Lucifera's posts

Posted in Why being "So ADHD" isn't a joke Posted 5 years ago

Note: This thread talks about OD, suicidal thoughts, etc. If that's triggering, I probably wouldn't read on. Also, I'm sorry this is super long. xD

If anyone here struggles with severe ADHD, you'll probably bristle a little at this joke yourself. In general, no mental health issue should be a joke that is tossed around like it's something light and funny.

For almost 5 or 6 years, I'd been diagnosed manic depressive eventually leading to a bipolar diagnosis. Both, if you struggle with them, as super debilitating diseases. And these are things that people literally fight with day to do. Getting up out of bed, taking medications, understanding when your emotions are emotions that are right for the situation or if you're overreacting. But what's worse?

For women, ADHD can get mistaken for these diseases. Because not every mental health issue presents the same in men as it does in women. For years, I'd been on anti-depressants and stabilizers I needed for bipolar. Lithium being one and always ended up sick with intense serotonin toxicity. I even had a slow OD on Welbutrin which was terrifying. Imagine trying to eat, but every tie you do you get sick, just the thought of food makes you ill, so you can't even think of touching it, you go three days without food. Your body is heavy, your head is aching, you're having heart palpitations... It's terrifying. Eventually, your doctor says 'let's get you off this slowly.' because the withdrawal was almost just as severe. And I was at a point of isolation and illness that I honestly was considering suicide, so my doctor had my mom watching me. Just in case.

For a year, I went unmedicated because I was terrified to take medications. Even aspirin for migraines was something I could hardly choke back. I never realized how horrible my mental health issues were until I was in conversation with dates and I hear them talking, I'm making eye contact and nodding but... What are they even saying? By the time it's my turn to respond, my mind had wondered on some long tangent that I spaced out mid-conversation and I had no idea where the conversation was anymore.

This got progressively worse, affecting my work. And working at Starbucks where you take orders and make drinks, obviously this was an issue. Someone ordered a simple soy latte, and for some reason, I know they're speaking words, but the words sound oddly alien and far away. They had to repeat their order 4 times to me, and at this point, are really frustrated. It's a simple drink, right?

During this time I was also dealing with a sudden onset of a nervous system disorder. PPPD (Persistent postural perceptual dizziness) that would get so bad I was passing out. And the worst part about this? Though it's not caused by anxiety, anxiety can actually worsen it.

So here I am, an apologizing anxious little ball of issues, trying to live my life and I can't even have normal social interaction or take a simple order without somehow spacing or retaining information. My boss was over my shoulder almost every second. And everything reached peak and I passed out at work.

It took a hospital trip before I went to a psychiatrist who heard my diagnosis and pretty much told me what I now know. ADHD doesn't always present typically in women, where you're bouncing off the walls, going 90 to nothing. It can present as a woman simply seeming to space out and "daydream." And unfortunately, because of how women are seen as ditzy and dreamy... It can be overlooked. She told me she wanted to try me on medication. A very low dose. She said if my bipolar diagnosis was correct, it'd cause panic attacks and to call her office and stop taking the med immediately. If I could focus, and find more energy and not have panic attacks, then I was actually never bipolar, to begin with, and I fell into the cracks.

Fast forward to now. Previously in high school, I was always spacing and daydreaming in class, my grades suffered. And I fell behind, it was honestly awful. But in university, medicated, I am pulling every grade I aim for, and able to talk to people and be "normal."

But one day, I forgot to refill my ADHD meds. No problem, I'll pick them up the next day after class. It wasn't until then that I realized just how horrible my ADHD actually was.

I'm borderline catatonic off my meds. Like yeah, I'm moving and I'm living but it feels like I'm floating somewhere behind my body. And no matter how much I try to hone in and focus, bring myself to the present I absolutely can't. So I go home and ask my mom to pick up my meds on her way home. The next day I take my meds, and I can barely remember the whole day before. Like I knew I went to class, I knew we talked about cool stuff in biological bases of psychology... But what was it we talked about? Which bus did I take home? When did I even get home?

Previously, I was that person who so easily joked about being ADHD, or bipolar, etc. But it's started to hit me how much of a joke it isn't. I am literally not even human without my medications, and even though that's upsetting in and of itself... ADHD is immensely easier to manage than bipolar was.

I do have depression with my ADHD, an annoying little comorbidity but it is what it is. But it's so much easier for me now. I'm getting back into what I love. I'm focused. I'm working towards 2 majors and passing my first year with flying colors. And my nervous system disorder? It got quite a bit better once I got on my meds, and with physio and a lot of patience and doctor's visits, I'm almost normal.

I'm not bringing this here because I wanted to rant and rave, or scold. But this is a serious discussion, and it's been bothering me lately how easy it is for people to joke about things they don't understand or struggle with. And for me, I can't handle those jokes without a slightly bitter resentment towards it.

I don't know if anyone else here struggles with this, if it's just me being overly sensitive. But now when my friend joke about it, I straight up tell them that ADHD and ADD isn't a joke. And it's actually really serious. Does anyone else find themselves having an internal struggle with these conversations?