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I'll probably ramble and say everything I want to in this post, but I kind of want to hear your thoughts about it too, which is why I made this topic, I guess. This post will probably be really long and I guess nobody will read it all so idk why I'm posting this anyway though.
So, having an inferiority complex about your intelligence....Yeah, idk.
I guess I have that.? I've been thinking over it for the past several days and can't get it out of my head.
I had to do a proper IQ test in 2015 or 2016 once in order to apply for academic consessions at the high school I went to. They said my IQ was...I think slightly above average, but certain parts of the test I did badly on...like processing time or something I guess. My parents have the papers with the results on them at their house, I'll probably try to look for it when I see them again. I know the number they gave me but I don't know how it relates to others. I feel stupid. The part of the IQ test that focused on verbal was 6 points lower than the part that focused on the non-verbal for me. I just know I'm really good at visual puzzles.
I don't think actually knowing my IQ is beneficial to me. Sure, I know the number and don't have to wonder about it, but knowing that number just feels like I'm even more stupid. Numbers don't mean anything in the real world, I know that.
I guess I was fine about stuff in school until about 8th or 9th Grade. In Grade 7 (the last year of our senior primary education, South African education system), one of my teachers told me halfway through the year that I was third in the grade out of around 60 other students even though she wasn't technically supposed to say anything. I guess she just told me because she wanted me to work harder so I did but it wasn't enough I guess because at the end of the year they only said who was first and second in our grade, hah. The third will never be mentioned. Sometimes I wonder if she had been lying. Though i did get the Creative Writing Prize in Grade 7.
It was upon entering High School in Grade 8 that I started feeling stupid. Sure, our grade went from about 60 to 110 students, but Grade 8 was okay for me for the most part. It was Grade 9 when things started getting rocky. One factor was that our school decided to implement a learning programme using iPads in class. Hah, guess how well that worked out. Though, it's the only reason I own an iPad right now so...idk.
It was also in Grade 9 that I got left behind in mathematics. I tended to not listen in class because it seemed so easy, and the teacher would explain things over and over when I thought their first sentence and explanation of the concept was good enough. I ended up not listening in class, and instead doodling a lot and playing on my iPad. I guess I missed the day lessons stopped making as much sense, and by the time I realised, it was too late. I was too scared to ask for fear of the class thinking I was stupid. I somehow ended up managing to pass mathematics up until the last year of high school, Grade 12, when I dropped to Maths Literacy (explanation of this subject in link provided).
I have no idea what spurred me to take extra AP Maths in Grade 10 and extra AP English in Grade 11, but I dropped out of both after a year each. In Grade 11 was probably the year I felt the worst because my grades were so low. I was just...struck with something back then. I know grades aren't supposed to dictate one's intelligence, but I couldn't help thinking how stupid I was. I withdrew into myself, having a separate room in boarding school in Grade 11 and 12 like the others did. I started avoiding my two friends because I wanted to be alone and....well...It was mostly just the one friend I was avoiding because she would bug me about my grades and stuff, but my other friend was always with her.
I fell into a kind of depression sort of where I just...wanted to die honestly. Just because my marks were bad. Yes I'm stupid. Because my marks were bad, I ended up trying not as hard as before because I just knew I was going to fail, which made it even worse. My friend shouted at me once that I was wasting my parents money and that I should do my homework unless I want to become a homeless bum on the streets. She said other things that hurt that don't really relate to this topic at the time but I somehow ended up crying and avoiding her even more after that incident. But the thing she said about wasting my parents money...I'd honestly been thinking that I was doing exactly that long before she said anything about it. I thought it was better to die soon so my parents wouldn't have to waste anymore money on their useless child.
I wanted to die, and I would often just curl up on my bed in one of the attic rooms when I was in grade 12 and think of how it would work if I went. I chose the attic room because hardly anybody will disturb up there unless it's you they want, because it's up a floor from the rest of the dorms. I didn't want to be disturbed.. I'd usually end up crying when I thought of what I wanted to do. I felt like I had bad marks and no true friends.
I went to a choir camp in December 2015 and somebody ended up hugging me when I wanted to die and I ended up crying, though it made me realise there were people who cared about me and who I'd hurt when I was gone...
I'm better than I was then but I still get bouts of self-doubt that cleave away at my esteem, even if they're tiny things like getting a riddle wrong or not being able to do crosswords or failing an assignment or test in university. I end up just wanting to curl up in my bed for all eternity and never leave because I feel like a failure who's too stupid to do anything or succeed at life
I'm overthinking everything right now idk. My eyes are kind of wet coz when I remembered everything as I was typing this...idk
I'm sorry....this turned out different than I meant it to....though I guess my overall point is that sometimes my inferiority complex about my intelligence makes me want to die over the stupidest of things.
So, having an inferiority complex about your intelligence....Yeah, idk.
I guess I have that.? I've been thinking over it for the past several days and can't get it out of my head.
I had to do a proper IQ test in 2015 or 2016 once in order to apply for academic consessions at the high school I went to. They said my IQ was...I think slightly above average, but certain parts of the test I did badly on...like processing time or something I guess. My parents have the papers with the results on them at their house, I'll probably try to look for it when I see them again. I know the number they gave me but I don't know how it relates to others. I feel stupid. The part of the IQ test that focused on verbal was 6 points lower than the part that focused on the non-verbal for me. I just know I'm really good at visual puzzles.
I don't think actually knowing my IQ is beneficial to me. Sure, I know the number and don't have to wonder about it, but knowing that number just feels like I'm even more stupid. Numbers don't mean anything in the real world, I know that.
I guess I was fine about stuff in school until about 8th or 9th Grade. In Grade 7 (the last year of our senior primary education, South African education system), one of my teachers told me halfway through the year that I was third in the grade out of around 60 other students even though she wasn't technically supposed to say anything. I guess she just told me because she wanted me to work harder so I did but it wasn't enough I guess because at the end of the year they only said who was first and second in our grade, hah. The third will never be mentioned. Sometimes I wonder if she had been lying. Though i did get the Creative Writing Prize in Grade 7.
It was upon entering High School in Grade 8 that I started feeling stupid. Sure, our grade went from about 60 to 110 students, but Grade 8 was okay for me for the most part. It was Grade 9 when things started getting rocky. One factor was that our school decided to implement a learning programme using iPads in class. Hah, guess how well that worked out. Though, it's the only reason I own an iPad right now so...idk.
It was also in Grade 9 that I got left behind in mathematics. I tended to not listen in class because it seemed so easy, and the teacher would explain things over and over when I thought their first sentence and explanation of the concept was good enough. I ended up not listening in class, and instead doodling a lot and playing on my iPad. I guess I missed the day lessons stopped making as much sense, and by the time I realised, it was too late. I was too scared to ask for fear of the class thinking I was stupid. I somehow ended up managing to pass mathematics up until the last year of high school, Grade 12, when I dropped to Maths Literacy (explanation of this subject in link provided).
I have no idea what spurred me to take extra AP Maths in Grade 10 and extra AP English in Grade 11, but I dropped out of both after a year each. In Grade 11 was probably the year I felt the worst because my grades were so low. I was just...struck with something back then. I know grades aren't supposed to dictate one's intelligence, but I couldn't help thinking how stupid I was. I withdrew into myself, having a separate room in boarding school in Grade 11 and 12 like the others did. I started avoiding my two friends because I wanted to be alone and....well...It was mostly just the one friend I was avoiding because she would bug me about my grades and stuff, but my other friend was always with her.
I fell into a kind of depression sort of where I just...wanted to die honestly. Just because my marks were bad. Yes I'm stupid. Because my marks were bad, I ended up trying not as hard as before because I just knew I was going to fail, which made it even worse. My friend shouted at me once that I was wasting my parents money and that I should do my homework unless I want to become a homeless bum on the streets. She said other things that hurt that don't really relate to this topic at the time but I somehow ended up crying and avoiding her even more after that incident. But the thing she said about wasting my parents money...I'd honestly been thinking that I was doing exactly that long before she said anything about it. I thought it was better to die soon so my parents wouldn't have to waste anymore money on their useless child.
I wanted to die, and I would often just curl up on my bed in one of the attic rooms when I was in grade 12 and think of how it would work if I went. I chose the attic room because hardly anybody will disturb up there unless it's you they want, because it's up a floor from the rest of the dorms. I didn't want to be disturbed.. I'd usually end up crying when I thought of what I wanted to do. I felt like I had bad marks and no true friends.
I went to a choir camp in December 2015 and somebody ended up hugging me when I wanted to die and I ended up crying, though it made me realise there were people who cared about me and who I'd hurt when I was gone...
I'm better than I was then but I still get bouts of self-doubt that cleave away at my esteem, even if they're tiny things like getting a riddle wrong or not being able to do crosswords or failing an assignment or test in university. I end up just wanting to curl up in my bed for all eternity and never leave because I feel like a failure who's too stupid to do anything or succeed at life
I'm overthinking everything right now idk. My eyes are kind of wet coz when I remembered everything as I was typing this...idk
I'm sorry....this turned out different than I meant it to....though I guess my overall point is that sometimes my inferiority complex about my intelligence makes me want to die over the stupidest of things.
Always ping me please. 