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Forums Serious Talk Struggling with past me [rant]

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 years ago ( 2022/12/15 00:56:40 )

Update: I GOT APPROVED TO RECOVER THAT ACCOUNT SO I CAN NUKE IT
yessssssss!! Like throwing horrible old habits into a bonfire, but those habits being mean words on the internet!



My childhood friend and I had reconnected this year after not talking to each other for a really long time. We had a falling out in the past when she did something awful and I lashed out and spat profanities at her, making myself not-much-better. Never thought we would talk again.
I was so angry for a while, then sad for a while, then quiet.
Then this year she popped up, reached out. She is married now, has a child. She explained that she had lost a lot of friendships over the years (me too) and that she realized how rude she used to be and is now on a journey to being a better human. Me too.
Our apologies were short because we already forgave each other a long time ago. We've been fast friends again and it's been very nice, she is someone with a mind very much like my own.

So then we explore our memories, things we lost a long from about a literal decade ago. It was all fun and silly until we actually opened up our old doodles and gaffs. We both cringed and frowned at just how clearly awful we used to be. Horrible, rude, mean.

Maybe I'm seeing it more dramatic than it is, because it is looking at myself. Our humor as children was not far off from the kind of insulting, out of line humor that you'd find in South Park. The jokes we made were not OK and it's probably why our memories just naturally purged it as we matured.

I know that I am very far removed from the child that I was. You're a product of your environment until you decide its wrong, I guess. But it's still so so so unsettling seeing slurs and hate (directed at my ocs but still not ok) in my own old handwriting, thinking it was just a ha ha joke. I hope I never hurt anyone in the past.

I've been overthinking about this for like 2 days now while trying to purge all of it. Still working on some, since it's on old accounts that I have not accessed in 10+ years.

Anyway, this is just a rant.
I'm glad that isn't who I am as an adult. I'm also very glad that my childhood friend has also been removed from that for a long time as well. It still fills me with so much shame. Why was I such an ass? Sure I was bullied but only because I was not nice in the first place!

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Voltie — she/her Posted 2 years ago ( 2022/12/15 01:00:29 )


Ah another note about this, some of the ocs we wanted to rewrite. But alas, if I can't get this content removed from the internet, I'll never be able to post their names publicly in fear of someone searching and finding this junk ;^;

Why did I choose to be so dumbbbb

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Donator — Am Potato Posted 2 years ago ( 2022/12/15 08:18:00 )
Past me was cringy too. I understand the feeling. I think... The more you cringe at your old self, or the more embarrassed you are, shows just how much you've grown. Kids, in general, are pretty dumb. They're insensitive, they only truly think about themselves, and say really, REALLY dumb shit. They do dumb stuff too. Like all the time. So I think the fact that you're (both?) embarrassed by your past self(selves?) just shows that you're a more mature and better person than you used to be. And that's okay, honestly. And from what i know of you, you really should be proud of the person you've turned out to be. I think you're an amazing person
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Call me Rena (Reh-nuh)! <3 married 02/02/2020
Rena's Quest

Voltie — she/her Posted 2 years ago ( 2022/12/15 16:10:57 )


@Alorrena:
aw, that's so sweet, thank you!

Yeah, i definitely feel that because of things like this, kids should never record themselves anywhere that they can look back on directly like this. Especially now days! The cringe is unbearable lol

I hope I can get this all deleted. Praying hoping waiting for that site's staff to respond to me and see if I can recover the account to remove it! Otherwise I'll just go and report every rude post lol

My friend is lucky, she already deleted her account on that site. Once I delete mine it will all be gone and purged haha

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Voltie Posted 10 months ago ( 2023/09/16 10:35:07 )
Jolly:


Ah another note about this, some of the ocs we wanted to rewrite. But alas, if I can't get this content removed from the internet, I'll never be able to post their names publicly in fear of someone searching and finding this junk ;^;

Why did I choose to be so dumbbbb



kek
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