The prompt was "The..."

Not so long ago i was prescriped a pill to help with sleep and anxiety by a psyciatrist. I had extreme side effects, all i could do was sleep and i constantly felt dreadful, everything felt fake and i constantly felt like i was a hair close to a mental breakdown but all i could do was laugh. I owly took it twice and stopped and the side effects lasted a good week. Ontop of that the last day of the side effect i had some very dark thoughts ab harming myself and others (ive never had it that extreme before). Also after the side effects i became ill and had a terible time with that. The whole time my gran... she basicly told me that she thinks im exaggerating everything, bc "normal ppl" dont experience it like that.... its the second time that she basicly told me im abnormal... I messaged the psychiatrist and he told me i could stop for awhile and start taking it in lower doses.... But i was terrified. I then saw my gender psychiatrist, told me that the side effects meant the pill was working on me, but before it starts getting better it gets worse. She understood why i was so scared to start again. She told me i should message the psychiatrist again that day and to ask if i can do mini dose or start something else but also with a mini dose...
A week has passed... i havent send him... I- im terrified to even think of starting it again... "it will get worse before its better"... i already feel terible i literly cant hadnle feeling worse i honestly feel like.... i would do something bad.

However this isnt only my fear of that pill. Ive told a friend before. But ive already have it so hard accepting the fact that ill need testosterone my whole life in order to be myself. Just the thought of needing something extra, needing help, makes me feel terible.
My family has a history of needing pills to function normally... And due to other aspects i now feel msireble that ill just be another one... So the way im fighting that is by not sending my psychiatrist a message and refusing to take any such pills (i know smart right /s).

All i want is to talk with a psychiatrist, or just somebody whos proffesionally able to help me with my thoughts and guide me better. I dont wanna take pills, i know i can do it without it. Before the pandemic i did take a pill that helped with anxiety but i stopped taking it (without telling anybody, i know im dumb), and a saw a psychiatryst and i did great, i was healing i was thriving... and then the pandemic happend and all my progres seemed to dissapear, and then i graduated and i feel into a bottomless hole... I wanted to see that psychiatryst again but he moved so i couldnt... And i just.... was there

Rn im on a waitlsist for a rehabilitation center wich as wierd as it sounds, im so looking forward too. However its not something i need to stay at. Ill need to go everyday (for like 4 hour or longer) except sunday. Theres aperently multiple activitys and ill get to talk to a psychiatrist. The wait times between 4 to 6 months and ive been on the waitlist since may 2021. So its like 5 months now?
The thing is, i dont care about myself, ive always hated myself. And while dispite also hating school, it was the only thing that kept me from falling bc i was expected to do things. I woke up each day, went to school, had social contact and did several activities.
And i did all that bc i have a fear of disapointing ppl. So now that ill be going to the rehabilitation center ill have that kind of stuff again... you know except for the stressful stuff of being scared to fail class and needing to do hw lol