November 2017 - February 2018
As I mentioned in my title, I really do hate to be this person, especially since I feel like I'm just being an attention seeker, but...I could really use some emotional support right now. I've been going through a really rough mentally and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't go to therapy until after the new year and all of my friends are so busy due to the holidays. It's very rare for me to reach out to people I don't know, especially on a site like this - but I have no other option. I REALLY need someone to talk to. I'm feeling entirely hopeless and unable to handle anything at all right now. So I'd really appreciate anyone who's willing to listen and help me out.
I'm going to start out by saying, I have severe anxiety, depression, and neurofibromatosis (NF1) all rolled into one ball. And all of which makes my life very difficult. Although I would say the anxiety and depression are much worse and more deliberating. For my NF1, which is a neurological disorder and makes anything that requires coordination very difficult all I can really do is get yearly MRIs to monitor it. Not much else I can do there, there is no cure and I'm stuck with dealing with it forever.
For my depression and anxiety, I've already tried therapy (I'm on my second therapist already) and I've been on multiple medications, but neither of those options are helping me at all. Therapy is completely useless, and I'm not sure if the medication not working is just due to it not being the right one, or a high enough dosage, but I definitely don't see it working at all. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've found essential oils and crystals to be much more helpful than either of those two. But I'm still quite new to the world of essential oils at least, so, I don't know which essential oils and crystals are best for my needs, or what kinds work best together.
I'd be here all day if I tried making a list of everything that gives me anxiety, so I'm just going to quite honestly say that almost everything causes me anxiety or stress to some degree, and I'm not even exaggerating. There is very little that DOESN'T give me anxiety. Pretty much if I'm not reading, writing, watching tv, playing online, playing with my cats, or doing something related to my spirituality, Wicca (which includes things with essential oil and crystals), it's going to give me SOME kind of anxiety. I know it's probably just me, but even seemingly "simple things"- like helping my parents with wrapping Christmas presents, or helping out with putting cookie ingredients into the bowel and are extremely frustrating to me, and cause me loads of anxiety. I've already had to quit helping them multiple times this holiday season, because of this.
And although my parents try to be very understanding with my anxiety most of the time (which I really appreciate) in these situations they tried pulling the whole "you just don't want to help us anymore" and "your computer is more important" cards on me, or accuse me of not even trying. But what they don't understand (despite how many times I try to explain it to them) is that I AM in fact trying, but it's just not going right and that the ONLY way I can prevent the situation from getting worse and completely going off the deep end or blowing a fuse is by removing myself from the situation. But then after I do that, I immediately end up feeling guilty and like I'm a terrible daughter for not doing more to help, despite doing the best I can.
My therapist (probably like all therapists) is constantly stressing that "avoidance isn't the answer" and that "you have to stop avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, and face the anxiety." But the thing is, whenever I try to do that, and the longer I stay in the situation, the WORSE it gets. The anxiety just keeps building up and up until I have a mental breakdown, which then causes me MORE depression because I end up feeling worthless and like a total failure due to not being able to succeed in the situation. You get where I'm going here?
Because I have so much anxiety holding me back from everything, I have a lot a depression too. But at the same time, every time I try to face one of my anxieties and fail, that also causes me depression, which causes me to give up and not bother trying again. Because what's the point of trying if I'm only going to fail again? It's just going to cause me more anxiety and depression and it won't help me at all.
I'll admit that I hold myself to perfectionist (and unrealistic) standards and my therapist is trying to help me with that, and get me to know that making mistakes is okay, but so far I haven't made much progress on that at all. To me, if I screw up or make a mistake, I'm still worthless and good-for-nothing. And there's the worst part, I only have until June with my current (and second) therapist, since that's when her internship ends, and I'll have to end up getting another new therapist yet again, throwing me back to square one yet AGAIN. So even IF by some miracle I made any progress, all of that would be completely washed down the drain and I'd end up having to start all over again, because I've finally started becoming more comfortable with my therapist (after five months of seeing her.) It takes me awhile to get comfortable enough with people and trust them, so the fact that I was finally getting to that point with my therapist was a HUGE thing to me. And now to find out, all of that is going to be taken away come June freaking sucks.
And well, this brings me to the next thing. I've had a lot of instability in my social life. I was bounced between three different elementary/primary schools (albeit in the same school district.) Even when I was little, I had trouble making friends and it took me awhile to get close to people, so just when I would make friends with somebody, I would end up losing them due to having to go to a new school with people I didn't know and having to start all over again. My social life stabilized for a few years in high school, (since all elementary schools in my district went to the same high school) and I was able to make friends that I was close enough to hang out with even outside of school and go on trips with. But now that I've been out of my school for about two and a half years and my friends are either going to college far away, or busy with their own lives whether it be with jobs, relationships, or kids, I'm losing that stability I once had again, and it honestly hurts like hell. The only lasting stability in my life I've ever really had is my family, and with my parents getting older (ages 63 and 58) so I'm not sure how much longer even that part of my life will be stable. Hopefully for another 20+ years, but life is very unpredictable so it's hard to say. And as I pretty much stated above, there's no stability in therapy (which is supposed to be helping me) either and I think that's a big portion of the reason I haven't made any improvement since leaving high school, and sadly it seems that there's nothing that I, or my parents can do about it.
My insurance will only allow me to see interns (who rarely stay more than a year) and there's no way we'll be able to afford a licensed therapist (who would likely be more stable) without insurance because it's so expensive to get help here in the US. And because it takes me awhile ti open up anyone, including therapists, I'm just going to be stuck in an endless cycle of making little-to-no -improvement and then having to start all over again, never being able to make progress, ever.
And it's getting to the point where I feel like life is too hard and I CAN'T handle it at all. And the thing is, I know I have a pretty good life. Others have it so much worse than me, and I am constantly reminding myself of this. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse about feeling this way, I can't help it! I can't help but wish life was easier and that I didn't have to deal with this crapstorm of everything. And I just - I don't know what to do anymore.
So if any of you guys have words of advice, or even just words of encouragement or emotional support, please do tell me. I'm at a really low point right now and could really use the help. (And I hate asking for help as it it is, but please be gentle and not harsh with your responses as well. I'm a very fragile person. Especially in my current state of mind.)
I'm going to start out by saying, I have severe anxiety, depression, and neurofibromatosis (NF1) all rolled into one ball. And all of which makes my life very difficult. Although I would say the anxiety and depression are much worse and more deliberating. For my NF1, which is a neurological disorder and makes anything that requires coordination very difficult all I can really do is get yearly MRIs to monitor it. Not much else I can do there, there is no cure and I'm stuck with dealing with it forever.
For my depression and anxiety, I've already tried therapy (I'm on my second therapist already) and I've been on multiple medications, but neither of those options are helping me at all. Therapy is completely useless, and I'm not sure if the medication not working is just due to it not being the right one, or a high enough dosage, but I definitely don't see it working at all. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've found essential oils and crystals to be much more helpful than either of those two. But I'm still quite new to the world of essential oils at least, so, I don't know which essential oils and crystals are best for my needs, or what kinds work best together.
I'd be here all day if I tried making a list of everything that gives me anxiety, so I'm just going to quite honestly say that almost everything causes me anxiety or stress to some degree, and I'm not even exaggerating. There is very little that DOESN'T give me anxiety. Pretty much if I'm not reading, writing, watching tv, playing online, playing with my cats, or doing something related to my spirituality, Wicca (which includes things with essential oil and crystals), it's going to give me SOME kind of anxiety. I know it's probably just me, but even seemingly "simple things"- like helping my parents with wrapping Christmas presents, or helping out with putting cookie ingredients into the bowel and are extremely frustrating to me, and cause me loads of anxiety. I've already had to quit helping them multiple times this holiday season, because of this.
And although my parents try to be very understanding with my anxiety most of the time (which I really appreciate) in these situations they tried pulling the whole "you just don't want to help us anymore" and "your computer is more important" cards on me, or accuse me of not even trying. But what they don't understand (despite how many times I try to explain it to them) is that I AM in fact trying, but it's just not going right and that the ONLY way I can prevent the situation from getting worse and completely going off the deep end or blowing a fuse is by removing myself from the situation. But then after I do that, I immediately end up feeling guilty and like I'm a terrible daughter for not doing more to help, despite doing the best I can.
My therapist (probably like all therapists) is constantly stressing that "avoidance isn't the answer" and that "you have to stop avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, and face the anxiety." But the thing is, whenever I try to do that, and the longer I stay in the situation, the WORSE it gets. The anxiety just keeps building up and up until I have a mental breakdown, which then causes me MORE depression because I end up feeling worthless and like a total failure due to not being able to succeed in the situation. You get where I'm going here?
Because I have so much anxiety holding me back from everything, I have a lot a depression too. But at the same time, every time I try to face one of my anxieties and fail, that also causes me depression, which causes me to give up and not bother trying again. Because what's the point of trying if I'm only going to fail again? It's just going to cause me more anxiety and depression and it won't help me at all.
I'll admit that I hold myself to perfectionist (and unrealistic) standards and my therapist is trying to help me with that, and get me to know that making mistakes is okay, but so far I haven't made much progress on that at all. To me, if I screw up or make a mistake, I'm still worthless and good-for-nothing. And there's the worst part, I only have until June with my current (and second) therapist, since that's when her internship ends, and I'll have to end up getting another new therapist yet again, throwing me back to square one yet AGAIN. So even IF by some miracle I made any progress, all of that would be completely washed down the drain and I'd end up having to start all over again, because I've finally started becoming more comfortable with my therapist (after five months of seeing her.) It takes me awhile to get comfortable enough with people and trust them, so the fact that I was finally getting to that point with my therapist was a HUGE thing to me. And now to find out, all of that is going to be taken away come June freaking sucks.
And well, this brings me to the next thing. I've had a lot of instability in my social life. I was bounced between three different elementary/primary schools (albeit in the same school district.) Even when I was little, I had trouble making friends and it took me awhile to get close to people, so just when I would make friends with somebody, I would end up losing them due to having to go to a new school with people I didn't know and having to start all over again. My social life stabilized for a few years in high school, (since all elementary schools in my district went to the same high school) and I was able to make friends that I was close enough to hang out with even outside of school and go on trips with. But now that I've been out of my school for about two and a half years and my friends are either going to college far away, or busy with their own lives whether it be with jobs, relationships, or kids, I'm losing that stability I once had again, and it honestly hurts like hell. The only lasting stability in my life I've ever really had is my family, and with my parents getting older (ages 63 and 58) so I'm not sure how much longer even that part of my life will be stable. Hopefully for another 20+ years, but life is very unpredictable so it's hard to say. And as I pretty much stated above, there's no stability in therapy (which is supposed to be helping me) either and I think that's a big portion of the reason I haven't made any improvement since leaving high school, and sadly it seems that there's nothing that I, or my parents can do about it.
My insurance will only allow me to see interns (who rarely stay more than a year) and there's no way we'll be able to afford a licensed therapist (who would likely be more stable) without insurance because it's so expensive to get help here in the US. And because it takes me awhile ti open up anyone, including therapists, I'm just going to be stuck in an endless cycle of making little-to-no -improvement and then having to start all over again, never being able to make progress, ever.
And it's getting to the point where I feel like life is too hard and I CAN'T handle it at all. And the thing is, I know I have a pretty good life. Others have it so much worse than me, and I am constantly reminding myself of this. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse about feeling this way, I can't help it! I can't help but wish life was easier and that I didn't have to deal with this crapstorm of everything. And I just - I don't know what to do anymore.
So if any of you guys have words of advice, or even just words of encouragement or emotional support, please do tell me. I'm at a really low point right now and could really use the help. (And I hate asking for help as it it is, but please be gentle and not harsh with your responses as well. I'm a very fragile person. Especially in my current state of mind.)
I wasn't expecting to get so many responses, and so quickly too. It really means a lot to me that you're all willing to listen and help me out. I really don't know how to thank you all enough. But please know, it truly does mean a lot to me. 
Always ping me please. 
Tumbleweed