or anything. i'm on basically every night after work, so you'll get an answer within 24 - 36 hours, depending on whatever is going on in my life and when you message me, but you'll have an answer. and if i'm online and you wanna talk about anytihng, ping me or message me and i'll reply quickly.
As for friends... That's even a harder realization. Realizing your friends don't really respect you or treat you well is probably the hardest thing to come to terms with. Natually, we want to justify their behaviors and make excuses for them, but once we realize what's actually going on, once we realize that they're not going to change, the only thing left to do is to make better friends or to just gently drop the friends you have now and slowly ease them out of your life and being less available to them. If they're not putting forth the same energy you are, you need to match them or else you're just going to end up feeling drained and depressed and your self worth is going to tank even further.
Letting go of anyone is difficult, beacuse you have basically a big painting of what you expect your life to be, and then when you realize sometihng isn't quite right, you have to basically rebuild/repaint that part of the picture, and it takes a lot of work. Finding supports with people like myself will help. If you need someone to talk to or anything, don't hesitate to message me or anything. i'm on basically every night after work, so you'll get an answer within 24 - 36 hours, depending on whatever is going on in my life and when you message me, but you'll have an answer. and if i'm online and you wanna talk about anytihng, ping me or message me and i'll reply quickly.
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@alorrena: I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Even sorrier about your husband and his relationship with her. It's definitely a hard thing to deal with. I'm happy that you guys are moving out soon <3 <3 <3 I get the siblings following blindly, i feel like my siblings do that as well. At least my older siblings. Living with a narcissist is the worst. They will never ever ever accept responsibility or see their own part in the suffering they cause those around them. It's really sad :/
I think the hardest thing about it for me, personally, is that the more I heal and stand up for myself the meaner they get with me. I've always been the scapegoat/black sheep/villain of the family even though I have the emotional range of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah friends have always been a struggle for me. For one I grew up isolated for the most part, was bullied a lot and ostracized, and when I finally did make friends - they were quick to pass me off to someone else. ;/ But...even when I feel open and vulnerable to share..I always get the feeling that they are uncomfortable or get the impression that i'm just talking about my trauma for attention..which just sucks.
I'm really hoping to cultivate new friendships here and find that support I've been needing/wanting/yearning for all this time. I'm trying hard to let go of expectation going forward. Life is nothing like I expected, but how could it be? I was raised with skewed perspective of the world from the very beginning of my life.
Thank you for offering support. Likewise if you need to rant/vent/talk about the situation with your mother-in-law. Living with narcissists are a special kind of hell - they only see their point of view and even then it's super flawed and obscured by their own pain.
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@alorrena: I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Even sorrier about your husband and his relationship with her. It's definitely a hard thing to deal with. I'm happy that you guys are moving out soon <3 <3 <3 I get the siblings following blindly, i feel like my siblings do that as well. At least my older siblings. Living with a narcissist is the worst. They will never ever ever accept responsibility or see their own part in the suffering they cause those around them. It's really sad :/
I think the hardest thing about it for me, personally, is that the more I heal and stand up for myself the meaner they get with me. I've always been the scapegoat/black sheep/villain of the family even though I have the emotional range of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah friends have always been a struggle for me. For one I grew up isolated for the most part, was bullied a lot and ostracized, and when I finally did make friends - they were quick to pass me off to someone else. ;/ But...even when I feel open and vulnerable to share..I always get the feeling that they are uncomfortable or get the impression that i'm just talking about my trauma for attention..which just sucks.
I'm really hoping to cultivate new friendships here and find that support I've been needing/wanting/yearning for all this time. I'm trying hard to let go of expectation going forward. Life is nothing like I expected, but how could it be? I was raised with skewed perspective of the world from the very beginning of my life.
Thank you for offering support. Likewise if you need to rant/vent/talk about the situation with your mother-in-law. Living with narcissists are a special kind of hell - they only see their point of view and even then it's super flawed and obscured by their own pain.
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@sailormoon: you are completely right about narcissists not being able to see their own fault. I think a big part of that is everyone around them makes excuses for them, "oh that's just how she is, she doesn't mean it like that, yada yada yada." My siblings in law are like that. I can't really fault them for it, they don't really know better. I mean she was a single mom with an abusive ex (their ex-stepdad that was more of a father to them than their own dad ever was, who is also a piece of work, but more in the dead beat makes excuses for everything he does or doesn't do, like not coming to my wedding- kind of way. The step dad was physically, verbally, and i'm sure mentally abusive to my MIL.) so i can understand why they make excuses for her, but at the same time, it enables her. Tyi was the "black sheep" of the family too, because he decided at like 10 or so to live with his grandparents so his mom had one less mouth to worry about.
I can see how standing up for yourself can paint you as the bad guy even though it's not your fault. you're allowed to stand up for yourself, but with people like that, and with the family enabling them, you're going to take the brunt of things and it's going to be twisted to make it seem like you're in the wrong. That's sadly just how it goes most of the time with narcissists. At least you've been able to make the first step towards freeing yourself from that situation and being a different person than they've all made you out to be. Also, i, too, have the emotional range of bubbles. I cry. a lot. over everything. and there's nothing wrong with that. Having your support system (your fiance and family) will definitely help you too. I personally cannot do confrontation- i cry too much. So if there's something that needs to be done that has confrontation involved, i let Tyi handle it for me, or i make him play devils advocate (he's particularly good at that because of how he grew up) and run through possible scenarios with me before the actual confrontation. It's a process and it takes a lot of patience on everyone's behalf.
I get the whole ostracized and bullied thing.
i think life is never going to turn out how you expect because life is weird that way. Even people who have a good childhood and formative years and everything goes right for them, i can guarantee that they feel the same- that life didn't go how they expected. I think the important thing is to not let life make you jaded and bitter. (like my mother in law) I can say i've made better friends online than i did in person, and that's widely because the friends i make online have to put forth just as much effort into maintaining a friend ship as i do when it's online.
i appreciate your offer about letting me vent. i vent a lot to Total in her charity, usually after something's happened. (I always feel bad for venting because i was once told (when i was like 17) that i was too depressing and no one liked talking to me, and that's always stuck with me. So i do my best to be cheery when i can.) Since the big blow up that happened a month ago (over a freaking vacuum), things have been less intense, but it's still not a healthy dynamic. She's working on moving out anyways (like she should have been to begin with when we moved in, but that's a different story), so when we do finally tell her we're moving i'm pretty sure it won't be too bad (except we're springing it on her. not telling her until right before she goes on her trip) and the only real repercussions is her being pissy and mad for a few weeks (MAYBE) and the rest of the family being mad, but at this point it's that, or deal with her for at least a week. And we ARE planning on paying rent and utilities here for next month too, so really she'll have until November 15th to figure out her shit. That's 2 months from the time we move. The other possible outcome is she says we're being dumb since she's moving but whatever (it's just as likely that she'll do that too, but we'll have already moved by the time she can really react (she's going on a trip on the 14th and we're moving the 16th).
I can see how standing up for yourself can paint you as the bad guy even though it's not your fault. you're allowed to stand up for yourself, but with people like that, and with the family enabling them, you're going to take the brunt of things and it's going to be twisted to make it seem like you're in the wrong. That's sadly just how it goes most of the time with narcissists. At least you've been able to make the first step towards freeing yourself from that situation and being a different person than they've all made you out to be. Also, i, too, have the emotional range of bubbles. I cry. a lot. over everything. and there's nothing wrong with that. Having your support system (your fiance and family) will definitely help you too. I personally cannot do confrontation- i cry too much. So if there's something that needs to be done that has confrontation involved, i let Tyi handle it for me, or i make him play devils advocate (he's particularly good at that because of how he grew up) and run through possible scenarios with me before the actual confrontation. It's a process and it takes a lot of patience on everyone's behalf.
I get the whole ostracized and bullied thing.
in 5th grade i had one friend, who moved halfway through the year, the rest of the year and halfway into 6th grade i didn't have any friends. The whole elementary school teased me and made fun of me for whatever they could. no particular reason. And then half way through 6th grade my (now ex best friend started going to the same school, and since 5th and 6th graders had the same breaks, we got close. And then i switched schools for 7th grade (into jr high for me), and i made 1 friend in the beginning of the year, and then she moved, and then i made another friend, and she was pretty great, but she moved that summer. So when my best friend moved up to 7th grade when i was in 8th, i hung out with her and her friends, and then she stopped going to school, and then i had no friends, and then 9th grade, i had no friends most of the year, then i got sexually harassed by one of the popular kids and i reported it and he got in house suspension, and so half the school hated me half applauded me but still didn't want anything to do with me, and then middle of the year i started theater arts and met my friend mariah, and she introduced me to her friends and the rest of the year was ok, and then high school was ok, but looking back i've realized that the only reason people were "friends" with me was because i just hung out with them at lunch and at break and i was just the one that was kinda just there. No one really invited me out anywhere, etc. etc. and it caused me a lot of issues with self doubt and my self-worth. basically i put more effort into those friends than they did me. so now they're just facebook friends i haven't talked to in the last 12 years. And moving across the country made me realize that the friends that i made out of school were a lot better friends than the ones i thought were better because i knew them be, but i still have trust issues because of the ones that i actually went to school with. basically, i can definitely relate... sorry about the rant/life story.
i think life is never going to turn out how you expect because life is weird that way. Even people who have a good childhood and formative years and everything goes right for them, i can guarantee that they feel the same- that life didn't go how they expected. I think the important thing is to not let life make you jaded and bitter. (like my mother in law) I can say i've made better friends online than i did in person, and that's widely because the friends i make online have to put forth just as much effort into maintaining a friend ship as i do when it's online.
i appreciate your offer about letting me vent. i vent a lot to Total in her charity, usually after something's happened. (I always feel bad for venting because i was once told (when i was like 17) that i was too depressing and no one liked talking to me, and that's always stuck with me. So i do my best to be cheery when i can.) Since the big blow up that happened a month ago (over a freaking vacuum), things have been less intense, but it's still not a healthy dynamic. She's working on moving out anyways (like she should have been to begin with when we moved in, but that's a different story), so when we do finally tell her we're moving i'm pretty sure it won't be too bad (except we're springing it on her. not telling her until right before she goes on her trip) and the only real repercussions is her being pissy and mad for a few weeks (MAYBE) and the rest of the family being mad, but at this point it's that, or deal with her for at least a week. And we ARE planning on paying rent and utilities here for next month too, so really she'll have until November 15th to figure out her shit. That's 2 months from the time we move. The other possible outcome is she says we're being dumb since she's moving but whatever (it's just as likely that she'll do that too, but we'll have already moved by the time she can really react (she's going on a trip on the 14th and we're moving the 16th).
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@alorrena: That's unfortunate. It is such a tricky and awful situation for anyone to be in. Abuse is such a strong cycle to break but it doesn't excuse a person's behavior for perpetuating that same abuse onto other loved ones.
The worst part of it is the grieving process for me. Mourning this idea of a mother I had in my head and grieving the hope that she could ever change and be a better person. Both my mother and step-father are alcoholics. So growing up, my mother was extremely good as painting herself as the hero and my step-dad as the monster. She would "get us out" take us to our aunts, or a hotel room, etc. I always ignored the part where she continued to drink and vilify my step-dad after the fact. It was much easier to pretend she wasn't an awful person.
My siblings make excuses as well. I recently tried to reach out to my older sister. We don't talk much but I know she's been the therapeutic process so I naiively tried to confide in her about how I felt about our mom, she immediately got defensive and started saying "you need to leave it in the past. you think everyone in this family is so dysfunctional"
I was taken aback so I just started shutting down and holding back tears because again, expectations got the better of me. I can't do confrontation either. I will shut down & sob heavily everytime.
Standing up is hard. It was literally impossible for me to do as a child. We were raised in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. MY older siblings didn't want anything to do with me unless it was to bully me, shut me out, or scare me - which they did frequently. I learned early on not to engage with anyone so naturally it's easy for everyone to say I hate them - but the truth is - they don't know a thing about me - nor do I know much about them. I know we're not the same people - but I'm learning that they will always see me as this weaker, defenseless child who they can push around to make themselves feel better.
As for the friend stuff, I'm learning that now. Looking back I realize how I also was just a random person at a lunch table who nobody really liked. I was just kind of there for the most part. I was bullied by teachers a lot too. They immediately assumed that because I smelled like smoke (my mother is the hugest chain-smoker I've ever known) that I was a bad kid. Because I missed school a lot I was a bad kid. Because I didn't turn homework, had social anxiety, and flaked out on every presentation, I was a bad kid. It sucked. I was just a kid trying to survive who's family was too busy hating each other and drinking on school nights for me to concentrate, hell, I couldn't even get a full night's rest. And to this day I still don't feel safe falling asleep in my own bed in my own home.
This kind of stuff is hard to vent about so please never feel guilty about venting to me. I understand. There was always the rumor that I was making all this stuff up just so I could get attention from people. Like I never understood that logic. Why would anyone make up horrible shit just for people to get pity points? I don't ever want people to pity me. I come from a super rich, white, conservative town so I'm sure that also has stuff to do with it. :')
A vacuum?? Yikes yikes yikes. Spring it on her! As much as she springs emotional outbursts on you and your husband I think it's perfectly acceptable (and safer probably as well) to wait for her trip.
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@alorrena: That's unfortunate. It is such a tricky and awful situation for anyone to be in. Abuse is such a strong cycle to break but it doesn't excuse a person's behavior for perpetuating that same abuse onto other loved ones.
The worst part of it is the grieving process for me. Mourning this idea of a mother I had in my head and grieving the hope that she could ever change and be a better person. Both my mother and step-father are alcoholics. So growing up, my mother was extremely good as painting herself as the hero and my step-dad as the monster. She would "get us out" take us to our aunts, or a hotel room, etc. I always ignored the part where she continued to drink and vilify my step-dad after the fact. It was much easier to pretend she wasn't an awful person.
My siblings make excuses as well. I recently tried to reach out to my older sister. We don't talk much but I know she's been the therapeutic process so I naiively tried to confide in her about how I felt about our mom, she immediately got defensive and started saying "you need to leave it in the past. you think everyone in this family is so dysfunctional"
I was taken aback so I just started shutting down and holding back tears because again, expectations got the better of me. I can't do confrontation either. I will shut down & sob heavily everytime.
Standing up is hard. It was literally impossible for me to do as a child. We were raised in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. MY older siblings didn't want anything to do with me unless it was to bully me, shut me out, or scare me - which they did frequently. I learned early on not to engage with anyone so naturally it's easy for everyone to say I hate them - but the truth is - they don't know a thing about me - nor do I know much about them. I know we're not the same people - but I'm learning that they will always see me as this weaker, defenseless child who they can push around to make themselves feel better.
As for the friend stuff, I'm learning that now. Looking back I realize how I also was just a random person at a lunch table who nobody really liked. I was just kind of there for the most part. I was bullied by teachers a lot too. They immediately assumed that because I smelled like smoke (my mother is the hugest chain-smoker I've ever known) that I was a bad kid. Because I missed school a lot I was a bad kid. Because I didn't turn homework, had social anxiety, and flaked out on every presentation, I was a bad kid. It sucked. I was just a kid trying to survive who's family was too busy hating each other and drinking on school nights for me to concentrate, hell, I couldn't even get a full night's rest. And to this day I still don't feel safe falling asleep in my own bed in my own home.
This kind of stuff is hard to vent about so please never feel guilty about venting to me. I understand. There was always the rumor that I was making all this stuff up just so I could get attention from people. Like I never understood that logic. Why would anyone make up horrible shit just for people to get pity points? I don't ever want people to pity me. I come from a super rich, white, conservative town so I'm sure that also has stuff to do with it. :')
A vacuum?? Yikes yikes yikes. Spring it on her! As much as she springs emotional outbursts on you and your husband I think it's perfectly acceptable (and safer probably as well) to wait for her trip.
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I get that. It's really hard living with a parent that's constantly badmouthing the other to make themselves look/appear better than they really are.
That's super rude what your sister said. Unfortunately, a lot of families are like that. It does sound that while your sister is trying to become better, she probably hasn't talked about your mom with her therapist yet. If she had, and had expressed that she thinks it's best to just ignore what happened or how your mother is and to leave things in the past, then her therapist would have said no, it's important to talk about what happened to you and your siblings. Your reaction is pretty normal, if you ask me. It's like you were trying to reach out but basically got told no, and that's not fair to you.
As far as standing up goes, it takes a LOT of practice to do it effectively and to do it in a way that doesn't allow for anyone to tell you that you're making a big deal out of things and that you're the drama when you're not. I've actually gotten into the habit of calling people out on their behavior when it's not how i wish to be treated. It's blunt, and sometimes makes me into the bad guy, but in the end i think it's what's best for me. I also don't know how to say things without being blunt to the point of coming off as rude, in the moment. its kind of like i get a mental block and i can't get past it or soften my words without dulling the meanings until i say it bluntly. It's something that's caused problems, but it also allows me to know who really cares about me and consider me family. Because it's not like i'm rude about things or intentionally hurtful, and then just leave it at that. i almost immediately start explaining what i mean and my thought process on things. And i also explain that when i say the blunt thing it's not exactly how i meant for it to sound, and what i was trying to say was the same thing, but nicer. I fully believe you can say whatever you want to someone, it just depends on how you say it. Sometimes, rarely, at least for me, the person i'm calling out doesn't want to understand that i wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful and that causes a rift between us. Like my baby sister, for example. That's a lot of drama, where basically she treated me poorly because i told her it would be smarter to have her boyfriend live in another place than her for a year before moving in with him (he moved in with her the first time they met in person.) I don't really understand how that by it's self is hurtful, but that's how she took it. And then when i explained that it's not that i thought they wouldn't last, and that it was more for safety and their sanity, as well as giving them time to really get to know each other before fully living together she got even more upset? i still don't get it. Apparently both of them got upset by it, but whatever. I know i'm the kid who has her head screwed on straight and makes smart choices. She ended up pregnant not even 2 months after that whole conversation happened, too. She doesn't make good choices, apparently.
I got ignored a lot by teachers. I had an IEP (because i have adhd, anxiety, and depression, and my mom made sure i had it because my oldest sibling has autism and had one too). And that put me in special ed classes, which didn't help kids picking on me. I'd get in trouble in class for reading a book instead of doing my work, or appearing to be listening to the lecture, and teachers didn't like that. so they'd embarrass me in front of the whole class by scolding me, and then later kids would pick on me for that. it was rough.
I don't understand why anyone would think that you'd make stories up for pity, especially if it's an ongoing thing and you keep saying the same thing over and over. People suck.
Yeah, she went on a 2 week trip in july and was home for a week before she decided she was going to vacuum and then couldn't find the vacuum she thought she had (that neither i nor my husband have ever seen before) and thought we had sold it or tossed it or gave it away or something, and then became adamant that we hired a maid to clean the house before she got home (cause apparently my husband and i can't keep a house clean, who knew!? *eyeroll*) so when we told her we didn't know what happened to the vacuum and told her that the only vacuum we've ever seen or used was the one she was yelling about and saying wasn't hers and blah blah blah. Tyi and she got into it and it escalated out of control because she refuses to listen to me or Tyi and it was a big ordeal that ended with tyi saying forget it, we're moving that week. Then they both calmed down (sorta. Tyi was still mad, but he knows how to talk to his mom when he's mad) and she said don't worry about moving cause she was going to and all she needed was for someone to sit with gram so she(MIL) and grandpa could go through gram's things and get rid of the things she doesn't need that she was hoarding or hanging onto for no reason other than the fact that it was hers. So Tyi said okay, well let us know when you want to do all of that, and if we're not working we can do it. So when he came in and told me he said he was going to give her until that friday to give him a date and time, but then that friday ended up until the 19th (of august. The fight was on the 6th), and then that turned into, well she's really started to move things because her sister was in town and we might as well see what she's going to do, and then i kept having anxiety attacks because she would come home from work and start yelling at tyikee (i wouldn't go out to talk to her, she didn't ask me to anyways) about how the kitchen was a mess or how we didn't clean something right (kitchen a mess= a couple crumbs on the counter or our dishes from dinner from that night sitting in the sink to be washed or something) and that went of for two weeks and eventually i sat down with tyi and said look, she's going to take her sweet time, she's never going to respect us as adults or respect our space as long as we live here, had i known that she was going to be like this we never would have agreed to moving in, and basically i don't think it's ever going to end. Not to mention all the things that need to be done to the house to make it better for us to live in, and for me to be happy in this house, and that all that money we'd be putting in would basically be a waste sine it's a house we'd be renting and the landlady already said she wasn't going to fix. (it's a pretty healthy list. more than 10 things on it, including the garage door opener getting fixed or replaced, which is at least $1k) So why should we continue to live here where we're already miserable, just to waste money fixing a house we're only going to live in for at most 7 years, when we can move back in with out old roommates, save money, and then eventually move the roommates out and maybe even just buy ourselves a house? He couldn't think of a good enough reason, because when he siad the whole reason we moved was so we could be closer to his grandparents, i said we go over there less than we did when we lived in orlando before. And we can make a point of coming out to see them every other week before we go to D&D. so he said okay, when do we want to move? And i said as soon as we possibly can, and i came up with a budget that we've been able to stick to pretty well (except for the pc issue that might cost a little money, but enough to put us potentially behind) and we decided on the 16th. He's worried about telling his mom because we don't know how she'll react. but he won't let me tell her, even though i can probably phrase it in such a way that she'll be okay with it. We're also being the bigger party because we're already planning on paying rent here next month, even though we won't be here, just so she can get what she needs to done.
@sailormoon:
That's super rude what your sister said. Unfortunately, a lot of families are like that. It does sound that while your sister is trying to become better, she probably hasn't talked about your mom with her therapist yet. If she had, and had expressed that she thinks it's best to just ignore what happened or how your mother is and to leave things in the past, then her therapist would have said no, it's important to talk about what happened to you and your siblings. Your reaction is pretty normal, if you ask me. It's like you were trying to reach out but basically got told no, and that's not fair to you.
As far as standing up goes, it takes a LOT of practice to do it effectively and to do it in a way that doesn't allow for anyone to tell you that you're making a big deal out of things and that you're the drama when you're not. I've actually gotten into the habit of calling people out on their behavior when it's not how i wish to be treated. It's blunt, and sometimes makes me into the bad guy, but in the end i think it's what's best for me. I also don't know how to say things without being blunt to the point of coming off as rude, in the moment. its kind of like i get a mental block and i can't get past it or soften my words without dulling the meanings until i say it bluntly. It's something that's caused problems, but it also allows me to know who really cares about me and consider me family. Because it's not like i'm rude about things or intentionally hurtful, and then just leave it at that. i almost immediately start explaining what i mean and my thought process on things. And i also explain that when i say the blunt thing it's not exactly how i meant for it to sound, and what i was trying to say was the same thing, but nicer. I fully believe you can say whatever you want to someone, it just depends on how you say it. Sometimes, rarely, at least for me, the person i'm calling out doesn't want to understand that i wasn't trying to be mean or hurtful and that causes a rift between us. Like my baby sister, for example. That's a lot of drama, where basically she treated me poorly because i told her it would be smarter to have her boyfriend live in another place than her for a year before moving in with him (he moved in with her the first time they met in person.) I don't really understand how that by it's self is hurtful, but that's how she took it. And then when i explained that it's not that i thought they wouldn't last, and that it was more for safety and their sanity, as well as giving them time to really get to know each other before fully living together she got even more upset? i still don't get it. Apparently both of them got upset by it, but whatever. I know i'm the kid who has her head screwed on straight and makes smart choices. She ended up pregnant not even 2 months after that whole conversation happened, too. She doesn't make good choices, apparently.
I got ignored a lot by teachers. I had an IEP (because i have adhd, anxiety, and depression, and my mom made sure i had it because my oldest sibling has autism and had one too). And that put me in special ed classes, which didn't help kids picking on me. I'd get in trouble in class for reading a book instead of doing my work, or appearing to be listening to the lecture, and teachers didn't like that. so they'd embarrass me in front of the whole class by scolding me, and then later kids would pick on me for that. it was rough.
I don't understand why anyone would think that you'd make stories up for pity, especially if it's an ongoing thing and you keep saying the same thing over and over. People suck.
Yeah, she went on a 2 week trip in july and was home for a week before she decided she was going to vacuum and then couldn't find the vacuum she thought she had (that neither i nor my husband have ever seen before) and thought we had sold it or tossed it or gave it away or something, and then became adamant that we hired a maid to clean the house before she got home (cause apparently my husband and i can't keep a house clean, who knew!? *eyeroll*) so when we told her we didn't know what happened to the vacuum and told her that the only vacuum we've ever seen or used was the one she was yelling about and saying wasn't hers and blah blah blah. Tyi and she got into it and it escalated out of control because she refuses to listen to me or Tyi and it was a big ordeal that ended with tyi saying forget it, we're moving that week. Then they both calmed down (sorta. Tyi was still mad, but he knows how to talk to his mom when he's mad) and she said don't worry about moving cause she was going to and all she needed was for someone to sit with gram so she(MIL) and grandpa could go through gram's things and get rid of the things she doesn't need that she was hoarding or hanging onto for no reason other than the fact that it was hers. So Tyi said okay, well let us know when you want to do all of that, and if we're not working we can do it. So when he came in and told me he said he was going to give her until that friday to give him a date and time, but then that friday ended up until the 19th (of august. The fight was on the 6th), and then that turned into, well she's really started to move things because her sister was in town and we might as well see what she's going to do, and then i kept having anxiety attacks because she would come home from work and start yelling at tyikee (i wouldn't go out to talk to her, she didn't ask me to anyways) about how the kitchen was a mess or how we didn't clean something right (kitchen a mess= a couple crumbs on the counter or our dishes from dinner from that night sitting in the sink to be washed or something) and that went of for two weeks and eventually i sat down with tyi and said look, she's going to take her sweet time, she's never going to respect us as adults or respect our space as long as we live here, had i known that she was going to be like this we never would have agreed to moving in, and basically i don't think it's ever going to end. Not to mention all the things that need to be done to the house to make it better for us to live in, and for me to be happy in this house, and that all that money we'd be putting in would basically be a waste sine it's a house we'd be renting and the landlady already said she wasn't going to fix. (it's a pretty healthy list. more than 10 things on it, including the garage door opener getting fixed or replaced, which is at least $1k) So why should we continue to live here where we're already miserable, just to waste money fixing a house we're only going to live in for at most 7 years, when we can move back in with out old roommates, save money, and then eventually move the roommates out and maybe even just buy ourselves a house? He couldn't think of a good enough reason, because when he siad the whole reason we moved was so we could be closer to his grandparents, i said we go over there less than we did when we lived in orlando before. And we can make a point of coming out to see them every other week before we go to D&D. so he said okay, when do we want to move? And i said as soon as we possibly can, and i came up with a budget that we've been able to stick to pretty well (except for the pc issue that might cost a little money, but enough to put us potentially behind) and we decided on the 16th. He's worried about telling his mom because we don't know how she'll react. but he won't let me tell her, even though i can probably phrase it in such a way that she'll be okay with it. We're also being the bigger party because we're already planning on paying rent here next month, even though we won't be here, just so she can get what she needs to done.
@sailormoon:
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@alorrena:
yeahhh my sister is notoriously not nice (to me) I'm just hoping that with distance and figuring out my own personal stuff that at least I will be able to have better boundaries and stay in good spirits when I spend limited time around them.
all i can say to the vacuum story is Y I K E S ! ! ! ! ! I wish you a smooth transition to moving out. Hopefully she can be at least a little bit of an adult about the whole thing but you won't know until it happens. Sending good vibes your way~~~
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@alorrena:
yeahhh my sister is notoriously not nice (to me) I'm just hoping that with distance and figuring out my own personal stuff that at least I will be able to have better boundaries and stay in good spirits when I spend limited time around them.
all i can say to the vacuum story is Y I K E S ! ! ! ! ! I wish you a smooth transition to moving out. Hopefully she can be at least a little bit of an adult about the whole thing but you won't know until it happens. Sending good vibes your way~~~
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@sailormoon: i think limited visits with escape plans are a good idea. Also, learning what you want your boundaries to be will be helpful, and are indeed the first step to enforcing them. Which is also the hard part.
Yeah... Tyi still hasn't told her, and honestly i don't blame him. He has a lot going on with his pc not working that causing him enough stress, so i'm not really pressing the issue. I asked if he told her and he said not yet, so idk if we're even going to tell her until after we move out or after she leaves on her trip. She'll be gone the day we end up moving, so it will work out, even if we don't tell her until after the fact. It helps that she thinks we both have jobs, so it will seem like we just up and left, but i don't care. honestly i wouldn't care if she didn't know until she got back to find us and our stuff gone. We're still planning on paying utilities and rent next month (we just paid it last friday, and we're paying utilities this friday), so she's not left high and dry, so at least if the family gets mad we can at least point out that we gave her plenty of time to figure her things out in order for her to move, like she's been planning on since may (MAY!! It's been 4 months for crying out loud...) There's other things that she's done that make me stressed and make me feel like she has no respect for tyi or me, but at this point talking about them is kinda moot. tldr is basically she doesn't respect our boundaries.
Yeah... Tyi still hasn't told her, and honestly i don't blame him. He has a lot going on with his pc not working that causing him enough stress, so i'm not really pressing the issue. I asked if he told her and he said not yet, so idk if we're even going to tell her until after we move out or after she leaves on her trip. She'll be gone the day we end up moving, so it will work out, even if we don't tell her until after the fact. It helps that she thinks we both have jobs, so it will seem like we just up and left, but i don't care. honestly i wouldn't care if she didn't know until she got back to find us and our stuff gone. We're still planning on paying utilities and rent next month (we just paid it last friday, and we're paying utilities this friday), so she's not left high and dry, so at least if the family gets mad we can at least point out that we gave her plenty of time to figure her things out in order for her to move, like she's been planning on since may (MAY!! It's been 4 months for crying out loud...) There's other things that she's done that make me stressed and make me feel like she has no respect for tyi or me, but at this point talking about them is kinda moot. tldr is basically she doesn't respect our boundaries.
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@alorrena: figuring out what i want has always been a challenge for me, boundaries or otherwise XD You're right though. How can I enforce somethign when I don't even know what it is I want to enforce?
May??? Yeeeeesh. I wish you luck. Definitely keep me posted on what happens. I hope that it doens't escalate into anything for you and your husbands sake. <3
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@alorrena: figuring out what i want has always been a challenge for me, boundaries or otherwise XD You're right though. How can I enforce somethign when I don't even know what it is I want to enforce?
May??? Yeeeeesh. I wish you luck. Definitely keep me posted on what happens. I hope that it doens't escalate into anything for you and your husbands sake. <3
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@sailormoon: Girl, Same! haha but yeah, exactly. Figuring those things out is just as important as enforcing them.
I will, it's nice to talk about this stuff with someone who can relate in one way or another.
I can totally see the family getting mad about it, but eventually they'll get over it once they see that we're still around (or around more often, actually), and they hear that we paid an extra month even though we didn't have to. Even if his mom moves out before rent and stuff is due next month we're still sending it to her to do with whatever she wants. That's her business, not ours. -shrug- And if they want to be mad at us, we don't care enough to be bothered by it. We have our reasons for moving, they're valid, and they're not going to be told to anyone as to why we really decided to move. As far as they'll know, it's because our old roommate needed someone to move in because the other one is planning on moving out (not a total lie, he's just not moving until about next may lol) and the one left needed someone to live with him because otherwise he'd end up homeless. That and we decided that the house wasn't worth the work we'd want to put into it to make it a good place for us long term since we wouldn't own it. Why pay our hard earned money to fix someone else's house? (true reason. Though i doubt they'll believe it, but again not my problem.)
I will, it's nice to talk about this stuff with someone who can relate in one way or another.
I can totally see the family getting mad about it, but eventually they'll get over it once they see that we're still around (or around more often, actually), and they hear that we paid an extra month even though we didn't have to. Even if his mom moves out before rent and stuff is due next month we're still sending it to her to do with whatever she wants. That's her business, not ours. -shrug- And if they want to be mad at us, we don't care enough to be bothered by it. We have our reasons for moving, they're valid, and they're not going to be told to anyone as to why we really decided to move. As far as they'll know, it's because our old roommate needed someone to move in because the other one is planning on moving out (not a total lie, he's just not moving until about next may lol) and the one left needed someone to live with him because otherwise he'd end up homeless. That and we decided that the house wasn't worth the work we'd want to put into it to make it a good place for us long term since we wouldn't own it. Why pay our hard earned money to fix someone else's house? (true reason. Though i doubt they'll believe it, but again not my problem.)
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@alorrena: I have been enjoying our conversation as well :3 It really does feel good to know there's someone else out there who is going through something similar. It's not something I've been able to relate to anyone about much throughout my life.
Those are all perfectly valid reasons. Especially the house one XD
The family can get over it if they get mad. What a bunch of buttheads. If they want to be upset on her behalf that she can't piggy back off of yall anymore then they can step up and support her if its such a problem. -shrug-
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@alorrena: I have been enjoying our conversation as well :3 It really does feel good to know there's someone else out there who is going through something similar. It's not something I've been able to relate to anyone about much throughout my life.
Those are all perfectly valid reasons. Especially the house one XD
The family can get over it if they get mad. What a bunch of buttheads. If they want to be upset on her behalf that she can't piggy back off of yall anymore then they can step up and support her if its such a problem. -shrug-
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@sailormoon: The worst part about them is that they've all lived with her as adults. And they all moved out the earliest they could, with the exception of Tyi's youngest brother ( there's 4 kids, tyi, middle brother, youngest brother, and the youngest is the sister. All of the boys have names that start with ty lol) who moved out the first point he had a reason to (a steady girlfriend who had her own place. And is now pregnant. it's unknown if it was an accident or if it was planned. The middle brother's first kid was an accident, and his son, i don't know if that was on purpose or not, but i assume it was.) Even when the middle brother and his baby momma were living here, they didn't get along with MIL. And their sister moved out as soon as she could. I think she moved in with her boyfriend once she turned 18 or 19 actually. (she's almost 23). So they should all understand, but they won't. I usually have a good relationship with them, but i don't trust that to be true in a couple weeks, especially with my sister in law. she's feisty and takes after her mom a fair amount.
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@alorrena: forgetting the past is easy when it's convenient, lol.
Honestly, it will probably be a breath of fresh air if everyone is mad and stays away from yall for awhile XD Here's to hoping you guys can get some peace.
As far as my stuff goes, I'm home and ready to get up off my sad little booty and make some practical, slow, consistant life changes XD
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@alorrena: forgetting the past is easy when it's convenient, lol.
Honestly, it will probably be a breath of fresh air if everyone is mad and stays away from yall for awhile XD Here's to hoping you guys can get some peace.
As far as my stuff goes, I'm home and ready to get up off my sad little booty and make some practical, slow, consistant life changes XD
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@sailormoon: yah, it will be nice lol
That's good. Being ready and willing to make the effort and changes you need to better your life is a big step!
That's good. Being ready and willing to make the effort and changes you need to better your life is a big step!
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@alorrena: i have such a hard time with it. It seems anytime I make progress I get scared and then yeet my mindset back a decade or two.
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@alorrena: i have such a hard time with it. It seems anytime I make progress I get scared and then yeet my mindset back a decade or two.
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👽 Formerly Sailormoon 👽
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.