I'm going to attempt this. I don't expect people to reply or have input or anything. I simply want to get some ranting out. See how I handle it.

I'll probably come back and continue with more ranting as Ianage to handle more. I've really missed hanging out on voltra. It was a home. But now I feel like a stranger.
It doesn't help that my social anxiety has been running at an ultimate high. I've been struggling to talk to anyone. I'm scared to tell anyone my feelings. My worries. My stresses.

I'm terrified that people will assume I'm attention seeking. Or making things up. Or being dramatic. Or lying. Or just, in general negative things that I never intend. It hurts so badly when people assume the worst about me.

For example recently I was working on a contract to get paid for art. I was told one thing about someone. Made a comment about that one thing. And was told that I was wrong about that one thing and that it was never a thing and how dare I assume that thing. And then I was fired before the hiring process was complete because they assumed I was a jerk. It hurt..... Alot....
And it was a friend's sister. And now I can't talk to that friend. Cause it brings up that pain again.

But it's not the only case of losing friends.
I don't know if I'm doing it. Or if it's happening because of outside factors. But it's been slowly adding up more and more until I feel like I'm drowning and can't handle talking to anyone at all.

A big one has been my husband. Or rather soon to be ex husband. He cut me off from my friends and family for the last 10 years. And Ive been so wrapped up in my pain and misery now. I can't tell what's real and what's not.

I can't tell who is a friend and who is going to hurt me next. I'm terrified of people. I don't trust anyone anymore. There is so much pain.

I'm working on healing. I'm trying. I want to have friends again and trust people. And come back to being able to socialize. But I can't reach out. And everyone has such busy lives that if there is people who would reach out to me, they don't do it often. Or think that I've just been ghosting them. Or being stuck up. Or something. Idk. I don't know . My life is very confusing right now. This is all I can rant right now because I'm starting to cry and my little one is sitting on the potty and needs me.

So I'll try to be back. I'll try to keep talking. I'll try to get my online social life back.

Another reason I haven't been around a lot is Covid (or the backstreet boys world tour. or whatever the game grumps call it xD). I have an absolute phobia of diseases, viruses, ect. It terrifies me. I have a weak immune system and seem to get sick so easily. I was petrified to leave the house. Especially with a newborn. The fear got so bad that I basically shut down and retreated into my proverbial turtle shell to hide from the world and everything that was so negative. I haven't had the copium available to deal with anything.
I've had to much to deal with in my life. I've been super strong and kept it all locked up inside. ANd I hit my breaking point.

AN unhappy marriage. Children that were clashing personalities with me and were treating me horribly because thats what they saw everyone else doing to me. and never seeing anyone else. Losing my support system. I shut down.

I couldn't talk to anyone anymore. It's very very hard to admit how weak i've become when i've always been the one that has to be the rock. the one supporting everyone as the foundation. My little foundation sank, and i needed help getting out.

annnnnd once again i'm gonna leave it at that for this post so i can wipe my tears off and refocus again. haha.

@Totalanimefan: I have the first vaccine but i haven't been able to get the boosters yet. I just haven't had the time. and i'm worried about getting sick from it and not being able to take care of my girls now as a single mom.


@Vegan: Thank you. And I have, yeah. I hadn't really acknowledged just how much I've been through in my life to myself either. It's been a lot to come to terms with, and try to heal, recover, and move past.

@Anarchist Beauty: thanks Ana. I'm trying to do my best to shake the stress and anxiety and get through the healing process

Well. I was following someone on twitch who was the first person I followed. And we've been hanging out and chatting for probably 10 years. We were having a great time. And then a member of the community said and did some really nasty things. and I called them out. But... they were precious and flirty, and so they got the vote of confidence. and so... I left the community. with a lot of pain and hurt. And Instead of creating more drama, I just send the mods and stuff a goodbye because i'd been around making emotes for the channel and everything for a long time.

He was one of the mods. and somehow we had never actually spoken. so he was all "woah woah waoh. Why are you leaving?" and we got to talking. and then.. both of our worlds flipped over. Sadness and depression to "you're my soulmate and i've been looking for you my whole life . where have you been. a piece of me that has been missing is finally here. I love you" and we haven't missed a single day talking to each other. We've been together as instant best friends since Jan 10th, 2021. And years and years and years of abuse, physical and emotional from even when I was younger are finally being addressed and he's helping me to heal. And it's been absolutely amazing. I didn't believe in true love or soul mate until I met him. I thought it was just a story, a fantasy.

But healing means that there's been a lot of pain to deal with. But with him I've been able to actually face it all. slowly... step by step. but its a lot of open wounds instead of burying it further. and its exhausting. but so wonderful.

and he's just.. so... so.. perfect. *dreamy sigh* :viohearteyes:

Oh. Another thing that's happened is that i've started coming out of the closet to family members. only a couple at the moment. I'm scared to tell most of them because i am unsure weather they will accept me or not.

Thankfully i'm not in danger. Things are much better now that he's been out of the house for 4 months. hopefully things will keep getting better.

Annnnnd my oldest daughter got COVID, so we quarantined the whole house because she gets in everyone's business. And we all got sick. Though she's the only one that tested positive. Sigh.

@Wildfire: thanks I see my soulmate in a week or so again. So I'm gonna get an energy refill and be able to push through another few months and keep making progress with healing things.