*update
things have been resolved, I couldn't be more relieved.
It seemed like something happened twice but after enough communication, I understand that he didn't get better after the first episode and he was trying to bottle it and force himself to act normal. But now we've cleared some of his fears and acknowledged any that might remain or resurface in the future, when life gets complicated. I'm happy that I could see all that weight drop off of him and his confidence coming back. Holiday season and seasonal depression is just too much for him right now, so after christmas he'll probably feel more relaxed again. ;v;
the emotionally-written original post content:
Ive been with this partner for 4 months.
everything has been great, we both have been so openly happy and transparent.
The first problem we had was that I wasnt allowed to see him on christmas cause he had to go see his family. I cant go with because of reasons that we both agree on. So I asked if I could at least have him for eve for a few hours at my parents. His mom got upset about this cause of covid and all that extra people mingling, they just had recent scares with their family having surgeries and complications.
So when he went to tell me that won't work out, he suddenly got really closed off to me and really cold. never saw this side of him. He said he wasn't ready for commitment and said all this stuff, and it hurt so much I almost left but I stopped because this was so out of nowhere, I just couldn't understand.
I talked to him longer, begging for understanding, and suddenly he started crying and clung to me saying hes sorry. He has a habit of pushing people away because of his insecurities and he explained that it is from a traumatizing upbringing, and having to close off when others get emotional.
He claimed that nothing he said was right, except the part of him feeling insecure, but that he knows he's ready for commitment and that he doesn't want to lose me, promised not to do this again and thanked me for staying. He made me promise not to leave if his mind does slip again because he needs the help while he's working on his insecurities. It was really emotional and hard on us both and hes been trying to heal from it as I have.
It's been a couple of days and we've been getting back to normal. But this morning I started to cry a bit and I told him I was scared. I expressed that I just need reassurance while I heal, because I'm still scared of being gaslighted again. He knows that's happened to me before already.
He started to hesitate and then started trying to break up with me again. Saying hes not ready for commitment. This time he wasn't cold and closed off so it feels way more real, and it hurts so badly when we've been in such a healthy place all this time and then suddenly I can barely keep him.
I don't know what to do, I very much do not want to lose him. My whole life has crumbled this year and this is the last good thing I have. I can't handle this
