Count Trashula's posts

My best friend and I have been very close for a long time. In a society where friendships are treated as shallow and replaceable and romance is given all the attention and importance, I was told that I must be in love with her because I talked to her every day, spent time with her whenever I could, and shared deep and personal things with her. It especially bothered me hearing this as an adult, from other adults. It seems so childish to go "Oh, those two people aren't afraid to sit less than five feet apart or talk about their feelings? MUST BE DATING".

Nonetheless, I had only been in one serious relationship at that point, so when my friend confessed to me that she did have those kinds of feelings for me, I felt pressured into dating her anyway. I was afraid of losing her as a friend if I said no, and I was starting to think maybe everyone else was right, because after breaking up with my previous partner, it occurred to me that I had no idea what the difference was between "romance" and "friendship". So I started framing our relationship in those terms, only to eventually realize that I did not actually feel that way. It took me a lot of searching and questioning to encounter the term "queerplatonic", and I told her that was what I really felt/wanted. I wanted to spend my life with her because she was my best friend, even if I didn't have romantic feelings. I guess she accepted that, because here we are years later living together as friends--even if we are closer than "just friends", it isn't a romantic relationship.

I do get jealous. I worry about the possibility of her "finding someone" someday and leaving me behind. With the level of importance society places on romantic relationships, that's not an unreasonable fear, especially since I know a typical marriage relationship is something she's always wanted that I can't provide. I don't want the most important relationship in both our lives to suddenly take a backseat to some newer relationship with less depth and history, just because it has one thing that this one doesn't. I don't like the thought of my best friend inevitably having less time for me, or betraying our plans to make a life together as friends. I don't think it's very likely to happen, and I suppose if it did, I'd eventually get through it and find my own way, but it's not something I like to think about. That said, if it did come down to it, I know I can at least trust that we'll always be friends. We have been through so much together and done so much for each other, neither of us is going to simply abandon the other, no matter how much things may change in the future. Even if we did decide living together wasn't best for us, that would just free us both up to find something that did work, and I don't doubt we would still never be too far apart. It can be hard to remember that when doubts and fears creep in, but I know what we have is too meaningful to just disappear because someone else came into the picture.

It took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I was aromantic. I thought I had been in love or had crushes in the past, and maybe to some extent I did for all I know, but looking back, I think those feelings were more likely to be other kinds of attraction and even envy. They were all people I more or less wanted to be, and with my one serious relationship that ended, the fact that we were friends and got along well just made "romantic interest" seem like the natural conclusion. We're raised to believe that this is the done thing, told that if you're particularly close with someone it has to be romantic, and expected to form those kinds of relationships. It's not surprising to me that it took over 30 years and 2 failed attempts to figure it out, especially when I had other confusing circumstances adding to the mix.

Enter: dysphoria. Not only has it played a huge role in complicating my experience with relationships and my ability to distinguish envy from attraction, but it's also messed up my experience with how I respond to sexual attraction. I know I'm not asexual, but I feel very uncomfortable involving real people--but especially myself--in my fantasies. It may not be the same for your case, but for me, it comes down to feeling like my body is gross/wrong and no one would (or should) want it. I don't want anyone to be attracted to me as I am now, because I don't like how I am now (physically speaking). I'm hoping that in time, my health and confidence will improve and I'll reach a point where I can be more comfortable exploring sexuality. But that's a long ways off.