Once upon a Millet time, I lived in a cheap
but decent studio apartment with my cat Foxy.
It for the most part didn't have any issues,
until one moodswingy winter.
I woke up to my cat hissing and knocking
things over, and in the dark I could make out a flying
creature. I'm a bird lover(intensely) at heart, so I panic that a bird
got in and Foxy may kill it. So I leap to action and turn the lights on
to retrieve the bird. Except it wasn't a bird. No. it was a bat.

I gave a cliche feminine shriek. Never had to confront a bat before.
I love all animals. I wouldn't say I was afraid of bats, more so
just afraid of the realization this isn't a bird, and it is flying at my face.
After hours me shrieking every time it flew at me, and chasing it around with
a blanket, trying to reason with it on a human level "I don't want to hurt you!'
I did eventually catch the bat, walk outside and release him....I said
"Bye Batty" because I like to name things and it helps the process somehow. idk
but that wasn't the end of my bat-hood.

No, in fact this happened again just a few days later.
Captured. Released. Good bye Francine.
Then a week later. Captured. Released. Good bye Marianne.
Then another week - captured. released. Good bye Frederick.
At this point I had filed a couple complaints with
the landlord that somehow bats were getting into my
apartment and I couldn't figure out how or where from.
I had spent numerous hours browsing google, watching
bat documentaries, reading factoids, articles. Identifying that
these bats are all Little Brown Bats. Honestly, they are cute.
They look like little hamsters with ears and wings. I started
to become enamored with my infestation, but none the less
tired....but was this the end of this story? No. Things get really
really weird.

My cat Foxy had a incline cardboard scratcher that also had holes on the sides
and a little dangly toy. She almost always ignored the shit out of the holes and just
used the scratcher. But one night she kept hissing at it. And I saw on the corner, of course,
a little brown bat. Well, I quickly was able to pick him up and entrap him gently...
.but to my horror I stirred the rest that apparently were sleeping inside the holes.
11 bats in total. Flying around my apartment. All little brown bats. All doing
frantic screech screeches. Foxy is going nuts I'm emotionally burnt out.
It's like 2 in the morning. I have work at 6am. I spend a solid two hours
collecting them and releasing them one at a time . (Good bye Lucky, Good bye
William, Good bye Guava, Goodbye Paisley, good bye...you get it...) Believe it or not.
I did successfully collect them all. Sent photos to my landlord, threatened
to call someone if he doesn't do something about this, and he finally got on
it. But is this story done? LOL NO WHY WOULD IT BE.

A month goes by of peace. Some dude cleared out the attic
(that I had no access to) and sealed it up and peace was
t e m p o r a r i l y restored.
One night. A bat is in my apartment. But this bat is different.
This bat is not like the others. He is slightly larger than them
(not a big bat, just bigger than the little brown bat) and he has
much longer ears. (yeah, I'm assuming his gender.) I named him
Dominic because naming things helps me personify them and not
hate them and empathize and blah blah. Dominic would be the only
casualty in this tragic story...

Dominic, was very elusive. He flew much faster and much more erratically.
Ya know how I found him? I woke up because something hit me in the head
and was stuck on my head. I was woken from a sleep panicing and I had
to untangle this clutz from my hair. While doing so, he cooperated. I spoke
in a soft voice. He'd spazz fidget now and then but clearly some kinda
instinct kicked in to accept I was in control. After getting him unknotted
from my friggin head he makes a stealthy escape. Of course I'm a little
miffed at the situation, as I handled him with my bear hands and he did
scratch me from his lil claw thigns in my hair. (my hair was in a night-bun
and he like got perfectly entrapped in it. It was really sad actually and
I was really worried about him.) Naturally I told the landlord we still
have a bat problem and at first he was all attitude like "NOT MY PROBLEM"
lol yes it is, and I submitted a 6 page document detailing tennant rights,
protocol for bat removal, etc. I understand he had thought the problem was
fixed and I'm not mad that he tried and was mistaken. I'm mad that he
was acting like it's my fault. "CLOSE YOUR WINDOWS" "ITS JANUARY,
THEY ARE CLOSED YOU SWINE!" (no I never called him a swine.)

This unfortunately went on for days. they checked the attic, couldn't find entry point.
And we could not capture the bat. Every few nights he'd fly out and my attempts to get
him were very very challenging. It ended up that I had to call animal control..who
was off the clock. So they sent over a police officer........this is the weirdest part
of the whole story...........

So the door bell rings, I run down stairs to answer the door.
There's this 6ft something muscular guy (he said he is from
the Dominican Republic when we were chatting over tea.) with tribal tattoos.
He is acting official- like- extra so and it was awkward like..military?
Staring straight ,standing super straight spoke rigid? Annoucing
"I am here for the bat." it was comical in its own way. I apologized that
he was coming over for such a silly issue and he was like "It's no problem
ma'am. This is just my job. I was at the scene of a gun fight two streets down
so this was convenient and on the way. It made sense for me to be chosen to be
here." ........(LIke probably not those exact words as it was back in 2014 but something
like that pretty much.)
So I show him upstairs and as I go to open my door he like SUDDENLY goes
"OH MY GOD" - gasps and turns away. I wasl ike "WAHT WHAT HAPPENED"
And it is then he confesses.......

HE IS FRIGGIN' PHOBIC OF BATS AND BEGGED NOT TO DO THIS JOB.
HE IS ALMOST CRYING TERRIFIED I FEEL AWEFUL FOR HIM. I FEEL CONFUSED.
I FEEL MANY THINGS. WHY DID THEY FORCE HIM TO COME JUST BECAUSE
HE WAS CLOSE. HOW THE HECK IS HE GONNA HELP ME WHEN HE IS TERRIFIED.
THERE IS NO LOGIC HERE. ALSO WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF A BAT PHOBIC COP
BEING THE ONE CLOSE BY THE BAT INCIDENT. I AM NOT A FATALISTIC PERSON
BUT SERIOUSLY WHAT ARE THE ODDS. IS THIS A TV SHOW. I DIDN"T SIGN UP
FOR THIS SHIT. I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS GUANO.

Well, I mean. This guy has heart. I don't remember his name so calling him
Thomas, like the tank engine that could. He pulled himself together after
I poorly tried comforting him and was adamant that he was gonna get the
job done "This is why I became a cop. To help people. I'm not like other asshole
cops" and I was like "YEAH you show em!" and he was like "I will kill that bat."
and I was like "No, that makes you like the stereotype. Please don't kill the bat.
We just need to capture it."

We enter the apartment. Spend a whole hour looking for the bat. Cannot find it.
I had eye sight on it before answering the door but the crying and such the bat
may have went else where. I checked every crevice and could not find it.
This dude does a hail mary and says "maybe it went back outside." I let him think that.
Hel eaves and says that if I see it again tonight to call and ask for him.

The bat shows its bat self again. I try again for an hour to catch it. Fail.
So I call Thom. Again. Door bell ring. Super serious guy face again. I tell him
Friendly to lighten up otherwise his nerves will make it worse and he goes "oh ok."
We go in the door, the bat thankfully is actively flying. Friggin Thomas
SCREAMS AND RUNS HALF WAY DOWN STAIRS. WAKES UP MY NEIGHBORS
WHO ARE LIKE "WTF IS GOING ON" He puts on his macho face again like
"Sorry sir. That was louder than intended. Yo ucan go to sleep well knowing
everything is fine here." and my neighbor was like ".....o...k......*closes door*"
Thomas comes back and makes a funny "yikes face" and whispers
"SORRRRYYYYYYY thank you for being patient." all I can do is kindly laugh.
He starts chasing the bat with the broom swatting, the bat goes in hiding.
We can't find it. So I tell him to breathe and have a seat and lets make a game
plan so that I don't have to call him back a third time.

I'm telling him cute fun facts about bats and such and he's like
"Wow you're like a bat specialist" and I tell him why I know so much
and he's like "Wow your land lord needs this place inspected!"
I make us both a cup of matcha tea. he's enamored and never heard of matcha before.
I tell him what I do to not be afraid, and that's personify. I told him the bats name is Dominic.
He tells me he hates that name, there's a douche cop at work named Dominic. I said
"Ok lets make a new name" and he really quickly is like "OREO. I LIKE OREOS."
I told him if we can get this done tonight I will reward him with Oreos, he's laughing.
Says he's a sad excuse of a grown man. I try to be er therapeutic and tell him that isn't true,
here he is confronting his fears, and earlier he helped break up a gun fight. He's bad ass.
He says "I'm married fyi" and I was like "I am with someone as well...." and he was like
OK WHEW. (Now I know how awkward that feels lmao.) while chit chatting, I see Foxy
making a wiggle butt stance at the curtains which is our signal to put our plan into action.

Now, like a very quick learned student. Thom
successfully keeps cool. Speaks to oreo with me gently.
"It's ok Oreo. I'm not gonna hurt you. and if I do I'm really sorry its an accident."
and it honest to god works. Because despite orea coming and flying out erratically again
he's like "There there oreo! Please calm down. That must be awefully tiring, Oreo."
And with one swift motion he captures Oreo in a box that I quickly throw a towel over so that
he can't escape. We give a one armed hug, high five. I seal up the box (there are small holes in it,
prestabbed with a pencil by me.) and the cop takes a good solid look at oreo and he was like
"WOW look at those ears.". He get's his ream of oreos and a paper cup of milk to go.
He tells me he'll call me to let me know if Oreo has rabies or not, etc.

After they left I went to do research and was amazed to learn that Oreo
was a Northern Long Eared bat. Different than the brown bats. Critically Endangered.
Federally protected. And lil oreo came to bless my home, awe. Couldn't wait to share the
news with Thom. .........

I get a call 12 hours later, and Thom is devastated on the phone.
HE was like "Good news or bad news first?"
I said "Let's start off on a good note."
He said "Oreo does not have rabies. He was clean and healthy."
I say "Yay, now what is the bad news?"
He is like "I'm so sorry...."
and I was like "Don't be sorry"
and he was like "OREO IS DEAD"
AND I WAS LIKE "WHAT HOW WHY DID YOU SQUISH HIM"
AND HES UPSET AND BREATHING WEIRD LIKE "NO, THEY HAVE TO CUT OFF
BATS HEADS IN ORDER TO TEST FOR RABIES!"
I was super sad because we BOTH got emotionally attached to Oreo after naming it
and the whole ordeal and how proud Thom was of himself for facing his fear, etc.
And then I had to go and add insult to injury. I should have kept my mouth shut.
I was like "Thom, I have even worse news."
And he was like "MORE BATS? IM GETTING YOU NUMBERS TO SUE YOUR LANDLORD"
I was like "No, no, Oreo was a federally protected and critically endangered species...."
and he gasped and ws like "....No.....no...."
"I'm sorry Thom."
"Am I gonna get fired?"
"No Thom, you followed protocol."
"Why did oreo hae to get stuck in your hair..."
(Legit I think we both were kinda gently crying and sadly parted ways and never spoke again lmao)
RIP OREO (not a pic of him, but a pic of the breed of bat)