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I need to vent, I'm feeling a bit sad and exhausted by this. I've only spoken to a couple people about this and I feel like getting it down somewhere will help with the healing process or whatever.
If you want to share your friend breakup experiences too then feel free to.
I decided today to spend less time with someone that I've known and been friends with for the past four years. We don't talk often anymore anyways since we've both moved onto new jobs and have grown into two different directions. Honestly, it was bound to happen and the friendship should have ended years ago.
I'm going to call this friend L. Some years ago we became slightly intimate, but it wasn't anything beyond the occasional smooching and cuddling. It was made very clear from the start that I wasn't interested in pursuing a romance with L. I communicated this multiple times. L was dating two other people, who also had their own second partner.
I met my now partner one night, we went on a couple dates, and around the same time both of L's partners broke up with them. L wanted to know if he, now partner, wanted to be exclusive. We had been going on dates for a bit and I really saw our relationship going somewhere. I asked and he wanted to be exclusive.
I knew L was going to be hurt but at the same time we were NOT a couple nor were we ever going to end up being a couple. I made it really clear and they told me that they understood. I know that people still develop feelings and all but felt confident that there wouldn't be issues.
After finding out that I was going to be exclusive with my now larger, L seemed to use me as their outlet and seemed to target me. L's reaction to their two partner's breaking up with them was entirely different. The were upset but never once took anything out on them. I think L knew that I was more passive and less likely to stand up for myself. I am guilty of doing this but have improved since then. L lashed out and placed the blame entirely on me, they even went as far to ask why they were always second place in relationships. Since their two partners had left them. I honestly didn't know what to say to that.
It made me spiral into this extreme anxiety and guilt. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was clear from the start. They wanted space and I respected that by not contacting them. They even implied that because I wouldn't make progress romantically with them that there was no point in a relationship. As they felt they forced our interactions and didn't want to feel like they have to put in so much effort us.
This event in our friendship was never properly addressed and instead quietly faded into the background. L continued to be very odd, and particularly extra affectionate, when I was with my partner. Then L would turn around and be randomly snappy with me. Once I brought them something, forgot to give it to them, called them so I could walk back over to hand it over and they gave me attitude. As if I was bothering them. I said nevermind, hung up and just went home. There were other issues too. They even refused to let me talk about my partner with them because they were bitter. This was also a reoccurring thing, even when I dated other folks they didn't want to hear about it. Maybe they liked me for a while and when I was single saw an opportunity that was then taken away when I didn't reciprocate feelings.
Despite this I still maintained communication with L and spent time with them. We even planned to be roommates with another friend and my partner. It didn't seem like a bad idea at the time, things between us had calmed down. This fell through when our friend could no longer move out due to finances. I then couldn't move out because the expenses would be too much without a fourth person. While L was amiable with our friend. L sent me a very condescending message telling me that if I intended not to move out that I should have told them earlier. I felt as if I was being entirely blamed for them not being able to move out. But knew my budget and knew I wouldn't be capable of supporting myself with only three of us. I didn't even respond to them. That's when I knew I never wanted to live with them.
L eventually moved out and got a new job. I got a new job and I'm aiming to move out next year. We haven't seen each other much since and honestly... I've felt better. I started reflecting on what happened and realizing that our relationship just wasn't healthy for a while. I use to smoke a lot, especially with them, of course I'm responsible for my habits but that's all we did. Smoke then sit around. When I went over and no longer smoked I felt ignored and weird. L didn't spend any time with me, they worked on whatever. If I suggested going out they weren't interested. I haven't smoked for 5 months and overall I've been a lot more positive, happy and calm.
I still don't have closure for all of the times L was weird with me and I don't think I ever will. I don't think I can ever approach them about what happened. I'm going to get over it eventually and forget about it, but it's just sad. I guess. I really appreciated them and adored them despite everything. I guess I have a bad habit of sticking around people who are toxic for me.
I'm going to call this friend L. Some years ago we became slightly intimate, but it wasn't anything beyond the occasional smooching and cuddling. It was made very clear from the start that I wasn't interested in pursuing a romance with L. I communicated this multiple times. L was dating two other people, who also had their own second partner.
I met my now partner one night, we went on a couple dates, and around the same time both of L's partners broke up with them. L wanted to know if he, now partner, wanted to be exclusive. We had been going on dates for a bit and I really saw our relationship going somewhere. I asked and he wanted to be exclusive.
I knew L was going to be hurt but at the same time we were NOT a couple nor were we ever going to end up being a couple. I made it really clear and they told me that they understood. I know that people still develop feelings and all but felt confident that there wouldn't be issues.
After finding out that I was going to be exclusive with my now larger, L seemed to use me as their outlet and seemed to target me. L's reaction to their two partner's breaking up with them was entirely different. The were upset but never once took anything out on them. I think L knew that I was more passive and less likely to stand up for myself. I am guilty of doing this but have improved since then. L lashed out and placed the blame entirely on me, they even went as far to ask why they were always second place in relationships. Since their two partners had left them. I honestly didn't know what to say to that.
It made me spiral into this extreme anxiety and guilt. I kept trying to reason with myself that I was clear from the start. They wanted space and I respected that by not contacting them. They even implied that because I wouldn't make progress romantically with them that there was no point in a relationship. As they felt they forced our interactions and didn't want to feel like they have to put in so much effort us.
This event in our friendship was never properly addressed and instead quietly faded into the background. L continued to be very odd, and particularly extra affectionate, when I was with my partner. Then L would turn around and be randomly snappy with me. Once I brought them something, forgot to give it to them, called them so I could walk back over to hand it over and they gave me attitude. As if I was bothering them. I said nevermind, hung up and just went home. There were other issues too. They even refused to let me talk about my partner with them because they were bitter. This was also a reoccurring thing, even when I dated other folks they didn't want to hear about it. Maybe they liked me for a while and when I was single saw an opportunity that was then taken away when I didn't reciprocate feelings.
Despite this I still maintained communication with L and spent time with them. We even planned to be roommates with another friend and my partner. It didn't seem like a bad idea at the time, things between us had calmed down. This fell through when our friend could no longer move out due to finances. I then couldn't move out because the expenses would be too much without a fourth person. While L was amiable with our friend. L sent me a very condescending message telling me that if I intended not to move out that I should have told them earlier. I felt as if I was being entirely blamed for them not being able to move out. But knew my budget and knew I wouldn't be capable of supporting myself with only three of us. I didn't even respond to them. That's when I knew I never wanted to live with them.
L eventually moved out and got a new job. I got a new job and I'm aiming to move out next year. We haven't seen each other much since and honestly... I've felt better. I started reflecting on what happened and realizing that our relationship just wasn't healthy for a while. I use to smoke a lot, especially with them, of course I'm responsible for my habits but that's all we did. Smoke then sit around. When I went over and no longer smoked I felt ignored and weird. L didn't spend any time with me, they worked on whatever. If I suggested going out they weren't interested. I haven't smoked for 5 months and overall I've been a lot more positive, happy and calm.
I still don't have closure for all of the times L was weird with me and I don't think I ever will. I don't think I can ever approach them about what happened. I'm going to get over it eventually and forget about it, but it's just sad. I guess. I really appreciated them and adored them despite everything. I guess I have a bad habit of sticking around people who are toxic for me.
