So just a short couple/few weeks ago I discovered my DID system. I have 10+ alters and basically know nothing about most of them, including their names and even genders. I've suspected i've had this disorder since at least 15 years ago but sorta just brushed it off and never explored it much. I never really knew where to start. Leading up to the night of the system discovery my anxiety was worsening tenfold, especially at night (turns out it was when my alters were communicating or trying to communicate in the background/subconsciously causing a lot of confusion, stress, and anxiety, especially because i hadn't discovered my system/DID at that point and only could feel the systems without knowing or noticing the reason(s). I'd be clenching my teeth all night for hours right up until i fell asleep. I had graphic sexual-themed nightmares involving certain close family which I fear are just actual repressed memories surfacing, and i'd never had memories or dreams of the like before. Also loosing time, from minutes to days to months. One moment i'll be going to bed or such, then net thing i experience is waking up and it's 5 days later and i remember none of those days in between. Most likely due to others fronting for an extended time. It's very bizarre and frightening.
Since discovering our system it's been terrifying but also somewhat of a stranger relief. It's explained so much of my "symptoms" and struggles in life, which is somewhat cathartic but also actually discovering i have an extreme disorder just as DID kinda scares me. I'm terrified about the prospect of eventually having to tell certain people close to me. Worried what they will think, if they'll see me differently or if they'll even believe me.
I've been trying to figure things out but it's hard without some sort of "witness" or mediator that's able to bring out certain alters and learn about them and relay it back to me. I also have no control over which alter(s) are fronting and when. Sometimes it happens constantly when i'm in certain social situations or with certain people. I've had anxiety attacks more often lately also seemingly unprovoked.
Another issue is that part of me seems to be "rebelling" this change, especially the uncontrollable loss of time i've experienced, by using substances (alcohol, dissociative pills, etc.) where i also lose time in a way but it's on my command and when *I* say I choose to lose time in these ways.
I have an app/web client for DID i've been trying to use when i can to chat between alters (though i rarely know who's saying what and such) and to try to get my alters catalogued and try to get names, genders, ages, etc. so i can figure out who9's who and what's what. Though i haven't gotten too far. I also believe some alters, like the "littles", asre too scared to come out much or communicate except under very specific circumstances where they feel safe enough to surface, though these situations are few and far between. I've also thought of looking into a sort of "hypnosis" therapy to calm me enough for them to come out and talk and have someone learn about them. Though his method would only work with someone i have extreme trust and comfort in doing it with. I also wish i had someone to try and interact with my alters to try and at least learn more about them as they seem rather unwilling to communicate directly with me.
Anyways kinda tired of writing about this, if i think of anything to add i'll do so.
Also i'm open to any questions/advice/etc. you may have.
Tysm for listening~
u.u
