Hello everyone,
This is a little bit weird for me and I feel so conflicted about it all, but anyway here it is.
My husband was called up informally at work because a few waitresses where he works feel uncomfortable with him and the way he addresses them. He often greets people (gay, straight, man, women etc) with a 'hey gorgeous' or 'you alright love' and honestly I have never taken issue with it, knowing that personally it may as well be interchangeable with 'mate' or 'dude' or any other non-discript pronoun. This is the first Time (that I know of) that someone has taken offense. I think the reason I'm feeling so conflicted about it is because I can see how utterly upset this has made him and I'm on his side because I understand he has no ulterior motive, but on the other hand appreciate that no one should be made to feel uncomfortable in where they work etc. Another reason I feel that I am struggling is because none of these girls (from what I understand) have asked him to stop because his language is making them uncomfortable. To be fair I can understand why they wouldn't what with the amount of men that do become aggressive after being shut down like that.
I suppose I just feel so out or control and conflicted about this is because I understand both sides of the story. I know that, after nearly 15 years and marriage with 2 children, that he would never hurt a fly. And having realised that he's upset these people he feels awful. He just feels like a horrible person and doesn't know how to proceed. He just felt that he was being friendly.
But on the other understand how unwanted words of this kind can be received. I really don't know I could talk myself in circles with this.
Forums Serious Talk I'm so conflicted
The situation sounds complicated, and I don't know all the details, but I can maybe offer advice as to what I'd try in this scenario?
He didn't have any bad intentions, but sometimes even the best intentions can be misunderstood by others; I think that's something that happens to a lot people. It's very normal communication is hard haha
And I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - it's better that he knows rather than have the waitresses always feel uncomfortable without him ever realizing.
If he feels truly awful because of how this has turned out, I think the best thing for you to do is assure him that it's due to a misunderstanding and not because he's a bad person. It seems you have a lot of faith in his good character, and I think it's important that he knows that.
As for how to proceed at work... I think I'd feel very guilty in this situation too, but something that would make me feel better about it would be to make a point to correct myself. I know he doesn't mean any harm, but because other people feel uncomfortable, I think it's best to just not use those words anymore. It can be hard to get out of the habit, but I think if he makes the effort to try that people will understand if he slips up sometimes in the process.
I'm assuming that he doesn't know which waitresses have an issue with it (they were anonymous?), so it'd be difficult to apologize directly for his actions. Still, I think that if he tells people at work that he doesn't mean any harm and is willing to change, it would honestly be hard not to forgive him. His heart is in the right place. It's hard to know what makes someone uncomfortable unless that person mentions it, so it's also nice to let people know that "hey, if I say something that makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll fix it!"
I hope this helps!
280/500
He didn't have any bad intentions, but sometimes even the best intentions can be misunderstood by others; I think that's something that happens to a lot people. It's very normal communication is hard haha
And I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - it's better that he knows rather than have the waitresses always feel uncomfortable without him ever realizing.
If he feels truly awful because of how this has turned out, I think the best thing for you to do is assure him that it's due to a misunderstanding and not because he's a bad person. It seems you have a lot of faith in his good character, and I think it's important that he knows that.
As for how to proceed at work... I think I'd feel very guilty in this situation too, but something that would make me feel better about it would be to make a point to correct myself. I know he doesn't mean any harm, but because other people feel uncomfortable, I think it's best to just not use those words anymore. It can be hard to get out of the habit, but I think if he makes the effort to try that people will understand if he slips up sometimes in the process.
I'm assuming that he doesn't know which waitresses have an issue with it (they were anonymous?), so it'd be difficult to apologize directly for his actions. Still, I think that if he tells people at work that he doesn't mean any harm and is willing to change, it would honestly be hard not to forgive him. His heart is in the right place. It's hard to know what makes someone uncomfortable unless that person mentions it, so it's also nice to let people know that "hey, if I say something that makes you uncomfortable, just let me know and I'll fix it!"
I hope this helps!
280/500
Millet, spilling the tea: I think the biggest obstacle here, is breaking an old habbit. Reframing language that he has used without issue for yearssss means he is gonna feel really stuttery around his language. Something he never had to think about now a noted forefront of his professionalism. With that I feel for him.
I wonder if some of those made uncomfortable felt bad FOR YOU, thinking he wasnt being loyal to his wife er something.
Im happy you see both sides, endearment names wouldnt personally bother me unless they crossed into grosser territory like sexy/busty/mamalicious but everyone is different and said parties genuinely too nerve rackingly shy or concerned to address it themselves to him.
I think his reputation will be ok if he tries to unwire this habit and i know that may be annoying for him, and difficult to switch the mindset over to, but he'll be a better person for it in the work place. Im so sorry he feels on edge but ya. As a lady you know some of the bs women as a whole go through making it easy to misconstrue these things. I try for myself to be direct and speak up if something bothers me or I want clarification. But the matter of fact is in a work environment which ever position is more 'professional' is the one that should be ruled on, he should try to see it that way I guess. See the nicknames less as a complaint of sexual harassment and more of a complaint to not be too casual on the clock. If that helps at all lol
I'm actually so glad that you both get what I'm saying, I was some what expecting a bit of backlash, cause it looks awful on paper. But yeah I think his current plan is to just kind of distance himself and try not to directly talk to them unless it's work related.
I think some of the problem is that he tends to try and mother people a bit and he's 27 and a lot of these waitresses are 16-18 which makes it seem ten times worse.
I think he's feeling a bit better about it but it's still stuck in his head if that makes sense.
I think some of the problem is that he tends to try and mother people a bit and he's 27 and a lot of these waitresses are 16-18 which makes it seem ten times worse.
I think he's feeling a bit better about it but it's still stuck in his head if that makes sense.
Millet, spilling the tea: Its only natural that its still on his mind but oof yikes that theyre that young. I can see it being so awkard.
I would feel uncomfortable with that and ask a manager or someone to talk to him about it if I were in the situation, even if he was otherwise a great person to work with. You never know how people are gonna react when confronted about something, no matter how nice they seem, especially if I was that young but even at the age I am now. If it were me, how he reacted moving forward would form a stronger impression of him in the aftermath. If he discontinued his actions, apologized, and moved on without drawing further attention to the situation or playing the victim (not that he's doing that, just saying what isn't acceptable) then I'd move on too but probably still be a little wary of him moving forward.
It's normal to feel shitty after being called out for something like that if you really didn't mean anything, but he really was in the wrong speaking in such a familiar tone to minors in the workplace, no matter his intentions. All that he can do is move forward and do better. That will say the most about his personality and if he means it I think people will see that.
It's normal to feel shitty after being called out for something like that if you really didn't mean anything, but he really was in the wrong speaking in such a familiar tone to minors in the workplace, no matter his intentions. All that he can do is move forward and do better. That will say the most about his personality and if he means it I think people will see that.
please @ me if you want a response
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Yeeahh that's definitely a very sensitive situation.
I hope it works out for your husband though. The fact that he's still bothered by it means that he understands the gravity of it, and that's one step in the right direction already.
300/500
I hope it works out for your husband though. The fact that he's still bothered by it means that he understands the gravity of it, and that's one step in the right direction already.
300/500
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.