Miika's posts

has anyone really been far even as decided to use even go want to do look more like?

Bump for you!

I like multiplayer games with the option of going solo.
I think it's fun to play with (or against) friends, but I also like being able to do my own thing and take it at my own pace

That's awesome!
I wish I had the guts and money to buy a binder. But my chest area is so overgrown, it probably wouldn't be very effective anyways, unfortunately.

I’m annoyinly insecure lately. I seek reassurance in the smallest of things and the dumbest of situations.
I can tell it’s annoying and I don’t know how to stop.
The more I seek reassurance, the more it drives people away. The more people pull away, the more insecure I get.
It’s a vicious cycle I don’t know how to break out of.

I can feel myself nearing desperation for some cocnrete answers and reassurance, but it seems just beyond reach.

What can I do?

I have 1185 volts atm.
I don't know what I want to spend them on anyways. Maybe some cooler pants or some accessories. I can't find a cigarette accessory, though.

Are you trying to make me drink something healthy by making it sound amazeballs?
Because it's working

@Count Trashula: I've been thinking about how to reply to this post for a while now.
Yes, it does bother me when people are unhealthy, and they flaunt it.

I don't mind someone being a little underweight or overweight, I'm on the heavier side myself.
But it bugs me when someone is far, far out of the normal bmi range in either direction. I can't help but feel they imposed it on themselves, and to walk around looking like they're okay with it, and even flaunt it like it's some sort of beauty standard, it disgusts me.
I get that some people can't help it, like untreated binge eating disorder or anorexia or bulimia, but I feel like most people can and just can't be bothered to put in the effort, and to say to the world "I choose to look like this and I want to excaggerate those features like I'm living up to a beauty standard you aren't" just annoys the crap out of me.

I put on a lot of weight due to medications. But I got treatment for it and altered my diet. Sure, I'm still overweight, because I don't exercise much and I don't want to do intermittent fasting or counting calories (because that would send me right into an eating disorder, I know myself well enough), but I still put in enough effort to not be obese, and I don't do anything to make people think I'm proud of looking the way I do, or exaggerate the features of my overweightedness.

Especially with thin girls it bugs me. I don't get how they can say to the world "I look like I haven't eaten in a week and it makes me more beautiful than you, look at my expensive skinny jeans and my tight shirt, look at my legs the thickness of a soda can. Aren't I sexy?"

I live in an apartment, but the building seems kind of old. There's always sounds coming from any of my many neighbours. Chatter, doors being pulled open or shut, toilets flushing, banging, dogs barking, etc.

Heights.
Puppets.
Outliving all my loved ones.
Being trapped in my own body, unable to let anyone know my mind is still intact.
Developing dementia
Having a psychotic break so severe I can't snap out of it

@Unicorn: Fahrenheit, I hope? 60 Degrees Celcius would be a killer. Literally.

- The scent of a dusty room with cheap airfreshener. It takes me back to playing sims 1 and 2 on the family computer with my sister.

- The scent of sunwarm pine trees. Reminds me of my family's countless roadtrips through Finland in the summer.

- I was around for the glory days of Gaiaonline, and man was it fun. I don't really talk to any of my old Gaia friends anymore, and the one I did keep in touch with died a few years ago. I remember being young and naive, often getting baited by trolls and going on rants. I remember trying to suck up to the prommies.

- MSN. I remember coming home after school and logging into MSN to talk to people from all over the world that I'd met on various websites. I also used it to argue with my school friend. My arch nemesis was the nudge function, which one of my friends would use if it took me more than 5 minutes to read and reply to his message. Which can easily happen when you've got seven chats going on and you're browsing Gaia at the same time, haha.

- The taste of pistacio Icecream. One summer we went on a holiday to Oulu in Finland, this amazing place with great weather and a beautiful beach. We rented a summer house, and one of the older ladies down the street found us children so charming she often gave us money and told us to go to the local kiosk and get ourselves some Moomin icecream. It kinda tasted like pistacio, but I've never been able to find it since.
I remember it as one of the best summer vacations I've ever had. My mother remembers it as the worst, but that's probably because it was the last vacation before she and my dad decided to split up for good.

@Unicorn: I'm told it can go as high as 45Celcius in the summer.
I can barely tolerate 30, haha

My mind keeps wandering towards the one who got away.
We made friends many moons ago, and instantly had chemistry. She had an abusive long-distance boyfriend, and we kind of had an affair behind his back. She chose him over me, although they eventually broke up, but we kept circling back to each other for years until she told me we should just be regular friends because she'd actually like to keep her bf-at-the-time and she had issues with my issues regarding showing affection.
We stayed in touch and would meet up when we were both in the same town, but now she feels like a stranger. We hardly ever message each other, and when we do, it seems superficial and just ends up the same old "how are you? I'm fine" bullshit.

We had a period in my life where we shared everything, and at one point, she was the only one who stuck by me when my other friends abandoned me due to a scorn ex of mine who tainted my reputation and drove them away.

I never stopped loving the one who got away, and even though we're still facebook friends, we don't talk much. I've long ago abandoned hope that it will ever be the two of us, and I'm not in love with her anymore, but I do sometimes feel sad that I let such a great catch go.
To this day I think she's one of the most intelligent, observant and beaufitul people I've ever met, and I would love to be a part of her life and be able to share mine with her.

I'm just too scared to send her an "I'm thinking of you, how are you" message because what if she brushes me off, or gives me some superficial stuff? The realisation that I don't mean as much to her anymore as she does to me would be unbearable.

More and more time passes between each time I think about her, and it no longer hurts, but my mind still keeps wandering back to that one person.