Bou's posts

I need help because my anxieties are crippling my ability to just exist, but to get help, i need to talk to my doctor who spikes me anxiety.
making phone calls spikes my anxiety. I've tried numerous times to get help. I've reached out to my doctor and I've managed to just shut down and sabotage those attempts and now it seems like she's reluctant to extend the same aid. I don't blame her, I tend to screw things up a lot.
No matter how many times I try to pick myself up by the boot straps and say "enough is enough" I can only get so far.
I can push through the anxiety to an extent, and then something comes up and I get so overwhelmed that I just shut down. My entire thought process shifts gears and starts moving in reverse. Suddenly everything seems hopeless, everything seems impossible, I don't know how to cope with the stress. I can start to do so good. I can make progress and it will seem like I'm finally doing things for myself, but all it takes is one extra inconvenience and I'm back at square one, but not after bulldozing all my progress so far.

I can't keep myself together. I can't keep my home together. The landlord was supposed to get someone to fix the shower and it's been almost a week, but he terrifies me too (for good reason. I've got some rocky financial history with him) and I dread to get into to contact with him to see what's going on. I feel disgusting. I want to shower so bad.
I want to get my home in order so I can cook and eat properly. I'm scared to enter my own fucking kitchen. That's how bad I've let it get. And what's frustrating is that I was able to stay on top of things before, but apparently that's all out the window now. My ability to keep things organized and clean has eroded over time. Sure I wasn't perfect to begin with, but it's gotten so. bad. Now I feel like I'm living in a fucking biohazard and I'm disgusted and paranoid to be in my own home.

I can't do this on my own anymore, but I dread to let others see how I'm living.
I keep thinking, "if I can at least get this much done, then it won't be so bad to get through the rest". But I'm scared just to step outside my own fucking apartment. I'm scared of my neighbors seeing me. No particular reason, just the thought of others knowing I exist for some reason makes it hard for me to function. Sometimes I try to haul out trash bags at three in the morning when I think it's less likely anyone will see me, but I have so much and our garbage bins can only carry so much trash. I still have stuff left over and I have to wait until I can do it again.

God I need to do something about this. I've lost control of my life. Though to be fair, I've never had control of it. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't want to be here anymore, but I'm scared of death.