I am depressed
i am anxious
i am stressed out
i feel emotionally abused and neglected
but most of all.....i want to find myself or at least be the person i have found myself to be so far.
Ever since Middle school i have not felt comfortably not just in my own skin but in my own body. Years of self loathing and poor self esteem just keep layering and layering to the point i become paranoid that everyone is going to betray me and make fun of me no matter how i dress, act,talk, look, like, or just am. so i stopped talking as much...i stopped smiling as much....i stopped trying to make friends...i stopped being. then in High school i discovered Poetry and it allowed me to 'Speak' it allowed me to express myself in ways that i still to this day feel that very few understand. After i graduated High School i IMMEDIATELY started my 3 firsts...my first job...my first relationship...and my first semester of College.................. the year is now 2011....i have lost my job, flunked my first semester, and my girlfriend after we mutually broke up broke my heart and we stopped being friends.... i was in such a dark,low place that i felt as if i would never escape....my mom actually remarked at one point that she and my younger brother werent sure i'd "be here" when then got home somedays. I was able to through(ironically) subjecting myself to dealing with the dead and the paranormal bring about some light back into my life...but it was temporary.... in September of 2014 i moved out of my parents house because of hurt, and lack of feeling appreciated into an environment were i was little more than free labor.....i usually one had one meal if i didnt steal food...had no job...no money....and no support network should i have desired to leave that environment.March 2015....was the month my life changed....again....my roomates...the ones that promised me no harm...that i would be well fed and safe....moved out, broke the lease(which i wasnt on) all over a dog....i was devastated...i was heart broken....i still feel as if i could never feel close to anybody the same again...
I was able to move downstairs with my roomates sister and mother, find a job and was making a fair bit of money. with the sole intention of saving until i could move out and away from such a toxic environment....unfortunately the best laid plans of mice and men.... On june 5th approximately 3 hours after calling my sister to wish her a happy birthday....my stress, poor diet,lack of sleep, and overall mental health culminated into one single event....i started to have abdominal pains...which lead me to having to go to the ER and not being able to Call in sick to work.... Alone with no one to help me process any information i was informed that i have type 2 diabetes and suffered a diabetic shock with blood sugar levels at 500 or so..... after two shoots of morphine i was discharged and had to make a desperate call to a friend in hopes i'd be able to get a ride home...i was able to and arrived home safely.... after a couple of days calling out in hopes of trying to recover as much as i could i went into work only to be promptly fired that evening.
My depression went even deeper than i had thought it would go....No job...no money...no parents to help me.... i contemplated suicide.... in fact.....had my grandmother not called my dad and let her know how much trouble i was in.....i wouldve have woken up one morning and probably have done it in a park that i thought had a lovely sunrise.... but my dad called me the next day and told me that he was coming to get me and i needed to pack.... i dont know if it was because i'd be going to a safe place, if i was sad at leaving a friend...or what but i cried for 4 hours that day....when i got home i held my cats and just wept....i cried myself to sleep that night...
Fast forward to a year ago...i finally discovered three terms that felt right to describe my feelings....Pansexual....and Genderfluid/Gender Non-conforming.. i felt a little more comfortable after reading about them and realized THAT was what had been bugging me.....unfortunately.....i cannot express myself in ways that i feel more comfortable in...as my family is very conservative and very much against the lifestyle that feels right to me.
thank you for allowing me to write this...while i have not completely found myself.....i am just a little closer and its because of you guys that i feel safe...and welcome thank you :')
