I had earlier in my time here posted a thread about my long distance boyfriend and some issues I was having with a possible poly relationship with him. What I didn't say was that he was emotionally abusive and manipulative, and most likely would have become physically abusive had he come here to live with me. I was already having issues with him a few days before I broke up with him, but what really made me realize he was abusive was when I spoke to his other girlfriend.

He was treating her the same, if not worse than he was treating me. They had been dating long distance for a little over a year, so I can only imagine how horrible he was to her. Once she and I started comparing notes, I realized that he was incredibly abusive and viscious. I told her that we both needed to leave him and block him from our lives, for our own safety.

And so we did.

But it was hard. I had a panic attack and he yelled at us on mic for three hours, blaming everything on us, and taking none of the blame himself. I was only with him for three weeks or so, but in that time he really got to me. I've been doubting myself more lately, I self harmed, I've been drinking a lot. And no, I realize that it's not all him. I am to blame, too.

The thing that makes me sadder than anything else is that when we met, he was a completely different person. He faked a personality to get me attached to him, and then when he felt that I was really into him and wouldn't leave him, he showed who he really was. I guess he didn't take into account that I grew up in an abusive household and refused to have that for myself.

He really tore me down and made me feel like nothing. He made me feel like my anxieties and insecurities aren't worth having, like my mental issues are bullshit and I'm an idiot for ever having any type of bad day. He made me feel like I wasted his time when I wanted to get on cam with him or text him every day, like I was a shitty girlfriend for wanting to cuddle and spend time with him... Like I was asking too much from him. He could be upset whenever he wanted, and I couldn't say or do anything but comfort him. But if I didn't give him the right response, he would get even more upset and tell me I was an asshole and wasn't supporting him properly. Then he would leave and ignore me for hours.

But I wasn't allowed to be upset. My life was fine, because he was in it. He made all my problems go away, so I wasn't allowed to be sad or angry or have anxiety. He got mad when I would get upset and tell him I needed to go and have time to myself-- but I only did that because when I had any kind of emotion other than happiness or some type of sexual thing, he would say I was being dramatic and stupid. I wasn't allowed to not tell him things, even if they made him angry. I wasn't allowed to talk to other guys or talk about my very recent ex. I wasn't allowed to say no to him.

He persuaded me into sending photos of myself and doing things I didn't want to do by begging and pleading and being sad or angry until I did it. He told me he was putting so much time aside for me and I wasn't appreciating it and I wasn't being a good enough girlfriend.

All of this... all of this in three weeks, and I know he's a shitty person... But I miss him. I miss him and I hate myself for it. I don't want to miss him. I want to hate him. But I can't. I blocked him on everything, but the urge to unblock him and go running back to him is strong. I want to apologize and tell him I'll never do it again. But I know I shouldn't. I know he hates me now. And that makes me sad, too.

What's wrong with me? I don't really know why I wanted to post this.. I guess I just really needed to get it out there and I just want to know if I'm as stupid as I feel. I'm so emotional right now and I have no idea what to do anymore.

Thank you for reading.

I'm still in contact with her. She and I have agreed to stay friends. We've really bonded over this, and I'm doing my best to keep her from going back, as well as battling it myself. I want her to be safe.

What I would look at, if I were you or your friend, if you can get a restraining order against him. He just shouted at you, but, in many cases, they start with that first and then, after a few drinks, it will get worse. With the restraining order you can legally tell him to go to hell and, if anything ever happens, they know who to look for.

@gayspacetrash: I agree with everyone on here. Abusive people will beat you down and its a ploy to get you to feel like they're the only ones who would like you or want you. It tricks you into thinking you're better with them.

I was with a woman who abused me for over 9 years (yes, men do get abused by women to). I had to leave because I finally saw how awful she was. She knew I was weak when we started, considering my late wife had just died and I was desperate to be loved...to fill a void.
So, I get how you feel and there's absolutely nothing wrong with you. He's manipulated your mind into thinking you need him and you miss the idea of him and perhaps your a bit lonely ( ? ) but you should stay away, for your own benefit. You don't need him and I hope you don't fall for the mind trick. If you need someone to talk to who's been there before, you can pm me.
Stay strong. I wish you luck. -hug-

@GaySpaceTrash: Just warning you now, I am not too good with helping, but I am trying my best for you, dear! <3

When an ex is emotionally manipulative, they turn your mind and make you think you need them when you don't.
My boyfriend at the moment was in 6 abusive relationships before he got with me, I got to hear everything he went thought, which was horrible.
When he got with me, he thought I was going to hurt him too, and I remember he told me that he loved them even tho they hurt him.
But after being with him for a long while and teaching him actual love, he realized how wrong he was for ever loving them, now all he does is talk bad about them and have no sympathy for them what so ever.
So from my experience, you will feel this strong desire and love for your ex for a while but you will grow to realize that ''wow, why did I ever feel that way?''.
You are so strong for getting out of that relationship, however, and that is just the first step into your recovery, it's a bumpy road, but you will make it and those feelings will go away eventually <3