Shadami's posts

i like looking at the sky with my boyfriend.

speaking of. i thought bernard had more emotes as well. Was that just some sample emotes during an event or something?

idk. i'm just posting and trying to calm down after a stress moment

is there no 21' and 22' emotes for orbs or crates?

@Totalanimefan: I have the first vaccine but i haven't been able to get the boosters yet. I just haven't had the time. and i'm worried about getting sick from it and not being able to take care of my girls now as a single mom.


@Vegan: Thank you. And I have, yeah. I hadn't really acknowledged just how much I've been through in my life to myself either. It's been a lot to come to terms with, and try to heal, recover, and move past.

Another reason I haven't been around a lot is Covid (or the backstreet boys world tour. or whatever the game grumps call it xD). I have an absolute phobia of diseases, viruses, ect. It terrifies me. I have a weak immune system and seem to get sick so easily. I was petrified to leave the house. Especially with a newborn. The fear got so bad that I basically shut down and retreated into my proverbial turtle shell to hide from the world and everything that was so negative. I haven't had the copium available to deal with anything.
I've had to much to deal with in my life. I've been super strong and kept it all locked up inside. ANd I hit my breaking point.

AN unhappy marriage. Children that were clashing personalities with me and were treating me horribly because thats what they saw everyone else doing to me. and never seeing anyone else. Losing my support system. I shut down.

I couldn't talk to anyone anymore. It's very very hard to admit how weak i've become when i've always been the one that has to be the rock. the one supporting everyone as the foundation. My little foundation sank, and i needed help getting out.

annnnnd once again i'm gonna leave it at that for this post so i can wipe my tears off and refocus again. haha.

@Totalanimefan: Hey TAF, thanks. I've been so overwhelmed lately. It's so hard to talk about anything without crying, and i'm usually this stay positive push all the negative away and pretend it doesn't exist because i want everyone to be happy and lift the mood. haha. I'm going through the healing stages though which means i'm crying alot.

2 years ago. I can't believe it. My little one is going to be three here soon. I'm going to be making a huge attempt to come back. I have a physical bullet journal now too. I'll post more soon

I'm going to attempt this. I don't expect people to reply or have input or anything. I simply want to get some ranting out. See how I handle it.

I'll probably come back and continue with more ranting as Ianage to handle more. I've really missed hanging out on voltra. It was a home. But now I feel like a stranger.
It doesn't help that my social anxiety has been running at an ultimate high. I've been struggling to talk to anyone. I'm scared to tell anyone my feelings. My worries. My stresses.

I'm terrified that people will assume I'm attention seeking. Or making things up. Or being dramatic. Or lying. Or just, in general negative things that I never intend. It hurts so badly when people assume the worst about me.

For example recently I was working on a contract to get paid for art. I was told one thing about someone. Made a comment about that one thing. And was told that I was wrong about that one thing and that it was never a thing and how dare I assume that thing. And then I was fired before the hiring process was complete because they assumed I was a jerk. It hurt..... Alot....
And it was a friend's sister. And now I can't talk to that friend. Cause it brings up that pain again.

But it's not the only case of losing friends.
I don't know if I'm doing it. Or if it's happening because of outside factors. But it's been slowly adding up more and more until I feel like I'm drowning and can't handle talking to anyone at all.

A big one has been my husband. Or rather soon to be ex husband. He cut me off from my friends and family for the last 10 years. And Ive been so wrapped up in my pain and misery now. I can't tell what's real and what's not.

I can't tell who is a friend and who is going to hurt me next. I'm terrified of people. I don't trust anyone anymore. There is so much pain.

I'm working on healing. I'm trying. I want to have friends again and trust people. And come back to being able to socialize. But I can't reach out. And everyone has such busy lives that if there is people who would reach out to me, they don't do it often. Or think that I've just been ghosting them. Or being stuck up. Or something. Idk. I don't know . My life is very confusing right now. This is all I can rant right now because I'm starting to cry and my little one is sitting on the potty and needs me.

So I'll try to be back. I'll try to keep talking. I'll try to get my online social life back.

I'm listening to Wandersong

Grasshopper pie

My keyboard is rainbow xD

Opinions

Yuck. I don't think i can do it, I don't care for squash or most soups.

Gummy worms