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@Taffy: I forgot to mention this but there have been other times where they didn't respect my needs.
I was going through a bout for a few months one winter and was frequently leaving events early. And whenever I would express my need to leave, they would become visibly annoyed with me. And we even had a rly bad argument about it where they said they need to see their friends. So my needs could not be met.
They're extremely extroverted btw. Way more social than me. I'm rly introverted and I do enjoy socializing but I cant do it for very long.
Another thing is that they get intense about spending money and when we go out and I want to shop around they start getting immediately agitated and want to leave. They hate going to malls etc. And i have pressured to move fast and leave, making what is supposed to be a little trip very stressful and not enjoyable.
Typing this out made me realize that I am expected to respect when they need to leave/do something for their health but I'm left on the side if the roles are reversed.
I was going through a bout for a few months one winter and was frequently leaving events early. And whenever I would express my need to leave, they would become visibly annoyed with me. And we even had a rly bad argument about it where they said they need to see their friends. So my needs could not be met.
They're extremely extroverted btw. Way more social than me. I'm rly introverted and I do enjoy socializing but I cant do it for very long.
Another thing is that they get intense about spending money and when we go out and I want to shop around they start getting immediately agitated and want to leave. They hate going to malls etc. And i have pressured to move fast and leave, making what is supposed to be a little trip very stressful and not enjoyable.
Typing this out made me realize that I am expected to respect when they need to leave/do something for their health but I'm left on the side if the roles are reversed.
@Taffy: no I'm not but my doc said a consistent therapist would help maybe. I'm going to make an appointment soon with my doc to discuss antidepressants again as I think they may help.
I just need to save so I can go private for the therapist so I have a consistent person and I'm not being bounced back and forth between different people... I firmly think the inconsistency will not help haha.
Also I've dated mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive folks before. And they've all been manipulative. And I've been gaslighted before. I wish I could just *know* if I am rn or if I'm overthinking and being a total ass.
I just need to save so I can go private for the therapist so I have a consistent person and I'm not being bounced back and forth between different people... I firmly think the inconsistency will not help haha.
Also I've dated mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive folks before. And they've all been manipulative. And I've been gaslighted before. I wish I could just *know* if I am rn or if I'm overthinking and being a total ass.
I know I am triple posting and I'm rly sorry about this but I remember another thing.
One of the promises they made very early on in the relationship was that once they graduated they would make enough to support me if I wanted to move out with just them. They were willing to support me for a couple months just so I could rest, see my doc, etc. And be out of my toxic environment at my home. Now that hasn't happened. I don't live with them.
Another thing we discussed was getting married and they were *very* interested but nothing has progressed... no ring. Nothing. And the last time I spoke to them they were very iffy about committing.
Tbh I don't went to get married anymore or even live with them. I have been thinking about living on my own.
One of the promises they made very early on in the relationship was that once they graduated they would make enough to support me if I wanted to move out with just them. They were willing to support me for a couple months just so I could rest, see my doc, etc. And be out of my toxic environment at my home. Now that hasn't happened. I don't live with them.
Another thing we discussed was getting married and they were *very* interested but nothing has progressed... no ring. Nothing. And the last time I spoke to them they were very iffy about committing.
Tbh I don't went to get married anymore or even live with them. I have been thinking about living on my own.
forgot to mention that when we go shopping and money is being spent for that, it's my own money! I don't ask them for money or wtv. Thought I would clarify so it doesn't seem like I'm upset they won't use their money on me.
@Taffy: yeah it's weird.. I have defs tried to mold myself to receive less negative attention and stuff.
Also they constantly put me in a box. And call me negative. And tell me I exhaust them bc I'm suicidal (not gonna do it but I just dread being around lmao, ngl) and I have depression and anxiety. And how it puts a strain on our relationship.
Also. Their family is rly fucked up. They suffered mental, emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse from both of their parents. And they live with roommates but still frequently go back home and spend time with their rly controlling, manipulative, abusive parents.
Also they constantly put me in a box. And call me negative. And tell me I exhaust them bc I'm suicidal (not gonna do it but I just dread being around lmao, ngl) and I have depression and anxiety. And how it puts a strain on our relationship.
Also. Their family is rly fucked up. They suffered mental, emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse from both of their parents. And they live with roommates but still frequently go back home and spend time with their rly controlling, manipulative, abusive parents.
@Taffy: yeah... I just love them a lot. My parents aren't great, it's my dad mostly, and I just need to get out so I can stop being his outlet and dealing with his constant verbal, mental, emotional and psycological abuse haha. It's absolutely exhausting.
Also they are friends with everyone I'm friends with. So I will probs see them A LOT! they even live with two of my friends. But I think I'm more mature at my age rn and can handle being in the same space as them.
Also they did a few other things. Like in public at a grocery store they made a jab about my spending problem (I'm working on it and doing better) and it felt do embarassing even tho I didn't know anyone there. I called them out about it after and they apologized. And they've also been sighing, giving me looks, etc in front of friends which I have also called out recently. But haven't seen results yet bc I haven't been around them since calling them out for three two things.
Also they are friends with everyone I'm friends with. So I will probs see them A LOT! they even live with two of my friends. But I think I'm more mature at my age rn and can handle being in the same space as them.
Also they did a few other things. Like in public at a grocery store they made a jab about my spending problem (I'm working on it and doing better) and it felt do embarassing even tho I didn't know anyone there. I called them out about it after and they apologized. And they've also been sighing, giving me looks, etc in front of friends which I have also called out recently. But haven't seen results yet bc I haven't been around them since calling them out for three two things.
They've acknowledged that they're being mean and rude and demeaning too and have apologized for the jabs and comment regarding my pace, spending habits, etc. But y'know.....
They read as extremely bad people who will warp you ending the relationship due to what they have done as your fault. People can age, yet never grow up. They appear to be one of those people.
Millet, spilling the tea: Push n Pull, Inconsistent rules, build you up to tear you down, redirect everything to be your fault.
They need therapy to help them reframe their minds and learn healthy relationship dynamics.
If they don't, you should probably leave before you literally go crazy from being with them and need therapy for that.
I think you already know deep down how this is all gonna go. At some point.
@Little Crane: yeah.... like I wrote above anew thing they've told me during a intense convo about separating was that my mental illnesses puts a strain on the relationship.
I am also pressured occasionally to see my doc, try meds, seek a therapist, etc. They don't seem to respect that this is a whole process and I have to ease into it. I have a lot of internalized problematic shit about docs, hospitals, etc bc I've had bad experiences and also grew up in a household where I was constantly told how I felt was just a phase, etc so. I got shit to work on but I've come a long way over the past 3 yrs and it's like they now don't want to acknowledge that and celebrate the *positive* and just want to go back to how I'm not at the stage *they* want me to be.
Tbh my parents are so judgmental that I think I need to move out so I can go to therapy. Every time I have an appointment for wtv, my dad grills me super hard about what it is and my mom asks questions. I have no privacy here haha. Which is a reason why I've slowed down my progress. And again they (partner) are aware of my situation and everything...
I am also pressured occasionally to see my doc, try meds, seek a therapist, etc. They don't seem to respect that this is a whole process and I have to ease into it. I have a lot of internalized problematic shit about docs, hospitals, etc bc I've had bad experiences and also grew up in a household where I was constantly told how I felt was just a phase, etc so. I got shit to work on but I've come a long way over the past 3 yrs and it's like they now don't want to acknowledge that and celebrate the *positive* and just want to go back to how I'm not at the stage *they* want me to be.
Tbh my parents are so judgmental that I think I need to move out so I can go to therapy. Every time I have an appointment for wtv, my dad grills me super hard about what it is and my mom asks questions. I have no privacy here haha. Which is a reason why I've slowed down my progress. And again they (partner) are aware of my situation and everything...
@Millet: I've dealt with so many unhealthy relationships but I think the main difference is that they weren't actively feminists, activists (attending demos, walks, volunteering at fundraisers and otherwise contributing to marginalized communities and helping), graduated with a masters degree and making $$, etc. Like the unhealthy partners I've had before have lived at home or in shitty apartments, had very little money, weren't very driven, weren't educated and didn't have career jobs. I think I'm subconsciously associating certain lifestyles with abusive partners idk if that makes sense. Like bc my current one doesn't fit this list of what I've experienced, I'm overlooking red flags, etc.
Also as bad as this sounds I'm probs feeling more secure with them just bc they make more, graduated, etc and those things are seen as what makes someone a suitable partner and stable and stuff.
They defs flip flop and certain things that are ok for them aren't for me and I feel like our issues stem from my own issues and yeah.
Also as bad as this sounds I'm probs feeling more secure with them just bc they make more, graduated, etc and those things are seen as what makes someone a suitable partner and stable and stuff.
They defs flip flop and certain things that are ok for them aren't for me and I feel like our issues stem from my own issues and yeah.
@SirLionelNigelConrad: Oh yeah... for sure. I felt like pointing that out bc maybe someone else needs to hear it too and also typing it out made it feel realer to me. My experiences have always been with typically "bad people". But the reality is that anyone has the capacity to be abusive no matter their lifestyle. And perhaps I'm missing red flags, etc bc of my own personal experiences.
Also. I need to work on myself a bit and get better. I need to see my doc to talk about my mental health and to see what potential solutions we can try out. I just need to bring it up and it should go well, I have a rly good doc thankfully.
I also rly need to get out of my house bc it is SO toxic and this environment makes it impossible to properly heal and thrive. I am also closeted for the most part as my father is incredibly homophobic, transphobic and very aggressive. I have no privacy here and I am constantly harassed every day. The only time he ever speaks to me is to point out I've done something wrong/otherwise make me feel shitty or to demand I do chores bc he perceives me as femme and thinks I should just assume certain roles in the household. Outside of that I'm absolutely useless to him it seems. And this relationship defs have a massive negative affect on my well-being. Despite my best efforts to try to re-direct my focus and to be out as much as possible. I get so anxious when I have to return home. It's time to pack up and leave. I rly need to do it.
Also. I need to work on myself a bit and get better. I need to see my doc to talk about my mental health and to see what potential solutions we can try out. I just need to bring it up and it should go well, I have a rly good doc thankfully.
I also rly need to get out of my house bc it is SO toxic and this environment makes it impossible to properly heal and thrive. I am also closeted for the most part as my father is incredibly homophobic, transphobic and very aggressive. I have no privacy here and I am constantly harassed every day. The only time he ever speaks to me is to point out I've done something wrong/otherwise make me feel shitty or to demand I do chores bc he perceives me as femme and thinks I should just assume certain roles in the household. Outside of that I'm absolutely useless to him it seems. And this relationship defs have a massive negative affect on my well-being. Despite my best efforts to try to re-direct my focus and to be out as much as possible. I get so anxious when I have to return home. It's time to pack up and leave. I rly need to do it.
call me grem
they/them
they/them
Honestly...I would find other friends/people to spend time with. If someone gets mad at you for hanging out with them/doing what they do, and just demean you...why would you want to be around them? That sounds like you're just torturing yourself.
And, yeah, definitely get yourself out of your oppressive home environment, if you can afford to. You need a safe, comfortable space for yourself and to surround yourself with positive, kind people. Sometimes you just gotta cut the ties with the people who aren't good for you, blood or no blood.
And, yeah, definitely get yourself out of your oppressive home environment, if you can afford to. You need a safe, comfortable space for yourself and to surround yourself with positive, kind people. Sometimes you just gotta cut the ties with the people who aren't good for you, blood or no blood.
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.