Shadami's posts

Posted in Buying and Selling partially Updated 11/7/20 Posted 6 years ago

@Ixora: you're welcome. And thank you for clearing my inventory of more duplicates! :D

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

I'm sorry I didn't get around to drawing more people. I'm just not healthy lately ...

Thanks for the trade. Took me so long because I was trying to finish this avatar and take something off that didn't fit but I couldn't find it again xD

Posted in Buying and Selling partially Updated 11/7/20 Posted 6 years ago

Ixora:
@Shadami: I'd like to buy the following if you still have them for sale!

Reaper Scythe for 250

Skull Bucket x4 for 1.4k

Big Bang 500

For a total of 2150

Trade is delivered. :)
Removing these items from my store front. Beep boop

Reaper Scythe: 250

Skull Bucket 350

Big Bang 500

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

Yay!! I'd really love melon cutie. :3 when I got back from hiatus I saw someone wearing it and it just speaks to my aesthetic.

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

Oh I completely forgot to say congratulations on winning in the green and yellow contest on Instagram by the way tuijp!!

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

Is Melon Cutie still available?

:3

Posted in Buying and Selling partially Updated 11/7/20 Posted 6 years ago

No we didn't. But we did do a ton of it already and I've been making everyone wait for so long I figured I'd get to them because I know the crazy dragon will wait .

I figured if Mato doesn't reply to the ping soon I may have built up the 30k to finally finish out our trade dragon.
If I've got it on the front it should still be available
@Ixora: so I'll send you a trade shortly, just gotta get out of bed and to the computer to update properly.

Won item from LilyPoo!

Beanie Doll Plasma Orb 3k

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

I look to make sure things work based on reviews xD or I shop in person and test/try it on myself.

Posted in The Summerhouse - Winners announced! *C* Posted 6 years ago

Are any of the prizes things from the last couple months? Like the pretty watermelon stuff? Ect?

Sorry, just waking up and haven't looked into what I've missed since I was active last

Posted in Daily Lore & Evolving Goldfish Posted 6 years ago

Kent is a fish tank!!!

Posted in It started as 4 am ravings of a sad woman Posted 6 years ago

I think it's obvious why I decided to make this in the undercurrent at this point. The ramblings in my head are all flooding out instead of being bottled in causing me anxiety.

And it does help.

I've tried journaling once. But it didn't make a difference. The only one who could see it was me. But this is a different kind of journal. More like a blog in a way. People probably won't see it. But they COULD. And that's a big difference.

Someone could read something here and go ... Hey... I relate to that. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
Or hey! I know what's wrong with you! Maybe they have similar experiences. Or they just want to speak up and say something supportive.

I don't know. I don't even know if I want advice or need it. I do know that I was crying from 1 am until 4 am when I started this thread. And now that it's five am I'm starting to feel calmer... Hungry... And tired.

I'm gonna set an alarm for seven am so that I can get a bit of a power nap. But be up at a reasonable time for normal human beings.
Try to get my internal clock back in schedule instead of having my depression grip me and keep me in bed until noon.. which has been twelve hours sleeping most nights :/which terrified me when I'm used to getting 4-6 and being full of energy all day.

Part of me hopes that this is just post partem depression setting in.
Part of me wonders if I've had depression all my life, or if it really has been because of the things that have happened to me in my life

These posts will not read as a fully connected story. It's going to be disjointed like my thoughts. They'll jump around to whatever is bugging me and I feel I need to say to get it off my chest.

I am going to leave certain topics off the journal thing though. But emotional ones. I think I need to get those out in some way so that I can start coping and stop being bottled up.

I need someone . Even if it is a computer screen.
Thanks for reading all of this if you have. That alone means a lot to me.

Posted in Daily Lore & Evolving Goldfish Posted 6 years ago

Thank you lilypoo. :)

Posted in It started as 4 am ravings of a sad woman Posted 6 years ago

I'm distracting myself by writing these thoughts. I can't say them out loud. It's to difficult for me. But writing is a way I can say what's going on in my head. I just let it flow out as fast as I can type because it's easier for me.

I have a mouth issue. Which sounds weird...

I call it dyslexia of the mouth. I have to slow down my speech and really force myself to pronounce things correctly or people can't understand what I am saying.
Or I get spoonerisms.
Which if someone is reading this and doesn't know, is a really cool word that basically means I switch letters around in my speech.

For example I was excited playing world of Warcraft and tried to say grappling rope, but I said rappaling grope. Which in my head was correct, but my mouth couldn't say it right. And I also couldn't seem to figure out what was wrong but I knew it was wrong.
But my brain was also fast enough to know my mouth had been slower and messed it up so I got frustrated and embarrassed...
Especially when the people I was talking to started laughing.

I don't hold it against them of course because it's funny now, it was just in the moment that it was frustrating. I want my mouth to work properly.

Same game, same people by the way, I said spood beast.... Instead of speed boost. Now the three of us slip into saying spood beast in casual conversation because it's just become another phrase for us. And sometimes we have to second guess are selves like.. wait... Which one is correct again?

So yeah... The laughter is there about my dyslexia of the mouth. But the embarrassment I feel when it first happens and people feel the need to point it out and laugh... Well it hurts depending on who it is.
Or how they laugh.

And it doesn't make talking out loud easy. When someone gets hung up on how I say things, instead of what I'm saying. And they ignore the feelings behind it. That's really hard to deal with.

And it's not just messed up words with transposed letters. But using the wrong words...
And just as an example I'm going to use the grappling rope again. Because when I transposed the letters in sounded fine to me because of rappelling being a real word that is close to what I wanted, but incorrect.

Does that make sense? I get words that are close, but not quite right.

And sometimes I can't speak until I have the specific word I want.ni get hung up on it.

And I wish I knew what was wrong with me.

Posted in It started as 4 am ravings of a sad woman Posted 6 years ago

My mind wanders constantly. And I've been beating myself up more and more. Not physically. Emotionally.

Though really it feels physical as well in a sense.

Some days I have no appetite. And others I feel I have to much of one.

Right now I'm pregnant so that doesn't help in the slightest.
They also say that I have gained to much weight this pregnancy.
I'm at the largest weight I have ever been in my entire life. I'm labeled as an obese pregnancy.

.... That really hurts. I think I look good. Or at least. I thought I did.
But I look at myself in the mirror and all I see is flappity flab on my arms. Luuuurve handles on my hips. That delightfully over dimpled thighs and butt.

A beach ball stomach... Okay that's partially the baby.

Clothes covers it up. Some clothes make me feel amazing. I love how I look in jeans. And sweaters for some reason just look adorable on me. But the bigger I get ... The less clothes that I like. That are me. That are my style... Well the less of them exist.

It becomes baggy clothes like I should be ashamed of how I look. Overly floral patterns in bright colors that are trying to make people look away from you or distract from the person in the clothes.
Non flattering things.

And thigh high boots? Forget that. Woman aren't supposed to have muscles in their calfs!
Which I do. I'm actually really proud of the fact that my lower legs are pretty much solid muscle and very little fat. Granted they're swollen with pregnancy blah right now.... But still...
I can't wear boots that I love because they're not made in muscle size.

It makes me hate my muscles. The one part of me that I can keep muscled and strong.
I shouldn't hate my muscles.
But I really want to dress like myself. Why is that so hard?