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Forums Serious Talk One crazy year eh? I've had a few.

Voltie — Sha/female Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 12:54:42 )


2020 has been a year of insane controversy's and mother nature striking. I've been sitting in my quiet bubble of an apartment slowly getting more and more depressed And ready to die.
Oh yeah. That's the reason I put this in serious chat.
2020 happened just after I had a baby that almost killed me to give birth to her. I sunk into a post partum depression be or who knows a real one perhaps because I found out this had to be my last child.
I found out I couldn't donate blood or give eggs to those who can't make their own. I'm jobless. My friends outside the computer never talk to me. My husband was struggling with his own things and I didn't want to burden him further.
I've got a daughter with scd and adhd who was destroying everything. Quite literally. Cutting clothes apart. Breaking glass framed paintings. Cutting apart magazines . Stealing things from my medical supplies and my art supplies. Generally being to much for me to handle. Especially while done with life .
Started drinking heavily. Disassociating. Never being a bad mom because they're the reasons I'm still alive even if they were driving me insane. Just want to make that clear. All the hauntings of my past of being bullied started creeping back into my memory. Generally got to a really dark place..
There is so much I can say here but I'm trying to keep it relatively short. 2020 hits. I'm not watching media. I can't handle it. Im already hyperventilating trying to not shut down and just lose all hope.
Then I lose a friend for saying the wrong word that I didn't even know COULD be a wrong word. Normal conversation turns into some kind of attack to me because I'm not putting out the fire of the house on the news. I looked around And said yeah... But there are 50 houses on fire and I was talking about all of them. I didn't realize one was getting attention in the news. Sorry..... And I want to put them all out... It's not that I'm ignoring that one because other houses look nice and it would be a shame if they caught on fire. I didn't realize wanting to try to tackle all of the fires was a bad thing.

I'm socially awkward. This was just kind of the straw that broke me. Sick of people. Sick of being attacked for existing. Sick of being the one kicked and beaten thrown in a pit and spit on. And all the while trying to smile and be the most happy helpful person in the world brightening everyone's day.

I'm sorry to say I have been battling this depression now for many years and I've been in denial that I'm suicidal. I've been on the brink of losing hope and I didn't get the chance to just say hey I'm going on hiatus and taking a break. I just disappeared. For that I'm sorry to all my voltra friends.

With my parents help I've escaped the horrible situation I was living in with a slum Lord of a landlord. I didn't feel safe walking out of the apartment. I didn't know who would attack me next for existing. Things aren't better yet. But they are heading in the right direction. I at least feel safe going outside again.

I've got a really long road to recovery still but I wanted to let you all know that he I'm alive. Still here. Just... I find it hard to talk anymore. I've broken and lost my smile. I don't talk much to anyone anymore. Online or off. Loves to all still of course.<3


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Donator — Kushy Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 14:43:05 )
@shadami: my precious shadami never give up hope .. you are stronger than you think and that's why my dear u are still here and fighting it.. I went through similar thing while having my daughter I nearly died and so did she.. 2 years later and I still haven't got over it and more because I keep thinking what if something had of happened to her .. it would have been the hospitals fault.. I'm so sorry that 2020 as been a shit year for us all and all the shit things that have added to it with what ur already dealing with.. it really is a crazy time for you.. I think this is its peak and things can only get better from here .. I hope things get better for you and your family I really do.. if you ever need anyone to listen.. because I do believe that talking about it helps a little.. any time u need to talk ..rant.. vent I'm here for you.. you can talk to me any time 💕
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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 14:54:18 )


I'm currently curled up on the couch in a blanket. (omg I have a couch now t.t and a house) watching my toddler run around and smack things with her toy phone because she isn't allowed to bug her sisters doing their virtual schooling.

I appreciate everything you just said though. I'm still doing a almost zero concentration thing. But yeah I had preeclampsia and the doctors kept testing and kept testing and everything kept coming up clean and when they finally pulled out my blue not breathing daughter after pushing the c section back a week they realized I was right as my body gave up. When she started breathing and I was able to feed her. My body just went I did it. I fought this long. I'm done. Dropped to 20 beats per minutes and almost flatlined. Wasn't breathing much and just in complete shock.

Now I'm sitting here a year later and she's so active and running around and healthy. And way way way to strong xD definitely a rambunctious scamp


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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 14:59:13 )


I kept repeating for the last half of the pregnancy "something is wrong. Something isn't right. There is something wrong with my body. I feel like I'm going to die. Or I'm going to lose my baby " they kept telling me it was pregnancy blues because all tests were fine. They almost lost both of us. Its not a great feeling being told you're an idiot because you're not professional with loads of money. Or a huge degree so you can't possibly know yourself.


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Donator — Kushy Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 15:24:30 )
@shadami: you feel so better when you have your own house .. you can come and go as u please and people won't get annoyed when u skip the house work for a day haha I have 2 2 year olds at home that are crazy only 1 of them is mine the other one is my niece all they do is fight over toys lol..
That is scary shadami pre-eclampsia is vicious they thought I had it too they kept checking me even after I had the baby my legs and ankles were huge..
I'm so glad that you fought hard and u and ur baby made it.. but I'm sure like me you didn't get over it.. you won't get over it it will get easier with time though .. sapphire will be my first and only baby I'm too scared to have any more now lol because of the hospitals negligence I nearly lost my life and hers .. the one place u should feel safe and I wasn't safe ..
This is true shadami but we know our bodies so well we know when somethings not right and sometimes we know more than the professionals.. few times I've had to tell my doctor what I thinks wrong with me before they'll look into it..
Because of their negligence I ended up with severe cellulitis that spread from my c-section up into my stomach and then I had to get a second surgery to remove infection and I ended up with a 22cm wound they also dropped my baby in her car seat ..that I will never forgive them for..
I'm just glad ur both ok.. that would put u off having any more kids wouldn't it ? I was told at 25 I couldn't have kids so to have 1 is enough for me I'm too scared to go through all that again lol.. don't ever hesitate to message me if ur having a bad day 💕
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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 15:31:37 )


I physically can't have another now. My tubes were taken during the surgery (with permission) . I've had three c sections and we can't risk a fourth pregnancy. And I'm glad we made the decision because of how bad this one was.

Gosh it's so hard to trust hospitals with all these bad experiences everyone has.
I'm watching gamers dorkness rising to pull myself out of my funk. Doing laundry. And getting the bedroom set up while the kids are in class

I'm gonna let dnd make me happy. XD not that I get to play but gonna try.


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Donator — Kushy Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 16:12:58 )
@shadami: wow 3 c-sections I was scared having my first c-section never mind 3 .. you have a good size family now I'm sure they give u plenty to do already lol
Yeah I don't think I'd be able to trust a hospital again especially the one that I was in .. I was there for a month and a week it felt like a life time jail sentence lol
I've never heard of gamers dorkness rising is it good?..
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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 5 days ago ( 2020/10/16 16:39:24 )


It is amazing. So nerdy. Makes me so happy. The references everywhere. And it's a dnd game showing players at the table and then them "larping" as their characters but being "the actual characters" and it's just so much fun.


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Voltie — Moody Posted 4 days ago ( 2020/10/16 20:46:02 )
『 Moody Says. . .』

▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅▅

I am so sorry you're going through so much.
I hope things get less bad and more good for you.

sending you good vibes.

I can't help much, as i am not a parent or anything.
but i do hope things get better for you soon.

I have depression and recently learned adhd may be a HIGH chance of me having that.
Depression can be so hard to get out of. even for a short time. sometimes it just forces it's way back.
i've dealt with it a lot recently as stuff going on in my family isn't great.
so i hope you're able to get any help that you need. try not to feel bad about not paying attention to the media.
IT'S FREAKING CRAZY AND DEPRESSING.
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I go on hiatus a lot.

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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 3 days ago ( 2020/10/18 06:06:12 )


Thanks Moody. I feel bad that I've been shutting myself away from the world. I'm sure it doesn't help me at all. Cutting myself off from people that can make me happy I mean.

I'm trying to get the smile on. I haven't even been able to bring myself to draw, read, or game much lately. I just stare blankly. I need to get myself motivated again.


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Donator — She/Her Posted 3 days ago ( 2020/10/18 16:59:00 )



@Shadami: Love you Shad <3 I’m sorry you’re going thru so much right now and I genuinely wish the best for you. You’re an amazing person <3
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Donator — She/Her Posted 3 days ago ( 2020/10/18 17:06:42 )
Well this is probably my first time meeting you, but I'm so, so glad that you're still here. <333

I don't know if what I say will help, but here goes. I didn't know post-partum depression was a thing until after I had my son (via c-section) and was having visitors at the hospital to meet him. Everyone was all smiles, including me, but deep down I felt this horrible depression that I've never experienced before. It just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I wish I'd known it was a thing before then. I wouldn't wish it on anyone, and I'm so sorry you went through that/are still going through that.

As for depression in general, it's something I struggle with as well. I wouldn't say I'm suicidal, but I've had those thoughts occasionally throughout the years. But I'm so glad that you have someone to live for, and I hope they continue to keep you here. <333

I'm also glad that your living situation has improved. Safety can't be compromised, so I hope things continue to go in the right direction for you. Lately I've been stressed to the max because of work, but I just keep reminding myself to keep going, one "are you fucking kidding me?" at a time (excuse the language, if that's offensive to you).

I'm not online as much as I'd like to be, but if you ever need to vent, you can always drop me a PM. :)
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Voltie — Sha/female Posted 2 days ago ( 2020/10/18 22:12:53 )


Thanks both of you. I'm really glad for voltra even though I've been keeping to myself. Everyone here is always so understanding. It is nice to feel among friends everytime I'm online.


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Goal: hit 15k posts
Please do ping me. I'm going through life struggles. Seeing pings makes me smile and helps me make sure not to miss replies.

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