Most days I'm not a big complainer. I try and take negatives and spin them into some positive happy thing so I can find a way to get over it. However that, in and of itself, is exhausting. I've had to jump over hurdles and through hoops to get into university. It should be a happy thing, and I am happy. But at the same time, other stuff is going on that makes me feel tired just thinking about all the things I genuinely want to do now.

For one, my health is literally ridiculous. Some days I'm good, other days i feel beaten and battered by pounds of bricks. While dealing with this my little sister flies off the handles all the time, and because my parents tend to always be downstairs [gaming] or asleep, or working, it typically falls on me to take the punches from the worst of her tantrums.

If she's in a bad mood, she'll be banging everything trying to find something to eat, pretty much slamming glasses, yelling, sighing, growling, stamping... You name it. And here i am, with my extensive research in teenage behavior [literally i googled immensely] not getting mad, taking deep breaths, trying to remain stoic asking if i can help her, trying to find ways to help all the while she's getting more angry, and starts turning on me and yelling and saying mean things. So at some point I snap and yell that she needs to stop and I'm just trying to help, then she goes and cries and I feel bad so i go apologize and take her to go get some food from subway with what tiny little bit of money i got to try and pay down the negative balance in my bank account.

Meanwhile handling my mom's breakdowns, my own disassociation from myself because i'm also struggling with a culture and heritage i was alienated from as a kid, trying to rehome a foster bunny that [before my dog's wondering self got onto my desk and into my medications] i could afford to look after, but now I'm struggling to even find the enrgy to handle. I'm trying to get paperwork done for university, while also trying to continue to be present for medical appointments, pet sitting for my grandparents who are taking a vacation during crunch week for uni and i'm travelling in and out of town all day battling allergies to those animals, while running on little sleep because my insomnia is kicking me so hard in the freaking head that splitting migraines are also hitting me in full force and even once my meds for that kick in [and yes i have prescription meds for those as well because they literally leave me curled up in bed] i feel nauseous and don't want to eat.

Then my "best friend" who got mad at me for letting her dad know her husband was abusing her [they have a baby and i was worried cause she said he started throwing things around the baby] is now guilting me for pulling back and not saying much after she gave me the speech of 'this is mine so don't say anything.' and saying she's depressed and tired.

I'm also new to where I live so I have no friends, and no one to talk to and I'm so tired, my head hurts, I feel sick and I'm at my wit's end. I feel so isolated and like crap that I literally don't even let my support dog on my bed right now cause having him sit on my chest while i have panic attacks makes me feel nauseous and even more like crap.

And god forbid i say anything to my mom about being stressed. Because she's the one working to pay for most of my stuff for school who also has been battling a sinus infection and her thyroid problems.

I went to a councilling appointment recently and was literally told, aside from diagnosed physical issues, most of my health problems are because I'm trying so hard to be positive and happy that I'm internalizing everything. To the point where my typical outlets, artwork and writing, are actually impacted so badly that i struggle to do them. And despite forcing myself to try and take these things back, like she said to, I just feel nothing. Just tired. And normally I wouldn't even post anything like this on these sites but I'm so the point where i don't care. I don't care if people on here think I'm whiny, or a downer or whatever But I have nowhere else to go to say something. My "best friend" is slowly proving to be the peson who's only here when she needs something from me and I have literally nothing more I can give anyone.

Like I honestly used to love leaving my house and now, I want to literally curl up and die in my bed. And tell everyone to fuck off because I am exhausted. And There is not a damn thing I can do about it anymore.