..what to do with myself.
Sigh. Where to even start? This might be jumbled. I need a place to rant (Ha. Hence my mule acc.)
So, I'm like 80% sure I am in an abusive relationship, but I feel like he doesn't..know he's being mentally abusive? He has anger issues very evidently, though I know he won't admit or get checked. He had changed into an asshole and he openly says "yeah im an asshole its my personality". But its not??? Like, he is super sweet most of the time. But he has very negative outlooks on life and honestly... anything. This change really took place when his father died and I know he has unresolved grief. I know he is stressed and upset about his brother whom is struggling with addiction. But he just pushes it off and chooses not to feel or talk about it. Then the bottled up feelings unleash onto me like dantes inferno :(. Also, I have been diagnosed with major depression. It really took me being diagnosed for him to believe I wasnt being lazy or just too emotional. He still doesnt understand it at all tho. He thinks I use my emotions and crying as an excuse or tactic to get what I want but I really am just hyper sensitive.
Hes always threatening to leave me and tells me to pack my shit when we have any fight at all. Used to not be that way. He actually made me leave about a yr ago and if I came back he forced me to leave again.
Im also always accused of flirting. I play xbox and I frequent avatar sites. Any interaction with a male means I am flirting. (Despite me literally being 18 and playing xbox with 14 to 15 year olds..like wtf?)
And always saying he will leave me if I dont find a job or get my license etc (things my anxiety and depression have made me put off but I really am trying.. I just have nobody to help me with learning to drive).
Hes just.. hurtful and mean now. I really dont know if he intends to be..and I dont know if this counts as abusive.
Forums Serious Talk I dont know..
Millet, spilling the tea: The single thing that I see time and time again both in my own personal experience and with watching others in similar scenarios is it seems difficult for people to accept that they really cant change someone, unless that person wants to change.
If he truly does lack self awareness, coupled with the rare admission of flaw but skews it with "that's just my personality" there is nothing you can do. This is a wall he created and it seems from your description he is in denial of it being there.
It doesnt matter how nice you are. How hard you try. And ultimately the more you try things with blatantly no progress ends up enabling him.
Think about it, you keep coming back no matter how horrible he is. He has you wrapped around his finger while you struggle to find objective foundation and question 'what's ok? This doesnt feel ok. But what IS ok?'.
He has no reason to change. He has no desire to change and he seems tootin' proud of what he's becoming.
If you haven't tried thoroughly communicating with him I do suggest you gently try to do so. I dont mean "hey you're mean sometimes and it hurts", I mean "listen, since xxx event it feels like you are closing up/drifting out and it makes my place in your life feel insecure...etc."
If you have already done that, and it went no where or backfired then you really need to enter this difficult phase of acceptance that he wont change. You cant change him and the only way things are going to get better - is if you make the change for yourself.
I understand it's not remotely that simple. I've been in exactly the same scenario and at the time vomit worthy levels of codependency.
But you need peace in your life hon. Dont rob yourself of it. You deserve to be in a relationship where communication isnt hostile and your ground isnt shaking beneath you. He needs a reality check but he cant get one if he doesnt learn that actions have consequences. This wont change, this will continue if he doesnt seek help and if you dont seek the change you know deep down is inevitable if he wont meet you half way on the emotional spectrum.
Millet, spilling the tea: 
Not having a personal and in depth insight to your life makes it hard to offer much helpful advice, but if what I've read here is any indication of your life... You're in a relationship with an abusive asshole.
That's probably not something you want to be told and clearly not something you are willing to accept, but it seems to be the truth. People who admit they are assholes but do absolutely nothing to change or resolve that part of themselves, are in fact assholes. And the ones who claim it's "just a part of [their] personality" are even worse. 'Asshole' is not a personality trait, it's a toxic one.
I understand that grief, unresolved or otherwise, can drastically change a person (I have dealt with such things myself) but they are absolutely no excuse to treat the people who love and care about you like crap. They are absolutely not free passes to continue being an asshole who does nothing to try and stop being an asshole.
All that added onto the fact that it took a medical diagnosis for him to believe you weren't just being lazy or over emotional is very telling. Plus the fact that you mentioned he still doesn't get it, which generally means he doesn't care or doesn't value your emotions; and definitely doesn't seem to value your mental health.
Telling you to "pack [your] shit" and threatening to leave you are also abusive things. Very abusive. Especially taking into account that he has "made [you] leave" and "forced [you] to leave again" once you returned. That's so not healthy, babe, and you need to get away from him. Tactics like that are his way of exercising control over you and the fact that you kept returning prove to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants and you'll stick around. It's not healthy for anyone involved.
Constant accusations of flirting are also bad. Insecure men can turn around and do some very dangerous things, and considering he is already this abusive I'm honestly fearing for your safety now. These things are not normal or healthy in anyway. This is not normal, none of it.
I know a common struggle among abuse victims or people in abusive relationships is trying to figure out "what really counts as abusive" but really, if you have that thought chances are you are in an abusive relationship and you need to try and do what you can to get away from it and him.
Leaving can be hard, sometimes it can seem impossible but it can be done. It should be done. Because staying will just tear you down more, and build him up more by showing him that his actions have no consequences and if his actions have no consequence there is nothing inspiring him to change. And if he doesn't change, he will get worse, and if he gets worse the abuse will too; and no one wants that.
That's probably not something you want to be told and clearly not something you are willing to accept, but it seems to be the truth. People who admit they are assholes but do absolutely nothing to change or resolve that part of themselves, are in fact assholes. And the ones who claim it's "just a part of [their] personality" are even worse. 'Asshole' is not a personality trait, it's a toxic one.
I understand that grief, unresolved or otherwise, can drastically change a person (I have dealt with such things myself) but they are absolutely no excuse to treat the people who love and care about you like crap. They are absolutely not free passes to continue being an asshole who does nothing to try and stop being an asshole.
All that added onto the fact that it took a medical diagnosis for him to believe you weren't just being lazy or over emotional is very telling. Plus the fact that you mentioned he still doesn't get it, which generally means he doesn't care or doesn't value your emotions; and definitely doesn't seem to value your mental health.
Telling you to "pack [your] shit" and threatening to leave you are also abusive things. Very abusive. Especially taking into account that he has "made [you] leave" and "forced [you] to leave again" once you returned. That's so not healthy, babe, and you need to get away from him. Tactics like that are his way of exercising control over you and the fact that you kept returning prove to him that he can do whatever the hell he wants and you'll stick around. It's not healthy for anyone involved.
Constant accusations of flirting are also bad. Insecure men can turn around and do some very dangerous things, and considering he is already this abusive I'm honestly fearing for your safety now. These things are not normal or healthy in anyway. This is not normal, none of it.
I know a common struggle among abuse victims or people in abusive relationships is trying to figure out "what really counts as abusive" but really, if you have that thought chances are you are in an abusive relationship and you need to try and do what you can to get away from it and him.
Leaving can be hard, sometimes it can seem impossible but it can be done. It should be done. Because staying will just tear you down more, and build him up more by showing him that his actions have no consequences and if his actions have no consequence there is nothing inspiring him to change. And if he doesn't change, he will get worse, and if he gets worse the abuse will too; and no one wants that.
@milkdaddy: I am so sorry for everything you're going through, hun. Dealing with depression isn't easy, suicide attempts are never fun, and I am deeply sorry you felt the need for that. But I am also glad you got help and are still around, the world wouldn't be as bright if you were gone.
Do you have any other options? Someone else you can move in with (temporarily or otherwise)?
Because honey, if he's that flippant and dismissive of an honest to god suicide attempt and being put on suicide watch you really need to get away from him. It's not healthy, he's not good for you, and staying with someone like that will do absolutely nothing for helping you get better and overcome this illness.
Him trying to tell you "you didn't wanna die" and claiming someone else is suicidal and you're not (when you've just attempted) is popping up so many little red flags. As your boyfriend he should love you and care about you, and want you to defeat this illness; not keep trying to invalidate it and your feelings.
I suggest leaving and not listening to a single word he says if he tries to claim to miss you, because he doesn't. He misses having someone to control, manipulate, and abuse. He's using your history together to keep you anchored, he's playing on your emotional vulnerabilities to keep you trapped, and he's an abusive asshole. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally and that can fuck up a person so much.
So I seriously suggest finding an avenue out of that relationship and away from him, because none of this sounds at all healthy or normal. And i know it won't be easy, but look you are only 19 years old. You have so much life left to live and so many paths in front of you, this is no time to stick to just one and continue to be abused by some asshole who couldn't give two shits about you. Go out there and work on yourself, find a path that will help you better control your depression and work towards removing suicidal ideation from your life. Find a path, or six, or fifty, that lead to you being happy. And trust me, you do not need a man or a relationship to find that.
Do you have any other options? Someone else you can move in with (temporarily or otherwise)?
Because honey, if he's that flippant and dismissive of an honest to god suicide attempt and being put on suicide watch you really need to get away from him. It's not healthy, he's not good for you, and staying with someone like that will do absolutely nothing for helping you get better and overcome this illness.
Him trying to tell you "you didn't wanna die" and claiming someone else is suicidal and you're not (when you've just attempted) is popping up so many little red flags. As your boyfriend he should love you and care about you, and want you to defeat this illness; not keep trying to invalidate it and your feelings.
I suggest leaving and not listening to a single word he says if he tries to claim to miss you, because he doesn't. He misses having someone to control, manipulate, and abuse. He's using your history together to keep you anchored, he's playing on your emotional vulnerabilities to keep you trapped, and he's an abusive asshole. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally and that can fuck up a person so much.
So I seriously suggest finding an avenue out of that relationship and away from him, because none of this sounds at all healthy or normal. And i know it won't be easy, but look you are only 19 years old. You have so much life left to live and so many paths in front of you, this is no time to stick to just one and continue to be abused by some asshole who couldn't give two shits about you. Go out there and work on yourself, find a path that will help you better control your depression and work towards removing suicidal ideation from your life. Find a path, or six, or fifty, that lead to you being happy. And trust me, you do not need a man or a relationship to find that.
I agree with Millet and Beauty.
You found each other when you were 14, and now you're almost 19. That's a long time, Especially for teenagers. It might hurt to think that you've wasted your time with him if you don't stick with him now that circumstances have changed for the worse. But consider the fact that a LOT of personal growth happens in the teens and 20s, physically and emotionally. You might have been great together when you were 14, but the situation's different now and your relationship reflects that. You don't owe him anything for being through some tough times together. Just like how you don't owe your moms for giving you life or bringing you up.
The fact that you're realizing all these things about your relationship shows you have sound judgment. You know yourself, you know what you want, and you know that you're not getting it out of this relationship. Everything you've done so far to treat your depression and suicidal thoughts, You got for yourself. All the help that you have right now, he had no part in it. Take responsibility for the good things you do for yourself. You Already have the skills to get all the support you need. Don't worry about thinking about suicide when you're alone, you can call the cops on yourself even when he's not around. You don't need him. You're already enough as you are. You'll survive without him. You'll do better without him. I believe in you.
You found each other when you were 14, and now you're almost 19. That's a long time, Especially for teenagers. It might hurt to think that you've wasted your time with him if you don't stick with him now that circumstances have changed for the worse. But consider the fact that a LOT of personal growth happens in the teens and 20s, physically and emotionally. You might have been great together when you were 14, but the situation's different now and your relationship reflects that. You don't owe him anything for being through some tough times together. Just like how you don't owe your moms for giving you life or bringing you up.
The fact that you're realizing all these things about your relationship shows you have sound judgment. You know yourself, you know what you want, and you know that you're not getting it out of this relationship. Everything you've done so far to treat your depression and suicidal thoughts, You got for yourself. All the help that you have right now, he had no part in it. Take responsibility for the good things you do for yourself. You Already have the skills to get all the support you need. Don't worry about thinking about suicide when you're alone, you can call the cops on yourself even when he's not around. You don't need him. You're already enough as you are. You'll survive without him. You'll do better without him. I believe in you.
Ping me
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Having you as a Voltie would be awesome.