My brain keeps being dumb this past week as if it's going "ah yes, let's remember those old diagnoses you had as a kid and pretend you're only that and not your own person at all" which is a pretty shitty brain thing to do

Other shitty brain things are when I'm thinking and just unthinkingly spit out a bad slur in my own direction like damn....this sure is internalized shit huh

Other than that I really need to think about getting a job when everything is over and what kind of job I'd be able to handle that actually pays a wage I can fucking live on

I have always carried a guilt for a person a few years ago. We were partners for 3 years, he treated me very well, then I started to go through this personal crisis. I also started to realize that even though we got along so well, that I didn't enjoy anything intimate with him, or anything like that. He was my best friend and by staying with him, I was stunting my own growth. There was much more that I wanted in my life, and I wasn't feeling right.
So the right idea was to be honest and talk with him about it. I was very transparent and he was very patient and understanding while I was figuring myself out. So, this was okay, and I still appreciate him so much for being so damn mature with me.

But what went wrong, was a third party. A coworker that fancied me. I found her attractive and a blast to be around, but I wasn't interested cause I had a partner.
Now, my partner knew of this, because we had that sort of transparent relationship. Crushing on someone is pretty natural, and for me its usually just the excitement of meeting a new person. I ALWAYS crush and then as I befriend the person, that crush just fades off to nothing, but I win a good friend in the end. My partner also has had these moments and we were chill about it, we trusted each other.

This coworker was malicious though. She wanted me, and she could sense I was having troubles. She was a manipulative person to get what she wants, and she managed to get me to spill the beans that I was having relationship trouble. Then she spent more time with me, acting like a supportive friend but she would always try to get closer and closer.
It was making me go crazy, cause I was already so confused with my emotions and I was getting frustrated with myself. I hated myself so much, thinking that if I hadn't met her, I wouldn't be feeling so troubled.

But I knew it was getting to a point where it was unfair to my partner that I was taking so long to figure out what I need. Unrelated to that coworker, cause I was still loyal to my partner, but I finally sat with him one more time and explained that I'm not getting any better. Somethings just off and I don't know what I'm doing. I did mention my feelings for that coworker are confusing me a lot as well, and its very unfair to everyone involved. I made the decision to leave him, and he responded kindly. Said he appreciated me and the transparency, that I handled it just fine.

But then my parents were infuriated so much, they wouldn't let me move back in with them. I would've been homeless, so my partner (ex partner) let me stay on the couch of our apartment for a bit.

This felt terrible. I felt invasive, even though he still spoke to me with so much kindness and empathy after the breakup. I apologized so much for my presence but he would always say its okay, "this was your home too"

One night that coworker called me, crying as if she had gotten hurt or something. Said she couldn't go home and made it sound as though her mother was physically abusing her. I look to my partner and he's like "of course, bring her here" even though he knew I was struggling with emotions between the two of them.
She came, I played video games with her to relax her and talked her through things, although she wouldn't open up much so I didn't pry.
She kept trying to get closer and closer and this is where I feel guilty because... I didn't try hard enough to stop her. She slept on the floor next to the couch that I slept on. But she was flirting so hard I kept getting frustrated because my ex was able to hear her.

When she was leaving the next day, she asked me to be her girlfriend.
IN
HIS
KITCHEN
I really hope he didn't hear her because I know how rotten that would feel. But I didn't tell her no, I just shushed her and pointed at his bedroom door (where he was, on his pc). I did end up dating her after this and had to move into her home because I felt I was overstaying my welcome at my apartment (even though he kept saying its okay, I know he's too nice)

I found out that this girl wasn't abused. At. All.
She was upset that night because her mom texted her something that sounded vaguely annoyed, becuase SHE GOT A DUI
This girl abuses her mom, and me, and it got so bad that it scarred me for a bit after the fact. Even though we didn't last long.

But I still feel like I did my partner dirty, even though I didn't intend to. I went through a lot of mental crisis shit for a year after that. Drinking and doing things I normally wouldn't. It got bad, my respect for myself died because the guilt was too much. I hurt myself thinking that I hurt another so much.
I hear he's only had abusive relationships since and it doesn't help.
Its true I wasn't in love with him, that we drifted for many reasons, but I feel that I could've kept a friend if I had enough of a backbone then to stand up and tell that coworker "No, give me space. give HIM space."