Our party was dirt broke after messing up varying checks and getting robbed.
Desperate, we thought our DM was being a nice guy when a hooded man appeared to us in town offering to split a donation. He said he just won the local lottery and felt generous. (Too good to be true but we failed deception check so wheeeeee money). He handed us a leather bag and a note, and told us to just turn both in to the clerk at the bank and we would split the money outside.

Sure enough, we went in. Gave the note bag and a smile and told the clerk we had fortune smiling on us. She loaded the bag with lots o’ gold and we left perky. Gave the hooded halfing half and were gracious. He bowed out and booked it. And while we dilly dallied in town trying to spend our money- the guards came and arrested us.

Turns out the note was a threat that we’d behead them and burn the place down if she didn’t load the bag with gold. Ha.

So not only were we broke, now our good aligned idiots were criminals with fines and unpleasant jail time- jerked around by the same guy that robbed us and the only reason we made it okay is the guards accepted my bluff check (which was the truth, I wasn’t actually bluffing. Thank god for charisma.)

I had an awesome artifact I snagged after the party slayed a Gold dragon.
“Staff of Command” my identifying roll was “meh” so I was told what it does but not how to use it. It can control people in a certain radius for about 3 minutes. (which sounds short but in D&D rounds that’s a long time)

Well, our stupid narcissistic bard wanting to be praised sang and announced joyfully that we slayed the dragon that was near town and oh look. Guess this town worshipped the dragon. So an angry mob was very quickly coming at us when the rogues bluff check failed to deny it. Sounds like a good opportunity for staff of command huh?

I didn’t know how to fucking use it.

So while being mauled by the crowd and my teammates shouting at me “USE THE STAFF! THE STAFF PEREGRIN! THE STUPID STAFF!” I’m like

“STAFF OF COMMAND I COMMAND YOU TO WORK”

(failed percentages check to see if I got lucky and figured it out. Heh)

Thrown in jail, their warmage leader took the staff became a crazy dictator in the dragons place.
became a long drawn out side quest to get the staff back and bring back balance and make up for killing their “deity” (the dragon was genuinely a dick so IDK what their problem was.)

Eventually won.

Got the staff back.

Failed the check again.
(which was bogus because we saw him use it so my character should have picked up on by watching him but nooooo DM gotta be pickyyyyy)

Sold that shit.

Were told of a guarded treasure- an ancient wizard hides in a cave.
Seems legit.

There is piles of bodies throughout the cave, people trying to find this legendary treasure. I was able with my “rogueness” to deactivate all the traps and such, our party split up to search for it. Tagging along with me our human fighter.

At this time in the game, our characters were not close knit yet. We bickered al ot. All of us are evil aligned.

Me and the Fighter come across the treasure.
He, being rude was like “Well are you going to do your friggin job or not?” and she shoves me forward to go check for traps and such.

Momo don’t take shit so swiped her tail from the ground to kick dirt up in his eyes and had a small tantrum refusing to check the chest unless he apologized.

We spent a couple rounds bickering back and forth until he finally apologized (shittily but hey at level 21 we are lovers now so whatev’s)

As momo crouched to check a whisper in the wind came and only she could hear it:

”Mistreat you too huh? Watching that was upsetting. I’ll give you some information. That chest as you can see is trapped. You cannot deactivate that trap though. It’s set from the inside. Notice all the blaken char on the walls? (momo notices) This chest blows up every time someone opens it. The jewels inside are resistant. The wizard who owns this chest gets alerted the minute he blows and shows up within four minutes to rob the person who tried to steal (if anything such as gold remained) and adds it to the rigged chest he reconstructs.”

Momo- is a impulsive liar. She doesn’t stop lying until she likes and feels comfortable with someone. So I rolled percentiles if I roll 51 or higher, I tell the truth.

If I roll 50 or lower I lie. And the lower I roll the bigger the lie.


I rolled a 12. RIP

My teammate IRL did not see what I rolled I always keep that masked.
I even try to do it quickly so they don’t know when I roll- and I just wink at the DM to let him peek at my corner and see what I rolled.


“The chest is trapped and rogue proof. Only a figher can open it, but he has to do it standing on one leg.”

“Why??”

“Beeeeecasue this chest is meant for the Wizards long lost brother…who only has one leg and is a fighter and it will only open under those preequistes. “

The funny part is IRL the actual player didn’t suspect anything at all. He bought it.
He and his character in harmony of my lie. Lmao

So he hops over to open it up.

BOOM.

KO’d

I ready my weapon though because obviously that voice came from somewhere.

A tiefling came down from a crawlspace in the ceiling holding his hands up.

He was like “Hey, just a fellow tiefling struggling in this stupid rascist world.
I’ll split it with ya but you better have a way to escape before the wizard comes. He’s like ten levels higher than the both of us.”

I did a deception check, he was telling the truth.

An evil character may have tried to duke it out but Momo is intelligent, she knows if he’s telling the truth that wizard will be here soon and reck us- and that means prize for anyone then.

We split it perfectly down the middle. He teleports out.

my party shows up to the boom I use the teleport scroll on all of us.

And they all bought my bluff. I convinced the figher that he wasn’t hopping accurately enough. /dead

IRL the DM was like “lol so here is what actually happened”
(because the whisper in the wind was written on a piece of paper to me so no one else could read it xD)

and when they asked how I could afford such badass mithrill armor with a 12 to hide checks I told them I convinced the shop keeper it was a fake.

Got away with it. ~