Purpsy's posts

On how 2021 ended and since this damn covid started I've been reflecting a lot on what's going on with my life. I remembered at the end of 2019 I was at least adamant on making some changes with my life, I want to go out often again, start volunteering and form some friendships along the way since I've been isolating myself for so long. Then COVID happened and the many lockdowns and that was hell. I've discovered a new fear of losing the people I care about and being end up a alone around that time and although I learned to live with that fear but is still fucking there.

I try to be positive and had to be my own personal cheerleader and my family was there for me but they were also chaotic to deal with at times. I lost hope a couple of times and maybe even gone suicidal but I know I'm too stubborn to even try to end my life. But after all the bullshit I went through I'm also been emotionally drained. I always knew I dug myself deeper down the rabbit hole and made decisions in the past that I wasn't happy with. I was so good at pushing people away, is so hard for me to even trust someone again other than my family. It never hit me really hard until recently, I start pondering when will I start making changes and fight back? Because so far I just pretended that my problems didn't exist or ran away from it. I just live my daily life not making an effort of making a future of myself and rely on others financially. That's what I hate the most about myself that I wish I can end my own fucking misery for it.

But on the flip side I know I've changed a lot since, but I think I'm at the point that I can't bring myself to move and bring actual changes in my life. Like death is kind of scary but it would be nice to just vanish without bringing others pain and misery for it.