Already a Voltie? Sign in!

Escape to Voltra!

Join for free

Forums Serious Talk insecurities

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 09:54:33 )

*edit: You guys are awesome <33 thanks for helping me through this little episode!


I started chatting with this guy recently on a personal level. I think hes started to like me by what he says, and for a while seemed like we connected pretty well. But we'd always naturally get onto these deep conversations about life and junk.

But we got on a voice call tonight and he started to bluntly ask me if I'm okay, as if something's wrong. Kind of took me off guard.
He said that I've been saying all these negative things, the stories we get on about and stuff. Like I start reflecting and I thought the conversations were mutual, I never felt like I was sounding serious. I felt unconfortable with this question, and I can't figure out if its because he's right, or if I should get away from this person because he's going to make me think hes right. Like just because things happen in our past doesn't mean we're not currently okay? I don't tell stories of my experiences with the desire for sympathy or pity.. most of the time I felt I was answering questions.

He talked about how he studied psychology too. We were talking about other things for a while but we got into adhd and light conversation. Then I mentioned in a tangent that my family thinks I have mild asperger's, but no one else sees that in me. He said he sees it, and explained to me in what ways.
And once again, I can't tell if I'm uncomfortable because he might be right and I gotta reevaluate my life and behaviors or because he might be presumptuous.

Either way, my anxiety has flaired up so much and I'm overthinking and feeling so insecure. At this point in the call, I kept trying to return to light hearted conversations and talking about silly things. But he would stop responding, I thought he disconnected. Figured he was tired, it's late, but it ended so rapidly it made me wonder if I said something wrong.
Maybe it was a bad idea to think about making a new connection like this. Like am I too broken and depressing and I really can't help it, I should give up dealing with other people cause I can't be normal like them

Maybe I'm just tired. I needed to vent though, I get so so insecure about my personality.

Report

Donator — Whatever Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 09:59:19 )
Are ya ready, guyz?!

Mmn
The "let's stay on the topic despite your obviously wanting to change it" is a red flag, imo

Put ya guns awn!
Report

questShop

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 10:03:42 )


@kitalpha hart:
im not sure how obvious i was being. the more time passes and i calm a bit, i wonder if he was reflecting himself onto me?
he started psychoanalyzing me briefly, talking about how i seem to struggle with hearing someone's context. which is something i already wonder about myself, so it's hard to say no. but also... dont.. say these things

Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 10:06:26 )


I felt his intentions were to be enlightening, based on the context and tone of his voice. But then I start to second guess myself, do I actually KNOW the context?
I always struggle to connect with people and context is often lost, I often have misunderstandings, or people don't get what I say or vice versa
This dude singlehandedly tossed me into the biggest existential crisis tonight

Report

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 12:17:40 )
Regardless of if he's 'right' or not, if you're having interactions with someone that are making you uncomfortable, I think you should give yourself some room to breathe.
Slow down, take a break from this person. If he's meant to be in your life, he won't mind taking it slowly if you're feeling uncomfortable.
If he's being manipulative, then he's obviously no good for you.
Maybe he has good intentions, but if he's forcing you into confronting things you're not comfortable with or not ready to look at, then that isnt healthy either.

Remember this person isn't your therapist/psychiatrist/doctor. No matter what he knows or has studied your conversations aren't in a clinical setting.
Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 17:51:47 )


@koneko:
Thank you. I'm much less concerned with whether to keep this person in my life or not, I don't have any grand attachment to him. He just opened a can of worms that will now take me a stupid amount of time to shut again.

It dug up an old depressive subject that really sent me into a horrible place a couple of years ago. Just a feeling of being broken, an affirmation that I cannot function like a normal person. I'm too negative of a person because I'm too jaded. Had so many emotional trauma cause I'm too mental to have normal experiences and associations. Too broken and too pitiful and "need help" (but I can't afford it, so its mildly annoying when people push therapy on me as if I've never thought about it before) and the only people who ever get close to me want to take advantage of me or control me like a pet in some way, cause they can see whatever is "wrong" with me.
I shoved all these self-damaging thoughts into oblivion before but now they're back and I know they're all wrong but its so hard to get rid of this feeling.

Report

Voltie — he/they Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:03:38 )
⇜┈┈┈┈┈┈ ∘ ꕥ ∘ ┈┈┈┈┈┈⇝

that guy sounds like he's crossing hella boundaries, its not ok at all how he's treating you
even if he says something that maybe makes you think it doesn't mean its ok for him to say anything, he just met you and thats a Big red flag imo

⇜┈┈┈┈┈┈ ∘ ꕥ ∘ ┈┈┈┈┈┈⇝

Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:06:45 )


@vessel:
Thanks for that input. Honestly, it really is a bad habit of mine normally to be too forgiving of people, like "they meant well" or whatever.
But uh, this wont be someone I continue to associate with for sure. No one has a right to send me into a spiral like this.

Report

Voltie — he/they Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:10:54 )
⇜┈┈┈┈┈┈ ∘ ꕥ ∘ ┈┈┈┈┈┈⇝

@Jolly: also, i struggle with similar things; it doesnt make us broken or too much
its okay to be traumatized and its ok to be wired differently than other people. ive been treated like a pet too just cause i'm autistic & disabled by a lot of people nd its horribly infantilizing and really fucked with my sense of self

therapy isn't accessible to everyone, people who push that shit are generally classist as fuck. i hope u can find something that helps you though eventually! its hard going thru difficult brain times and having people press about them when ur not prepared for it def makes it worse

⇜┈┈┈┈┈┈ ∘ ꕥ ∘ ┈┈┈┈┈┈⇝

Report


┋ 𝐕𝐄𝐒𝐒 ┋ 𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐲-𝐬𝐢𝐱 ┋ 𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞 ┋

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:15:38 )
@jolly: oof. Thanks for explaining more. I misunderstood, it would be a lot trickier if the relationship was more significant and that's what I was thinking about.

It's okay for something to hit a nerve like that. It doesnt make it any easier to deal with, but it does let you know you have more work to do and you can take as long as you need. I'll bet you're a little bit stronger after what you've already been through.
Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:49:26 )


@vessel:
I'm sorry you have to experience similar feelings!
my aspergers was suggested when I was a kid, but the doctor or whatever never officialized it in documentation. Part of her reasoning was exactly that I don't need people to start treating me a certain way because I might be on the spectrum, because it wasn't severe enough to prevent me from living a normal life or something like that (idek if it gets severe enough not to? I don't study this). I take it with a grain of salt and will never claim it has anything to do with me, what would I know lol I was also just a drugged up kid (medicines) so unsure if I could take the diagnosis seriously, can't even remember my state of mind then. So I never should've mentioned it at all, but the context was definitely not one that had any opening for analyzing me. lol

The pet treatment is the absolute worst feeling though. I've had an ex really weigh heavily on my mental state and they really treated me like I was just a nutter. It made me feel dehumanized and like I'll never be taken seriously, and I'm worthy of less, I should be protected and placed in a safe bubble.
Screw that lol

@koneko:
Oh yeah, I probably made it sound more significant initially because of my wording (and I ramble). I wrote this thread at like 3am in the midst of an emotional state hahah
But yeah no, he's someone that I thought about maybe letting closer, hence opening up to him in the first place. But my gut was saying something so I also kept a thick ass wall up lol that conversation kinda ruined it on its own anyways, that hit too big of a trigger.

People who have "studied psychology" here will always find a way to make me open up in a way I normally never do, not even to my former partners, and then use this information to conclude something about me as a person. This happens to people I know also, so not just me. If I had known he studied that, I probably never would have engaged with him in the first place.

Report

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 18:57:39 )
@jolly: I'm sorry that's happened to you. It's really never okay to make assumptions about people. They should probably keep their studies and their relationships separate. :c
Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:00:24 )


@koneko:
That's exactly what I study in my college. I don't go full psychology, since I'm studying massage therapy. But we get into ethics and how to have a healthy balance between relationships and our knowledge.
There's even a name for it, can't think atm, but its as you said. Keep it separate. In my case, its "dont massage your partners/family/close friends"

Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:04:36 )


I feel much better now you guys ;3;
This chat helped, and my best friend also just came online and ksdhgdks he knows me better than anyone (10+ years), so when he says I have nothing to worry about, it is a really helpful reassurance

Report

Donator — xe/they Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:09:15 )
⭒✰would you like an adventure now...


Hi, I am also autistic (well, officially on the “Asperger” side of the spectrum, but I don’t really like that word as a way to refer to my own disabled identity for reasons I won’t get into now.)

First of all, I’ll be blunt; this guy seems like bad news.
While I don’t think it’s an insult to say that you notice someone is autistic (since it’s not a negative thing to be(actually I get angrier when people try to “compliment” me with “oh, I could hardly tell”), he seems to be doing it more as a way to psychoanalyze you rather than help you (especially since he wouldn’t change the subject)

I see a pattern of this with people in that field that they study people more to tickle their own intellect rather than to understand people in order to help them, which makes me anxious. Empathy is an important part of the job, and... I don’t always see it.


It’s not a bad thing to open up, and not knowing when we over share is a common autistic trait, so I get really angry when I see people take advantage of that. (like this guy)

I hope it all works out okay! And also sorry if my response became a bit personal, it’s just something I see a lot, and it makes me uncomfortable every time, so I have quite an emotional reaction to it.

...or should we have tea first?✰⭒
Report

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:11:55 )
Glad you're feeling better ; u ;

I didnt know you were literally taught about keeping knowledge and relationships seperate when you study psychology, but that makes sense. And knowing that, those people are clearly over stepping boundaries * n *. That's so uncomfortable.
Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:42:53 )


@creativitea:
yesss, exactly lol but the way you put it is a lot more comforting to hear, especially since its within context and respect. And understanding that autism is NOT a negative, and shouldn't be brought up in the same breath of calling someone negative or concerning.
I never realized that oversharing was part of that, but I also never studied into autism. I always blame adhd on everything xD but, only jokingly. It helps people to understand my brain a little bit since adhd is becoming more understood these days.

I've been curious to learn more but also have no plans on getting re-tested cause... $$ haha

@koneko:
Yeah! It might be more laid on in an ethics class, kind of like mine, since that's all about how to treat people and respect boundaries. Mine are often more physical related and about professional touch also, since I would never be talking like a psychiatrist. Sharing my skill with a partner or something like that can create an opening for being taken advantage of, manipulated, or receive certain criticisms that would cut more deeply because its someone closer to you.

Report

Donator — They/Them Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:45:16 )
@jolly: that makes sense!
It's really interesting, I never thought about it before.
Report

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/1 19:48:43 )


@koneko:
It was a really fun class for me. A lot of it seemed like common sense stuff, how to have manners and be respectful, but it still set a really positive and comforting tone

Report


Donator — xe/they Posted 2 weeks ago ( 2020/08/2 12:02:14 )
⭒✰would you like an adventure now...


@Jolly: yeah that's understandable! even though i appreciate empathy from people who aren't autistic, sometimes i feel a bit more.... less alone about the experience when i can talk to other autistics about what I'm going through.
After I got my diagnosis, I stopped feeling "broken", because I knew why I was the way I was, and why I couldn't do what the others could.
(I do believe in selfdiagnosis when it comes to autism btw, just because getting the official diagnosis is so inaccessible)

I'm kind of on the opposite side of that, I probably also have both, but I know a whole lot more about autism. The traits can overlap a lot too though, it's sort of like a venn diagram

and here's a bit more about that.

(also ps; if you want a few resources to learn about autism, feel free to ask!
i have a little collection of ones that have helped me so i don't mind sharing. )

...or should we have tea first?✰⭒
Report
please ping me, i am ditzy!

avatarcloset

You must be logged in to post

Login now to reply
Don't have an account? Sign up for free!
Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.