Starlightmoonie's posts
Posted in Teach Me The Ways Of Pretty Posting Please?
Posted 2 years ago
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@borealis: rei ann linked me this https://www.voltra.us/forum/view_topic/6435 it helped so much!!! i pretty much just took the example one and added emojis i liked because anything else is too intimidating! XD
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@borealis: rei ann linked me this https://www.voltra.us/forum/view_topic/6435 it helped so much!!! i pretty much just took the example one and added emojis i liked because anything else is too intimidating! XD
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Posted in Newbie here!
Posted 2 years ago
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@borealis: it's the worst. there might not be a timeline but that's easy for people who have already achieved goals to say I feel
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@borealis: it's the worst. there might not be a timeline but that's easy for people who have already achieved goals to say I feel
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Posted in Distancing Myself From My Family But Mostly My Mother- A Vent/Rant
Posted 2 years ago
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@alorrena: That's unfortunate. It is such a tricky and awful situation for anyone to be in. Abuse is such a strong cycle to break but it doesn't excuse a person's behavior for perpetuating that same abuse onto other loved ones.
The worst part of it is the grieving process for me. Mourning this idea of a mother I had in my head and grieving the hope that she could ever change and be a better person. Both my mother and step-father are alcoholics. So growing up, my mother was extremely good as painting herself as the hero and my step-dad as the monster. She would "get us out" take us to our aunts, or a hotel room, etc. I always ignored the part where she continued to drink and vilify my step-dad after the fact. It was much easier to pretend she wasn't an awful person.
My siblings make excuses as well. I recently tried to reach out to my older sister. We don't talk much but I know she's been the therapeutic process so I naiively tried to confide in her about how I felt about our mom, she immediately got defensive and started saying "you need to leave it in the past. you think everyone in this family is so dysfunctional"
I was taken aback so I just started shutting down and holding back tears because again, expectations got the better of me. I can't do confrontation either. I will shut down & sob heavily everytime.
Standing up is hard. It was literally impossible for me to do as a child. We were raised in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. MY older siblings didn't want anything to do with me unless it was to bully me, shut me out, or scare me - which they did frequently. I learned early on not to engage with anyone so naturally it's easy for everyone to say I hate them - but the truth is - they don't know a thing about me - nor do I know much about them. I know we're not the same people - but I'm learning that they will always see me as this weaker, defenseless child who they can push around to make themselves feel better.
As for the friend stuff, I'm learning that now. Looking back I realize how I also was just a random person at a lunch table who nobody really liked. I was just kind of there for the most part. I was bullied by teachers a lot too. They immediately assumed that because I smelled like smoke (my mother is the hugest chain-smoker I've ever known) that I was a bad kid. Because I missed school a lot I was a bad kid. Because I didn't turn homework, had social anxiety, and flaked out on every presentation, I was a bad kid. It sucked. I was just a kid trying to survive who's family was too busy hating each other and drinking on school nights for me to concentrate, hell, I couldn't even get a full night's rest. And to this day I still don't feel safe falling asleep in my own bed in my own home.
This kind of stuff is hard to vent about so please never feel guilty about venting to me. I understand. There was always the rumor that I was making all this stuff up just so I could get attention from people. Like I never understood that logic. Why would anyone make up horrible shit just for people to get pity points? I don't ever want people to pity me. I come from a super rich, white, conservative town so I'm sure that also has stuff to do with it. :')
A vacuum?? Yikes yikes yikes. Spring it on her! As much as she springs emotional outbursts on you and your husband I think it's perfectly acceptable (and safer probably as well) to wait for her trip.
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@alorrena: That's unfortunate. It is such a tricky and awful situation for anyone to be in. Abuse is such a strong cycle to break but it doesn't excuse a person's behavior for perpetuating that same abuse onto other loved ones.
The worst part of it is the grieving process for me. Mourning this idea of a mother I had in my head and grieving the hope that she could ever change and be a better person. Both my mother and step-father are alcoholics. So growing up, my mother was extremely good as painting herself as the hero and my step-dad as the monster. She would "get us out" take us to our aunts, or a hotel room, etc. I always ignored the part where she continued to drink and vilify my step-dad after the fact. It was much easier to pretend she wasn't an awful person.
My siblings make excuses as well. I recently tried to reach out to my older sister. We don't talk much but I know she's been the therapeutic process so I naiively tried to confide in her about how I felt about our mom, she immediately got defensive and started saying "you need to leave it in the past. you think everyone in this family is so dysfunctional"
I was taken aback so I just started shutting down and holding back tears because again, expectations got the better of me. I can't do confrontation either. I will shut down & sob heavily everytime.
Standing up is hard. It was literally impossible for me to do as a child. We were raised in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere. MY older siblings didn't want anything to do with me unless it was to bully me, shut me out, or scare me - which they did frequently. I learned early on not to engage with anyone so naturally it's easy for everyone to say I hate them - but the truth is - they don't know a thing about me - nor do I know much about them. I know we're not the same people - but I'm learning that they will always see me as this weaker, defenseless child who they can push around to make themselves feel better.
As for the friend stuff, I'm learning that now. Looking back I realize how I also was just a random person at a lunch table who nobody really liked. I was just kind of there for the most part. I was bullied by teachers a lot too. They immediately assumed that because I smelled like smoke (my mother is the hugest chain-smoker I've ever known) that I was a bad kid. Because I missed school a lot I was a bad kid. Because I didn't turn homework, had social anxiety, and flaked out on every presentation, I was a bad kid. It sucked. I was just a kid trying to survive who's family was too busy hating each other and drinking on school nights for me to concentrate, hell, I couldn't even get a full night's rest. And to this day I still don't feel safe falling asleep in my own bed in my own home.
This kind of stuff is hard to vent about so please never feel guilty about venting to me. I understand. There was always the rumor that I was making all this stuff up just so I could get attention from people. Like I never understood that logic. Why would anyone make up horrible shit just for people to get pity points? I don't ever want people to pity me. I come from a super rich, white, conservative town so I'm sure that also has stuff to do with it. :')
A vacuum?? Yikes yikes yikes. Spring it on her! As much as she springs emotional outbursts on you and your husband I think it's perfectly acceptable (and safer probably as well) to wait for her trip.
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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oh look another test would ya look at that O_O
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oh look another test would ya look at that O_O
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Posted in What are you listening to?
Posted 2 years ago
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crickets chirping outside
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crickets chirping outside
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Posted in Teach Me The Ways Of Pretty Posting Please?
Posted 2 years ago
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@milkshake: your post style is so cute OTL -immediately intimidated-
@spider: right? I don't get how people can make an entire profile T^T My next project is a signature ;-;
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@milkshake: your post style is so cute OTL -immediately intimidated-
@spider: right? I don't get how people can make an entire profile T^T My next project is a signature ;-;
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Posted in Distancing Myself From My Family But Mostly My Mother- A Vent/Rant
Posted 2 years ago
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@alorrena: I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Even sorrier about your husband and his relationship with her. It's definitely a hard thing to deal with. I'm happy that you guys are moving out soon <3 <3 <3 I get the siblings following blindly, i feel like my siblings do that as well. At least my older siblings. Living with a narcissist is the worst. They will never ever ever accept responsibility or see their own part in the suffering they cause those around them. It's really sad :/
I think the hardest thing about it for me, personally, is that the more I heal and stand up for myself the meaner they get with me. I've always been the scapegoat/black sheep/villain of the family even though I have the emotional range of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah friends have always been a struggle for me. For one I grew up isolated for the most part, was bullied a lot and ostracized, and when I finally did make friends - they were quick to pass me off to someone else. ;/ But...even when I feel open and vulnerable to share..I always get the feeling that they are uncomfortable or get the impression that i'm just talking about my trauma for attention..which just sucks.
I'm really hoping to cultivate new friendships here and find that support I've been needing/wanting/yearning for all this time. I'm trying hard to let go of expectation going forward. Life is nothing like I expected, but how could it be? I was raised with skewed perspective of the world from the very beginning of my life.
Thank you for offering support. Likewise if you need to rant/vent/talk about the situation with your mother-in-law. Living with narcissists are a special kind of hell - they only see their point of view and even then it's super flawed and obscured by their own pain.
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@alorrena: I'm sorry to hear that about your relationship with your mother-in-law. Even sorrier about your husband and his relationship with her. It's definitely a hard thing to deal with. I'm happy that you guys are moving out soon <3 <3 <3 I get the siblings following blindly, i feel like my siblings do that as well. At least my older siblings. Living with a narcissist is the worst. They will never ever ever accept responsibility or see their own part in the suffering they cause those around them. It's really sad :/
I think the hardest thing about it for me, personally, is that the more I heal and stand up for myself the meaner they get with me. I've always been the scapegoat/black sheep/villain of the family even though I have the emotional range of Bubbles from the Powerpuff Girls.
Yeah friends have always been a struggle for me. For one I grew up isolated for the most part, was bullied a lot and ostracized, and when I finally did make friends - they were quick to pass me off to someone else. ;/ But...even when I feel open and vulnerable to share..I always get the feeling that they are uncomfortable or get the impression that i'm just talking about my trauma for attention..which just sucks.
I'm really hoping to cultivate new friendships here and find that support I've been needing/wanting/yearning for all this time. I'm trying hard to let go of expectation going forward. Life is nothing like I expected, but how could it be? I was raised with skewed perspective of the world from the very beginning of my life.
Thank you for offering support. Likewise if you need to rant/vent/talk about the situation with your mother-in-law. Living with narcissists are a special kind of hell - they only see their point of view and even then it's super flawed and obscured by their own pain.
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Posted in Teach Me The Ways Of Pretty Posting Please?
Posted 2 years ago
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@rei ann: I didn't see any guide for profile editing : O Am I just blind?
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@rei ann: I didn't see any guide for profile editing : O Am I just blind?
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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wow look at me go owww oww owww
it's a pretty post indeed
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wow look at me go owww oww owww
it's a pretty post indeed
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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OWOWOWOWOWOWO
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OWOWOWOWOWOWO
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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were all goofy goobers yeah!
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were all goofy goobers yeah!
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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youre a goofy goober yeah!
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youre a goofy goober yeah!
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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im a goofy goober yeah!
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im a goofy goober yeah!
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Posted in Testing OWO No Posting Plz
Posted 2 years ago
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now?
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now?
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