Lithinel's posts
Posted in Turtle Sensei's Art Shop (open)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@turtle sensei: Ahh! Thank you so much. And no worries at all, I will definitely remember to ping you from now on. I'll start the trade awhile and you can just accept whenever.
And Legolas is awfully amazing. It's hard not to love him.
And Legolas is awfully amazing. It's hard not to love him.
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@totalanimefan: Thank you so much. And oh, no worries. You didn't come across as harsh at all. :)
@SirLionelNigelConrad: Thank you so much for commenting. And I'm not so sure what you mean "what am I willing to sacrifice" I don't really see that I have too much to lose, as long as it doesn't change my personality too much.
@SirLionelNigelConrad: Thank you so much for commenting. And I'm not so sure what you mean "what am I willing to sacrifice" I don't really see that I have too much to lose, as long as it doesn't change my personality too much.
Posted in Turtle Sensei's Art Shop (open)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
If you're alright with drawing Canon x OC couples I would like to have my LotR OC, Lithorniel drawn with Legolas please. Or rather, modern versions of them instead of their traditional Middle Earth selves. And could you please depict her as pregnant? (Not exactly mildly sexual, just implied.)
I would like it to be a colored waist up please!
As far as how preggo you'd like my character to be, that's up to you. As long as she has a noticeable bump please.
Refs (Please use one of Legolas' modern hairstyles, shown in his first two pics)
Lith
Legolas
Personality Inforrmation
Lith
- Sweet
- Kind
- Shy
- Awkward
- Compassionate
- Loyal
- Insecure
- Gets flustered easily and blushes a lot.
Legolas
- Kind
- Confident
- Stubborn
- Sassy
- Protective
- A bit of a jerk/patronizing sometimes
- Sweet
- Loyal
- Competitive
- A bit mischievous/rebellious
Relationship Information
- Legolas tends to be very protective of Lith. Sometimes a little too protective to the point where he will threaten or seriously injure someone he feels in threat to her.
- Legolas is VERY flirtatious and suggestive towards Lith and teases her A LOT both in suggestive and non-suggestive ways. But it is always in an affectionate manner, never a mean or demeaning way.
- Their relationship is overall a very affectionate one. They rarely argue or get into fights. This doesn't mean they never have their disagreements since they do, but it never blows up to the point wherein it threatens to tear them apart.
- Legolas is usually anywhere from 4-8 years older than Lith. I tend to portray Lith between the ages of 18-23 and Legolas in his early to mid twenties, depending on Lith's age and their gap in the specific AU.
- Lith is often the insecure one in their relationship, feeling that she doesn't deserve Legolas and often needs to be reassured of his love for her. This would only be heightened when she's pregnant.
Clothing Options
Lith
Legolas
Body Types (Well, Lith's pre-pregnancy body)
[/spoiler]
And here's a better hair color reference for Lith
Offer: These items (most of which have a green toned recolor to them)
- Vyctor's Horns (Worth 1k Volts)
- Vontell's Book (Worth 800 Volts)
- Viv's Flower (Worth 800 Volts)
- Heart Hairpins [Sea] (150 Volts in shop)
- Suspender Skirt [Sea] (550 Volts in shop)
- Acrobat (Worth 500 Volts)
- Reaping Ritual 17' Goody Bag (Worth 350 Volts)
- Cupcake Bucket Anniversary Goody Bag (Worth 500 Volts)
- Candy Corn Witch Hat (Worth 350 Volts)
- Reaper Smile (Worth 350 Volts)
3k in Volts for a total of about 8,350 volts.
Please let me know if this offer is not enough, I can raise it if need be. Or if there are any items you already have/aren't interested in.
Also, if you pick the varsity jacket for Legolas, please make the letter S into an R instead. The pose is totally up to you. As long as it's sweet and romantic please.
I would like it to be a colored waist up please!
As far as how preggo you'd like my character to be, that's up to you. As long as she has a noticeable bump please.
Refs (Please use one of Legolas' modern hairstyles, shown in his first two pics)
Lith
Legolas
Personality Inforrmation
Lith
- Sweet
- Kind
- Shy
- Awkward
- Compassionate
- Loyal
- Insecure
- Gets flustered easily and blushes a lot.
Legolas
- Kind
- Confident
- Stubborn
- Sassy
- Protective
- A bit of a jerk/patronizing sometimes
- Sweet
- Loyal
- Competitive
- A bit mischievous/rebellious
Relationship Information
- Legolas tends to be very protective of Lith. Sometimes a little too protective to the point where he will threaten or seriously injure someone he feels in threat to her.
- Legolas is VERY flirtatious and suggestive towards Lith and teases her A LOT both in suggestive and non-suggestive ways. But it is always in an affectionate manner, never a mean or demeaning way.
- Their relationship is overall a very affectionate one. They rarely argue or get into fights. This doesn't mean they never have their disagreements since they do, but it never blows up to the point wherein it threatens to tear them apart.
- Legolas is usually anywhere from 4-8 years older than Lith. I tend to portray Lith between the ages of 18-23 and Legolas in his early to mid twenties, depending on Lith's age and their gap in the specific AU.
- Lith is often the insecure one in their relationship, feeling that she doesn't deserve Legolas and often needs to be reassured of his love for her. This would only be heightened when she's pregnant.
Clothing Options
Lith
Legolas
Body Types (Well, Lith's pre-pregnancy body)
[/spoiler]
And here's a better hair color reference for Lith
Offer: These items (most of which have a green toned recolor to them)
- Vyctor's Horns (Worth 1k Volts)
- Vontell's Book (Worth 800 Volts)
- Viv's Flower (Worth 800 Volts)
- Heart Hairpins [Sea] (150 Volts in shop)
- Suspender Skirt [Sea] (550 Volts in shop)
- Acrobat (Worth 500 Volts)
- Reaping Ritual 17' Goody Bag (Worth 350 Volts)
- Cupcake Bucket Anniversary Goody Bag (Worth 500 Volts)
- Candy Corn Witch Hat (Worth 350 Volts)
- Reaper Smile (Worth 350 Volts)
3k in Volts for a total of about 8,350 volts.
Please let me know if this offer is not enough, I can raise it if need be. Or if there are any items you already have/aren't interested in.
Also, if you pick the varsity jacket for Legolas, please make the letter S into an R instead. The pose is totally up to you. As long as it's sweet and romantic please.
Posted in Sae la Vie Gallery and Store [FULL]
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@saeyra: Ahh! Thank you so much! I'll definitely be looking forward to getting a notification when it's open.
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@saeyra: I mean, my insurance does pay for my therapy and medications. But I'm only able to see interns (which rarely stay more than a year) and only able to get certain medications because that's all my insurance will allow. And paying for any of that outside of insurance would be really expensive. And society is money-hungry so they aren't just going to make things more affordable or convenient for those of us who truly need the help. They're just in it to make as much money as possible. :(
Thank you so so much, for saying all of that. You honestly have no idea how much it means to hear those words. Even though my brain doesn't always believe it, it means a lot to hear nonetheless. Like, I really don't think I could thank you enough.
@totalanimefan: That's what I'd like to do, and my therapist is trying to be as cooperative as possible, but I still feel she's pushing me too fast. I'm also glad to hear that you like your current therapist though.
@priestess of pie: Thank you so much for your advice. That seems like a good way of going about it. Just tying to think of one thing I like about myself at a time, or try to imagine myself as a different person.
Thank you so so much, for saying all of that. You honestly have no idea how much it means to hear those words. Even though my brain doesn't always believe it, it means a lot to hear nonetheless. Like, I really don't think I could thank you enough.
@totalanimefan: That's what I'd like to do, and my therapist is trying to be as cooperative as possible, but I still feel she's pushing me too fast. I'm also glad to hear that you like your current therapist though.
@priestess of pie: Thank you so much for your advice. That seems like a good way of going about it. Just tying to think of one thing I like about myself at a time, or try to imagine myself as a different person.
Posted in Sae la Vie Gallery and Store [FULL]
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@saeyra: Of course! And yes, please. That would be absolutely lovely. I am in love with your art and it would be a huge help if you could do that.
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@totalanimefan: It's not my therapist I have a problem with, I actually quite like her and I'm starting to find it easier to talk to her. It's just the actually going to therapy itself and the process of everything. It's moving way too fast, for one. I've just started getting more comfortable with her, but we're already moving onto the exposure part of therapy. I don't know if that's because of her or if it's supervisor telling her she has to push me. Granted we're starting out small, but it still feels like it's going way too fast. I've brought this up to her and she is willing to modify her original plans for me to make it easier. But even that's not helping honestly. It's way too much, too fast. And I only have until June to make any progress with her, because then by default, I'm going to end up switching to someone new. And the entire process is going to end up starting all over again and I'll lose any progress I've made, because I'll have to get used to someone new all over again. And then, knowing my luck, by the time I'm comfortable with them, they'll end up leaving, and I'll be going back to the beginning once AGAIN. And I think, knowing that she'll only be around to June is making me want to quit even more now, because I've already been through the progress of switching therapists once and I don't want to have to go through that all over again. :/
@priestess of pie: That's actually a pretty good theory all-in-all and I would say you definitely bring up a good point, but I'm not so sure if that's true for my case or not. I tend to have a lot of trouble opening up to people (especially strangers) which is why I hate having to start the whole therapy process over again every time one of my therapists' internships ends. I can relate to the part about not wanting to worry friends and family though. So I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe because I felt like I truly had no where else to turn to, and this is one of my safe places?
And thank you so much for saying that. I think one of my biggest problems in being able to realize that is probably my lack of self-love, and I have no idea how to gain that.
@priestess of pie: That's actually a pretty good theory all-in-all and I would say you definitely bring up a good point, but I'm not so sure if that's true for my case or not. I tend to have a lot of trouble opening up to people (especially strangers) which is why I hate having to start the whole therapy process over again every time one of my therapists' internships ends. I can relate to the part about not wanting to worry friends and family though. So I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe because I felt like I truly had no where else to turn to, and this is one of my safe places?
And thank you so much for saying that. I think one of my biggest problems in being able to realize that is probably my lack of self-love, and I have no idea how to gain that.
Posted in Sae la Vie Gallery and Store [FULL]
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@Saeyra: You're very welcome. I mean it too! 
And I truly hope that I can order even more of your art someday, because it is truly amazing. And perfect for so many of my characters. (Though no worries, I'm not going to throw everyone at you at once. lol.) And thank you so much. I hope you have a Merry Christmas as well. It came around awfully quick, but I'm glad I was able to come back in time as well. -Hugs -
And I truly hope that I can order even more of your art someday, because it is truly amazing. And perfect for so many of my characters. (Though no worries, I'm not going to throw everyone at you at once. lol.) And thank you so much. I hope you have a Merry Christmas as well. It came around awfully quick, but I'm glad I was able to come back in time as well. -Hugs -
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@saeyra: Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. Even if you don't have much advice to offer, just the support alone truly means a lot. So really, thank you for your kind words, support, and for saying I'm a great person in your eyes. This is honestly one of the things I suffer with most with my depression, is accepting that I'm worthy of love, and care. Maybe, (hopefully) hearing it enough will eventually sink in. Maybe I need to practice self-love first, I'm not really sure. I don't even know how to do that to be honest.
@bioshock: Thank you so much for commenting, and for all of the helpful advice. It really does mean a lot to know that so many people on here are willing to help me out. Even those I've not really talked to much as of yet. I hope I can eventually find a more stable psychiatric professional as well, but where I live, they're very hard to come by as it is. Much less trying to find one that might actually be helpful. The system really isn't the greatest, but that's about all I have to work with right now.
I am aware that it is indeed to take precautions with how much oils to use, but it never hurts to have a reminder, so thank you for doing just that. I have a couple of book sources on aromatherapy and essential oils, and when making a topical blend, I always make sure to follow dilution guides. And I definitely plan on doing the same once I start diffusing as well.
There are so many days when all I want to do is just stay in bed and sleep the day away. So I think will definitely take your advice of trying to force myself into a routine of some sort and focusing a little more on self-care. I've even considered the possibility of treating myself to a bath with some essential oils in it maybe once a week, but I'm not sure what would be the best way to dilute them for that purpose.
Thanks so much for all of the encouragement as well, I do try to hang in there, but some days are so much harder than others. That's why I ended up starting this thread, honestly.Because I was feeling at one of my lowest points yesterday after the huge baking incident, that I literally didn't know what to do. And honestly, the support I'm getting from all my fellow Volties is honestly a huge help (even if my brain can't always accept some of the kind words being said to me) Especially since my other friends are busy and I haven't had the chance to see them or talk to them for away. I've even thought of reaching out to other classmates who I haven't seen in years, but don't want it seem too random or weird. Like, I feel more comfortable coming on here to share my thoughts. Probably because I have spoken with so many of the users here and have found this to be a super accepting and supportive community.
This is honestly one of the things I suffer with most with my depression, is accepting that I'm worthy of love, and care. Maybe, (hopefully) hearing it enough will eventually sink in. Maybe I need to practice self-love first, I'm not really sure. I don't even know how to do that to be honest. @bioshock: Thank you so much for commenting, and for all of the helpful advice. It really does mean a lot to know that so many people on here are willing to help me out. Even those I've not really talked to much as of yet. I hope I can eventually find a more stable psychiatric professional as well, but where I live, they're very hard to come by as it is. Much less trying to find one that might actually be helpful. The system really isn't the greatest, but that's about all I have to work with right now.
I am aware that it is indeed to take precautions with how much oils to use, but it never hurts to have a reminder, so thank you for doing just that. I have a couple of book sources on aromatherapy and essential oils, and when making a topical blend, I always make sure to follow dilution guides. And I definitely plan on doing the same once I start diffusing as well.
There are so many days when all I want to do is just stay in bed and sleep the day away. So I think will definitely take your advice of trying to force myself into a routine of some sort and focusing a little more on self-care. I've even considered the possibility of treating myself to a bath with some essential oils in it maybe once a week, but I'm not sure what would be the best way to dilute them for that purpose.
Thanks so much for all of the encouragement as well, I do try to hang in there, but some days are so much harder than others. That's why I ended up starting this thread, honestly.Because I was feeling at one of my lowest points yesterday after the huge baking incident, that I literally didn't know what to do. And honestly, the support I'm getting from all my fellow Volties is honestly a huge help (even if my brain can't always accept some of the kind words being said to me) Especially since my other friends are busy and I haven't had the chance to see them or talk to them for away. I've even thought of reaching out to other classmates who I haven't seen in years, but don't want it seem too random or weird. Like, I feel more comfortable coming on here to share my thoughts. Probably because I have spoken with so many of the users here and have found this to be a super accepting and supportive community.
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
Before I start to replying to anybody individually I wanted to say: Thank you all so much for the support so far. I wasn't expecting to get so many responses, and so quickly too. It really means a lot to me that you're all willing to listen and help me out. I really don't know how to thank you all enough. But please know, it truly does mean a lot to me.
@priestess of pie: My therapist has actually had me analyze the root cause of anxiety, and while I seem to be able to do that, I know from the past experience with my last therapist that the most common types of relaxation (like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, etc) DON'T work for me. The deep breathing being especially unhelpful. Because when I do so and try focusing on my breathing, I actually start panicking and start thinking that I'll forget to breath because I'm so focused on trying to control it. So that's definitely not the best option. :/ I could always try the mindfulness I suppose though.
And thanks for the advice on looking into more therapists. I definitely agree it wouldn't hurt to look into, and My parents and I have discussed the possibility but haven't really made any offical decisions yet. My parents would probably be the ones having to pay for it, considering the only income I have coming in is $250 in Government funded money (Technically it's $750 but due to the rules, I owe my parents $500 of that for my share of bills and what not) since my anxiety is so severe, it's even stopping me from getting or looking for a job. I have a ton of different anxieties related to that aspect alone.
@glume: Thanks for sending me a PM, I'll definitely check it out in a little bit. And if you feel comfortable sharing your experience with me, feel free to go for it. I wouldn't want you to put yourself out of your comfort zone just to help me out though. So it's completely up to you.
@totalanimefan: Thank you. -Hugs back- I'm hoping to find something that will help me out soon, but so far I haven't had much luck. Therapy has been so unhelpful that I've seriously considered quitting, but I'm unable to do that due to my insurance, so I'm stuck going despite the fact it actually causes me even more anxiety. :/
@vengeance: Thanks for sending the pic Veng. :) I do have to admit it did make me smile a little bit.
@zaatarhoney: Thank you so much for kind words. Especially with saying that having anxiety isn't my fault. Especially since I feel that, a lot of the time, it IS. I'm a person who needs constant reassuring of everything whether it's that something isn't my fault, or that people actually do love and care about me. I hate that I have to ask those around me for that reassurance, but my mind honestly can't believe that there's anything good about me or that I'm worthy of any kind of love, despite the fact that I can see the good in everybody else.
As far as your questions about my anxiety and frustration regarding tasks, I think a lot of it has to do with the tasks themselves than anything else. And this stems from my NF1 and my lack of coordination. Ever since I was in elementary school, I've always had difficulties folding paper, or using scissors, tying my shoes, etc and even after years of TRYING, I've still made no improvement. I've never been able to ride bike, catch a ball, or anything like that. The fact that most daily tasks are already physically difficult for me by default is really distressing, add in the fact of trying to make sure they're done right, so as not to mess anything up and you have an emotional mess ready to blow pretty much. :/
I have indeed considered the possibility of using cbd oil, as have my parents. I'm not able to get medical marijuana prescribed to me by the state or anything like that, but I have been told that the oil can be purchased without a prescription. The only thing is, I don't know how much it costs or where I would be able to get it. So if you could give me some of this information as well, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
I wasn't expecting to get so many responses, and so quickly too. It really means a lot to me that you're all willing to listen and help me out. I really don't know how to thank you all enough. But please know, it truly does mean a lot to me. @priestess of pie: My therapist has actually had me analyze the root cause of anxiety, and while I seem to be able to do that, I know from the past experience with my last therapist that the most common types of relaxation (like deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, etc) DON'T work for me. The deep breathing being especially unhelpful. Because when I do so and try focusing on my breathing, I actually start panicking and start thinking that I'll forget to breath because I'm so focused on trying to control it. So that's definitely not the best option. :/ I could always try the mindfulness I suppose though.
And thanks for the advice on looking into more therapists. I definitely agree it wouldn't hurt to look into, and My parents and I have discussed the possibility but haven't really made any offical decisions yet. My parents would probably be the ones having to pay for it, considering the only income I have coming in is $250 in Government funded money (Technically it's $750 but due to the rules, I owe my parents $500 of that for my share of bills and what not) since my anxiety is so severe, it's even stopping me from getting or looking for a job. I have a ton of different anxieties related to that aspect alone.
@glume: Thanks for sending me a PM, I'll definitely check it out in a little bit. And if you feel comfortable sharing your experience with me, feel free to go for it. I wouldn't want you to put yourself out of your comfort zone just to help me out though. So it's completely up to you.
@totalanimefan: Thank you. -Hugs back- I'm hoping to find something that will help me out soon, but so far I haven't had much luck. Therapy has been so unhelpful that I've seriously considered quitting, but I'm unable to do that due to my insurance, so I'm stuck going despite the fact it actually causes me even more anxiety. :/
@vengeance: Thanks for sending the pic Veng. :) I do have to admit it did make me smile a little bit.
@zaatarhoney: Thank you so much for kind words. Especially with saying that having anxiety isn't my fault. Especially since I feel that, a lot of the time, it IS. I'm a person who needs constant reassuring of everything whether it's that something isn't my fault, or that people actually do love and care about me. I hate that I have to ask those around me for that reassurance, but my mind honestly can't believe that there's anything good about me or that I'm worthy of any kind of love, despite the fact that I can see the good in everybody else.
As far as your questions about my anxiety and frustration regarding tasks, I think a lot of it has to do with the tasks themselves than anything else. And this stems from my NF1 and my lack of coordination. Ever since I was in elementary school, I've always had difficulties folding paper, or using scissors, tying my shoes, etc and even after years of TRYING, I've still made no improvement. I've never been able to ride bike, catch a ball, or anything like that. The fact that most daily tasks are already physically difficult for me by default is really distressing, add in the fact of trying to make sure they're done right, so as not to mess anything up and you have an emotional mess ready to blow pretty much. :/
I have indeed considered the possibility of using cbd oil, as have my parents. I'm not able to get medical marijuana prescribed to me by the state or anything like that, but I have been told that the oil can be purchased without a prescription. The only thing is, I don't know how much it costs or where I would be able to get it. So if you could give me some of this information as well, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks in advance.
Posted in Sae la Vie Gallery and Store [FULL]
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@saeyra: Oh nice! The Secret Santa thing really sounds fun. I'm sure whoever you got assigned to draw art for will love it! <3 You're one of the best artists on this site.
Posted in Sae la Vie Gallery and Store [FULL]
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
Hey! It's been an awful long time since I've posted here. But um, how is everyone doing? :)
Posted in im new to voltra~!
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
@zaatarhoney: Of course! Voltra is really a great and welcoming community. One of the very few places online where I've experienced or witnessed like no drama whatsoever. I hope that you'll stick around here for at least a little while.
Posted in I hate to be this person...but I could use some emotional support, please! (Long Post)
Posted 6 years ago
November 2017 - February 2018
As I mentioned in my title, I really do hate to be this person, especially since I feel like I'm just being an attention seeker, but...I could really use some emotional support right now. I've been going through a really rough mentally and I feel like I have no one to talk to. I don't go to therapy until after the new year and all of my friends are so busy due to the holidays. It's very rare for me to reach out to people I don't know, especially on a site like this - but I have no other option. I REALLY need someone to talk to. I'm feeling entirely hopeless and unable to handle anything at all right now. So I'd really appreciate anyone who's willing to listen and help me out.
I'm going to start out by saying, I have severe anxiety, depression, and neurofibromatosis (NF1) all rolled into one ball. And all of which makes my life very difficult. Although I would say the anxiety and depression are much worse and more deliberating. For my NF1, which is a neurological disorder and makes anything that requires coordination very difficult all I can really do is get yearly MRIs to monitor it. Not much else I can do there, there is no cure and I'm stuck with dealing with it forever.
For my depression and anxiety, I've already tried therapy (I'm on my second therapist already) and I've been on multiple medications, but neither of those options are helping me at all. Therapy is completely useless, and I'm not sure if the medication not working is just due to it not being the right one, or a high enough dosage, but I definitely don't see it working at all. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've found essential oils and crystals to be much more helpful than either of those two. But I'm still quite new to the world of essential oils at least, so, I don't know which essential oils and crystals are best for my needs, or what kinds work best together.
I'd be here all day if I tried making a list of everything that gives me anxiety, so I'm just going to quite honestly say that almost everything causes me anxiety or stress to some degree, and I'm not even exaggerating. There is very little that DOESN'T give me anxiety. Pretty much if I'm not reading, writing, watching tv, playing online, playing with my cats, or doing something related to my spirituality, Wicca (which includes things with essential oil and crystals), it's going to give me SOME kind of anxiety. I know it's probably just me, but even seemingly "simple things"- like helping my parents with wrapping Christmas presents, or helping out with putting cookie ingredients into the bowel and are extremely frustrating to me, and cause me loads of anxiety. I've already had to quit helping them multiple times this holiday season, because of this.
And although my parents try to be very understanding with my anxiety most of the time (which I really appreciate) in these situations they tried pulling the whole "you just don't want to help us anymore" and "your computer is more important" cards on me, or accuse me of not even trying. But what they don't understand (despite how many times I try to explain it to them) is that I AM in fact trying, but it's just not going right and that the ONLY way I can prevent the situation from getting worse and completely going off the deep end or blowing a fuse is by removing myself from the situation. But then after I do that, I immediately end up feeling guilty and like I'm a terrible daughter for not doing more to help, despite doing the best I can.
My therapist (probably like all therapists) is constantly stressing that "avoidance isn't the answer" and that "you have to stop avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, and face the anxiety." But the thing is, whenever I try to do that, and the longer I stay in the situation, the WORSE it gets. The anxiety just keeps building up and up until I have a mental breakdown, which then causes me MORE depression because I end up feeling worthless and like a total failure due to not being able to succeed in the situation. You get where I'm going here?
Because I have so much anxiety holding me back from everything, I have a lot a depression too. But at the same time, every time I try to face one of my anxieties and fail, that also causes me depression, which causes me to give up and not bother trying again. Because what's the point of trying if I'm only going to fail again? It's just going to cause me more anxiety and depression and it won't help me at all.
I'll admit that I hold myself to perfectionist (and unrealistic) standards and my therapist is trying to help me with that, and get me to know that making mistakes is okay, but so far I haven't made much progress on that at all. To me, if I screw up or make a mistake, I'm still worthless and good-for-nothing. And there's the worst part, I only have until June with my current (and second) therapist, since that's when her internship ends, and I'll have to end up getting another new therapist yet again, throwing me back to square one yet AGAIN. So even IF by some miracle I made any progress, all of that would be completely washed down the drain and I'd end up having to start all over again, because I've finally started becoming more comfortable with my therapist (after five months of seeing her.) It takes me awhile to get comfortable enough with people and trust them, so the fact that I was finally getting to that point with my therapist was a HUGE thing to me. And now to find out, all of that is going to be taken away come June freaking sucks.
And well, this brings me to the next thing. I've had a lot of instability in my social life. I was bounced between three different elementary/primary schools (albeit in the same school district.) Even when I was little, I had trouble making friends and it took me awhile to get close to people, so just when I would make friends with somebody, I would end up losing them due to having to go to a new school with people I didn't know and having to start all over again. My social life stabilized for a few years in high school, (since all elementary schools in my district went to the same high school) and I was able to make friends that I was close enough to hang out with even outside of school and go on trips with. But now that I've been out of my school for about two and a half years and my friends are either going to college far away, or busy with their own lives whether it be with jobs, relationships, or kids, I'm losing that stability I once had again, and it honestly hurts like hell. The only lasting stability in my life I've ever really had is my family, and with my parents getting older (ages 63 and 58) so I'm not sure how much longer even that part of my life will be stable. Hopefully for another 20+ years, but life is very unpredictable so it's hard to say. And as I pretty much stated above, there's no stability in therapy (which is supposed to be helping me) either and I think that's a big portion of the reason I haven't made any improvement since leaving high school, and sadly it seems that there's nothing that I, or my parents can do about it.
My insurance will only allow me to see interns (who rarely stay more than a year) and there's no way we'll be able to afford a licensed therapist (who would likely be more stable) without insurance because it's so expensive to get help here in the US. And because it takes me awhile ti open up anyone, including therapists, I'm just going to be stuck in an endless cycle of making little-to-no -improvement and then having to start all over again, never being able to make progress, ever.
And it's getting to the point where I feel like life is too hard and I CAN'T handle it at all. And the thing is, I know I have a pretty good life. Others have it so much worse than me, and I am constantly reminding myself of this. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse about feeling this way, I can't help it! I can't help but wish life was easier and that I didn't have to deal with this crapstorm of everything. And I just - I don't know what to do anymore.
So if any of you guys have words of advice, or even just words of encouragement or emotional support, please do tell me. I'm at a really low point right now and could really use the help. (And I hate asking for help as it it is, but please be gentle and not harsh with your responses as well. I'm a very fragile person. Especially in my current state of mind.)
I'm going to start out by saying, I have severe anxiety, depression, and neurofibromatosis (NF1) all rolled into one ball. And all of which makes my life very difficult. Although I would say the anxiety and depression are much worse and more deliberating. For my NF1, which is a neurological disorder and makes anything that requires coordination very difficult all I can really do is get yearly MRIs to monitor it. Not much else I can do there, there is no cure and I'm stuck with dealing with it forever.
For my depression and anxiety, I've already tried therapy (I'm on my second therapist already) and I've been on multiple medications, but neither of those options are helping me at all. Therapy is completely useless, and I'm not sure if the medication not working is just due to it not being the right one, or a high enough dosage, but I definitely don't see it working at all. Actually, if I'm being completely honest, I've found essential oils and crystals to be much more helpful than either of those two. But I'm still quite new to the world of essential oils at least, so, I don't know which essential oils and crystals are best for my needs, or what kinds work best together.
I'd be here all day if I tried making a list of everything that gives me anxiety, so I'm just going to quite honestly say that almost everything causes me anxiety or stress to some degree, and I'm not even exaggerating. There is very little that DOESN'T give me anxiety. Pretty much if I'm not reading, writing, watching tv, playing online, playing with my cats, or doing something related to my spirituality, Wicca (which includes things with essential oil and crystals), it's going to give me SOME kind of anxiety. I know it's probably just me, but even seemingly "simple things"- like helping my parents with wrapping Christmas presents, or helping out with putting cookie ingredients into the bowel and are extremely frustrating to me, and cause me loads of anxiety. I've already had to quit helping them multiple times this holiday season, because of this.
And although my parents try to be very understanding with my anxiety most of the time (which I really appreciate) in these situations they tried pulling the whole "you just don't want to help us anymore" and "your computer is more important" cards on me, or accuse me of not even trying. But what they don't understand (despite how many times I try to explain it to them) is that I AM in fact trying, but it's just not going right and that the ONLY way I can prevent the situation from getting worse and completely going off the deep end or blowing a fuse is by removing myself from the situation. But then after I do that, I immediately end up feeling guilty and like I'm a terrible daughter for not doing more to help, despite doing the best I can.
My therapist (probably like all therapists) is constantly stressing that "avoidance isn't the answer" and that "you have to stop avoiding anxiety-provoking situations, and face the anxiety." But the thing is, whenever I try to do that, and the longer I stay in the situation, the WORSE it gets. The anxiety just keeps building up and up until I have a mental breakdown, which then causes me MORE depression because I end up feeling worthless and like a total failure due to not being able to succeed in the situation. You get where I'm going here?
Because I have so much anxiety holding me back from everything, I have a lot a depression too. But at the same time, every time I try to face one of my anxieties and fail, that also causes me depression, which causes me to give up and not bother trying again. Because what's the point of trying if I'm only going to fail again? It's just going to cause me more anxiety and depression and it won't help me at all.
I'll admit that I hold myself to perfectionist (and unrealistic) standards and my therapist is trying to help me with that, and get me to know that making mistakes is okay, but so far I haven't made much progress on that at all. To me, if I screw up or make a mistake, I'm still worthless and good-for-nothing. And there's the worst part, I only have until June with my current (and second) therapist, since that's when her internship ends, and I'll have to end up getting another new therapist yet again, throwing me back to square one yet AGAIN. So even IF by some miracle I made any progress, all of that would be completely washed down the drain and I'd end up having to start all over again, because I've finally started becoming more comfortable with my therapist (after five months of seeing her.) It takes me awhile to get comfortable enough with people and trust them, so the fact that I was finally getting to that point with my therapist was a HUGE thing to me. And now to find out, all of that is going to be taken away come June freaking sucks.
And well, this brings me to the next thing. I've had a lot of instability in my social life. I was bounced between three different elementary/primary schools (albeit in the same school district.) Even when I was little, I had trouble making friends and it took me awhile to get close to people, so just when I would make friends with somebody, I would end up losing them due to having to go to a new school with people I didn't know and having to start all over again. My social life stabilized for a few years in high school, (since all elementary schools in my district went to the same high school) and I was able to make friends that I was close enough to hang out with even outside of school and go on trips with. But now that I've been out of my school for about two and a half years and my friends are either going to college far away, or busy with their own lives whether it be with jobs, relationships, or kids, I'm losing that stability I once had again, and it honestly hurts like hell. The only lasting stability in my life I've ever really had is my family, and with my parents getting older (ages 63 and 58) so I'm not sure how much longer even that part of my life will be stable. Hopefully for another 20+ years, but life is very unpredictable so it's hard to say. And as I pretty much stated above, there's no stability in therapy (which is supposed to be helping me) either and I think that's a big portion of the reason I haven't made any improvement since leaving high school, and sadly it seems that there's nothing that I, or my parents can do about it.
My insurance will only allow me to see interns (who rarely stay more than a year) and there's no way we'll be able to afford a licensed therapist (who would likely be more stable) without insurance because it's so expensive to get help here in the US. And because it takes me awhile ti open up anyone, including therapists, I'm just going to be stuck in an endless cycle of making little-to-no -improvement and then having to start all over again, never being able to make progress, ever.
And it's getting to the point where I feel like life is too hard and I CAN'T handle it at all. And the thing is, I know I have a pretty good life. Others have it so much worse than me, and I am constantly reminding myself of this. Which, of course, only makes me feel worse about feeling this way, I can't help it! I can't help but wish life was easier and that I didn't have to deal with this crapstorm of everything. And I just - I don't know what to do anymore.
So if any of you guys have words of advice, or even just words of encouragement or emotional support, please do tell me. I'm at a really low point right now and could really use the help. (And I hate asking for help as it it is, but please be gentle and not harsh with your responses as well. I'm a very fragile person. Especially in my current state of mind.)