My son (yes, I do have a son) is a product of rape. I won't sugar coat it in anyway. Luckily for me I didn't deal with the depression or regret of having my son. A lot of it maybe do to the fact I didn't remember my rape and the other part of it was maternal instincts I already had within me. I did find myself looking into other alternatives in handling my pregnancy and fact is, I didn't handle it properly, not until the last few months. A lot of it had to do with my boyfriend at the time who was mentally abusive. It took a long time for me to even remember how I got pregnant, counting the weeks back I realized the time of conception added up to a day I don't remember. The only memory was me taking a shot and blacking out. I do remember saying no and wanting to go to bed. It dawned on me that he raped me.
From knowing the kind of person he is, I wouldn't say he did it because he is a violent person. Most of his mental abuse is do to the fact he manipulates situations, and at the time I didn't recognize it. He was maniac depressive, childish for his age and he showed signs of even being a pedophile at one point. All of which I didn't notice until years latter looking back at situations. The rape wasn't because I was young, we were the same age, but the reason I mention pedophile was that it had a lot to do to his behavior. I found child porn from the 1970s on his computer, but during those times downloading porn also brought unwanted files. I believed him considering location of files. I used his computer a lot for almost everything and he seem not to mind, so I thought it made sense. I deleted them and carried on.
To make a long story short, I finally left him for good when my son was born. He was gone by the time my son is 3 months and signed off his rights. For 8 years I haven't heard from him but I keep a wild eye out on his facebook. When I say karma comes back ten fold, it sadly does. Not only did he loose his adoptive mother through cancer (which I wouldn't wish on anyone but she sided with him and not her own grandson), but he lost his entire family, moved to Kentucky and found his biological family. In that process, he found himself homeless, sick and essentially losing everything. His car is gone, his life is gone and he is just one utter mess. I only fear that he may end up back here and causing issues.... That's my only fear. I live in New Jersey by the way.
After all that shit, having a love life with anyone was difficult. It wasn't hard to obtain a guy, it was hard forming a relationship. This generation of hook up culture is slowly tearing a way the fabric of being happy with someone. I am all for multiple different kinds of relationships, but people lie and that is the issue. They claim to want a relationship, only to really want netflix and chill. After close to a decade of dealing with the abuse of people's mentality, I finally found happiness with someone and we have a devoted relationship. It is brand new, so no he didn't meat my son yet nor my folks, but we made it clear to everyone we are together. Funny enough many of my guy friends got mad but their loose. If they wanted to remain friends, to bad.
Anyway the reason I write this is because I want to say no matter the trauma that comes into your life, happiness will come if you remain positive. Allow yourself to grieve, be depressed and also allow yourself to grow and achieve happiness on your own. This way happiness with come to you.
Stay Positive my friends!
