I've made several attempts to share my issues here but I bailed every single time. To be open to anyone is not easy and I always felt on guard and secretive when I meet people online or in real life. But now I think is getting to the point that is hard to just smile and act I'm all right when I'm not. I've been having crappy sleep and my insomnia wasn't that very bad until very recently and last night was one of the worst and I cried myself to sleep.
My family is a bit fucked up, we're in much better terms now but it used to be really bad back then. My mom hoards and to top it all off she has some issues of her own one that she can have quite a temper which made it hard to live with her at one point. She raged because we were evicted once in our old apartment because of her problem and it was hard to see her break down afterwards and blame herself for it after, even when we manage somehow move to another place in a short amount of time. She gradually changed after that and she will easily get furious at almost everything including the rest of us and to be honest is been a long time I lived in a home that there's no clutter everywhere. I was in return extremely hurt of some of the things she would say when she's angry one that hurts the most when she wished she never had me. And that hurt turn into anger and that was a fucking nasty phase that I don't want to relive in. Because I pretty much really fucking hated her that I blamed her for everything.
I want to see the good in her and she really is but I just see flaws, she screwed us up financially, she was so judgmental spoke ill behinds people back including to us and feed into drama like it's nothing and she just can't take no for an answer. I was forced on a lot of "favors" of her that I never felt comfortable with because I also have fucking issues but I had to follow it because I know what she's gonna say when I don't. Honestly It feels like I can go on but I don't want to. It just got so bad that I become doormat and I just dish out whatever insults comes in my way because I'm a lowly scum of the society that didn't have a job and didn't go to college and is wasting my life browsing on the internet all day. but I realized that she was over demanding of things at the time and I had no choice but to comply because she was my mother. I think Dad helped me pull out of that one and I shouldn't tolerate that which got me into self-love journey and learning to say damn no to her which was difficult and set boundaries which is important.
Now I just want to move on but idk if I can forgive my mom even when she realized her own mistakes and tried to be better and ask for my forgiveness. I lost so much respect of her but at the same time I respect her enough because she's my mother and she was also going through something at the time. But once in a while I do get triggered about certain moments and one when someone tries to visit our home that has always been stressful which is happening now. And I'm already dealing with other things to top it all off too. Just a visit made me remember how it was back then and I just shut down yesterday and was on youtube all day just for the need to just go away for awhile. But I'm doing a bit better today.
I love my mom and still care for her and I realize I have extreme mommy issues. We're okay now and she's no firecracker anymore but is not easy to open up to her now but I don't really want to hold anymore resentment but it happens sometimes. But mostly I feel burnout especially when I'm with her and the lockdown is not making it better. idk that's enough rant I'm done
Tumbleweed
