Or at least, that's what we can all safely assume since he's become sickly and bedridden and needs pretty much round the clock care, is on morphine, etc etc. He's also a hundred. Literally, turned one hundred not too long ago, and his health has been steadily declining since he hit his 90s.
And here's the thing: I don't wanna go see him. Not like this, not at this stage of my life, not under these circumstances. Not only am I very uncomfortable with the idea of visiting over there right now for several reasons that I won't get into here (but let's just say it would be extremely unpleasant for me even on a good day), but that is not how I want to remember him. The last time I saw him was at his hundredth birthday party. He was happy, able to get around at least a little, telling stories and playing his harmonica. And he didn't recognize me at the party. I made my peace then and there with that being the last I'd see of him.
I'm supposed to be moving out soon, but there have been delays on top of delays with getting my house ready, so I'm currently stuck living with my grandma. I can't avoid the topic; she will come find me in my room and tell me all about it. I have to see and interact with her whether I like it or not, and whatever she's doing, I don't have a choice but to be part of because I'm stuck in this house. Maybe what I'm saying sounds insensitive, but I do not have a good relationship with anyone in my family. I love my great grandparents, but I haven't been "close" to them since I was a little kid. They don't really know me any more; no one in my family does. And no on in my family tries to get to know me, and I'm fine with that as long as I can go on my way and do my own thing. But this sort of thing forces me to be right in the middle of something I really can't handle and want no part of.
He's not alone. The family members who see and talk to him on a regular basis, whom he actually knows and recognizes, are with him every day. I'm an outsider in this family, and the only reason I'm even visible in the margins is because I can't afford rent anywhere else and have to wait here until my house is ready and I can finally leave everyone and everything behind for good.
My mom sent me a text message today basically trying to guilt me into going to visit him, with the old "If you ever want to see him alive again..." But I saw him alive at his party. He's barely living now. I don't want my last memory of him to be a dying husk of a man hooked up to tubes in a hospital bed, looking at me but not knowing me. I can't do it. And I shouldn't have to. But I don't know how to avoid it without bringing more guilt and tears from her and my grandma. I only have the excuse of being at work four to five days a week.
I want to get away from all of this, and all of them, so badly it's making me sick.
But what am I supposed to do? I'm barely clinging to my job as it is; I have my own issues that I'm dealing with right now, that no one else really cares about but me, that are causing my life to fall apart around me. I really wanted to be moved out before this happened so I wouldn't have to be in the middle of it and forced to put myself through that not even for his sake or my own, but for the sake of shutting up family members I don't want anything to do with. That's not a good reason to do anything, much less this. But that's the only reason I'd go: to avoid hearing for weeks on end about how I "didn't go visit Pop on this deathbed". I DON'T WANT TO.
I don't know what to do. I just want away from all of this.