Jolly's posts

I looooove the color pallets
There's such a cozy feel
although I end up hating being in customer service jobs more than ever XD but i digress

@Totalanimefan:
@Vii:

Thank you both for talking to me, this has helped me a lot into cooling down and making the right decisions ;;
I'm much happier that I settled down and decided to work it out with him. He is exactly the right person for me, he just still has a little darkness in him from a long-winded trauma that he only very recently got out of. I see his efforts though and even though it still hurts a lot, I dont feel like I'm suffering or anything.
He's cleaning himself up, it'll take time, but I can see that he really means to try and that he values my attempts to push him forward.

Here's to hoping that things go well! Got him m&ms to help with the nervous fidgets and he's definitely eating them out of sake cups to limit consumption (working on self discipline) lmao
Put phones and games down some more, working on creating solid routines and reducing ourselves to 1-2 video games so we dont over indulge and can work on simplifying our downtime. Makes it easier to cut down gaming hours too, and instead read books or do other things that get the brain moving healthily.

@totalanimefan:
siiighhh, ptsd is such a hard thing to live with sometimes. I'm still nervous to call it what it is, but it's very much valid for you too.

I'm glad that the 4 people i relied on during all this had stopped me from doing anything rash. took almost 24 hours to get me to not throw him out as a reflexive decision.

I talked with him more and he's handed over all the ropes. he's not to touch money aside from allowance id provide for gas or necessity. he cleaned the entire home spotless, organized all surfaces and canceled his subs, deleted the mobile games he was pouring money into. we're trying to wipe away all payments from his account and start clean.

it's all minor things but he swears to work on this moving forward and to make it up. we'll see how he redeems himself for 5 months of being slimy

i guess its worth saying, I'm also scared of what he might do to himself if his remorse IS sincere.
hes not threatening anything or anything like that but like.... hes not okay.


everyone i talk with whose close to me or both of us says i should give him the chance, given the context that he needs to learn how to start over after losing abusive family. HRNNNGGHH I'm too angry but I do trust the judgement of my friends.

@totalanimefan:
I immediately stopped seeing who this person is and all I could see are all the demons in my past and a total stranger, all at once. This is why I needed to step aside to clear my head for a few days (and to get through my 11 hour shifts without being emotional). Make sure I'm not judging him for someone else's similar sins..

but I also don't want to set myself up for hurt. this was too much on me. I always give chances, always think that maybe someone could act reasonably.

I have had no issue telling him exactly how I feel without filter. I want to think that his deeply expressed remorse is sincere, but i just never know anymore. so i can hardly give more than silence after last night.
he handed me his wallet to safekeep, so far he's canceled 2 subscriptions and i need to make sure he cancels the rest. he gave me his logins to eye his statements. It feels dirty to hold these things and like such a toxic situation. we have separate finances so i don't like controlling his like this. id like to think he cared enough about me and our fur/feather babies that he wouldn't go this far in the first place.

as always venting on here helps a lot
i have a good support system irl but i cry too much so this is more helpful :'xxx

best they don't know anything

coffee today is more bitter but brings me a hint of relief

maybe two or three of you might remember i had similar trouble with dishonesty or like... is this dude not gonna put equal effort.

i mean.. I'm torn thinking he has been true all along but hides the things that makes him feel less than me. weed and low finances doesn't make anyone less than anyone, but i feel this is a sense in his mind while watching me succeed and fulfill my dreams. while he sits in my shadow, too fussed to lift a finger and can't be honest with anyone. or too depressed to.

hes done some really really hard shit to gain freedom away from his horrible family. he did that, himself, he physically fought for his future and ours together. but he never stopped lying in an area that could destroy all we fought for. money ain't everything but uh.. well we can't have anything without it. not the roof or the food, and we now have 2 animals to care for.

i want to think there's something to redeem here

(update: I've cooled down and am working through this. THank you for advice as always, you guys are always there when I need someone the most <3 tyty)



WHAT THE FUUUCCC@$%@$^&#

I'm so angry
and so so so hurt
this motherfffffff

Right when everything was looking good in life, I thought I finally had this normal life with normal levels of oxygen, less threats on my life and a good fiance at my side who i can count on.

To start, I came home from work last night and I started stressing about my finances being so tight again, cause I noticed my cars gas has been depleting a lot faster than what seemed normal. I cried a bit and after i calmed, I remembered that my fiance has been paying for the gas lately and he doesn't have a job right now. So with innocent intention, I asked to see his statements to see what its been costing him so that I can reimburse. Actually first I asked how much money he had left, cause he's been saying 3k for a month now so i felt that maybe he wasn't checking his accounts often enough.

Anyway, he suddenly got very nervous and he said "I don't want to show you because I'm embarrassed by it"
I'm like hey, it's ok to not have a job, i got us. you're doing what you can, I only want to help since you've been pitching in a lot here, I don't want you to hit the negatives.

we're fiance, we can do this together.

He starts to admit he lied about what money he has, that he's basically almost out of money. his checking has been pulling from his savings a lot cause he's overcharging. I convince him to let me see, because i was still convinced it was gas and other stuff i knew about. like lie aside, i trusted him and im just here to help until he gets on his feet again.

but it was drugs.
weed, soft drugs, not inherently wrong, but given more context im furious.

there were also a ton of extra charges for eating out behind my back a lot, buying video games, subscriptions to services, paying for ad blocks on mobile games, buying ingame contents very frequently. his credit card has a long list of late payments and its over a hundred in the hole cause of weed once again.

before we started dating i made it pretty fucking clear, I've had only very painful experiences with drug users, even if it's "just weed". i don't want it in my life or in my partner, I'm done dealing with it.
i don't care what my friends do with it so if he chose to use it, we could've stopped while we were ahead and remained friends. but he said it's not something he wanted to do anyways so no issue there.
well he started in February and lied to me since.

lied about drugs, lied about finances, lied about academics, lied about applying for jobs, lied

while I'm over here working my ASS off and getting no time to rest, he's over here sabotaging finances and nuking our relationship.

I haven't kicked him out since i felt i needed time to think and clear my head. but i don't know if i can ever trust him again. or anyone for that matter, it's always lies!


i guess for a quick filler, we've been through a ton together. just moved across the country together, me thinking i had an awesome supportive healthy relationship. now I'm quite terrified if i may be alone in this city soon

@klo tklarau:
OH Im sorry, I didnt realize that was a format thing, it looked like it was what you responded with x'''D sorry!
If you're trying to remove it, go to your settings > forum and remove from the post format spot. Or like if you wanna pretty it up more so it doesn't blend with your normal text, lemme know if you need help with the coding :D

Your dog sounds lovely though <3 Ive only lived with a dog one time that i can recall, they're a lot of fun! I work too many long hours though so I cant get a dog :' ) got a cat since they're a little more self sufficient and happy alone for several hours at a time.

@totalanimefan:
Yeah the job market is a bit sad lol I've had issues in the past with it too, I just managed to hit the lotto with this mattress company.
He's had interviews but like, those weird ones where you have to record yourself answering questions. so its not a "real" interview.
then one that started making him do work without pay >>
maybe something good will pop up soon so he doesnt lose his mind being home so much! XD

Ohhh good luck with college! :D
hopefully you can get in-person classes so its less complicated to learn

@klo tklarau:
Oh, dont be so negative. lol But I'm always down to chat about pets! Do you have any?

@blue:
Thank you!
I dont believe I've met you in the past, but its great to meet you now ^^

@ark:
It feels incredibly good ;v;;;
Scary sometimes cause life is so insanely expensive, but its worth it!

@totalanimefan:
I moved down here the last few days of June. I had a fun adventure XD crazy hotels and all!
It definitely felt like a lot fell into our laps the whole way and continue to. Its been very nice. The only trouble is that my fiance cant get a job, the market for that is TERRIBLE right now. But I can afford everything on my wage so that takes the pressure off--plus, the animals love him being home.

Thank you!
We got engaged kinda casually around the same time lmaoo there was no traditional standard of the bent knee and all that, cause he knows I don't like that kinda thing. We talked about it and agreed that we're confident in each other and very happy in the relationship.
and we always say, if we could get through all that we've been through together and still be laughing, we can do anything together XD

Its only been a year but holy poop, he and I have experienced a lot of changes together. We feel much happier for it, though

Oh fkdgjhksdf HOW COULD I FORGET TO ADD A PICTURE after mentioning new baby

I have remembered to check back on here again after a couple of months! xd
sorry I've gotten so bad at this ever since I started working full time! But I still love you guys~

UPDATES
Last update I think I mentioned how my job was letting me relocate to TX, which blew my mind cause I had been trying to leave CO for almost a decade for health and stuff.

WELL IT HAS BEEN WONDERFUL SO FAR!

Job has treated me very well and I feel safeee
The city we moved to sucks eggs, but its only a temporary thing just to get started down here. Besides, still better than where we came from! The main sucky thing is just the traffic :D

I also got a lil black kitten I named Shiva
*she states with bandaids all over hands/arms*

My bird also lives with me again which is GREAT, he loved the road trip down here and... well he loves everything no matter what happens. He's easy to please lmao

I'm engaged as well, its been a lot of fun doing life together with someone that I can fart and laugh with.


I'm so happy that life finally feels like it's where it should be for me. Like I know there's always ups and downs, but I feel like I can finally begin to heal from all the trauma over the last 9 years, because I'm officially out of ALL of that. All situations are behind me and I can only look forward and in the present now. I can stress over totally regular things like I want more time off (but dont want a pay decrease from it XDD)

I hope you guys are doing well too <3 I'm sorry I dont check in and chat as much anymore D:
Memory of a fish

@Totalanimefan:
Yeah I started to feel it a bit today when watching some news stuff on youtube. Guess there was a clip recorded of something and the woman started screaming and I honestly can't tell you what the story was about cause I just sorta shut down at the noise. Its all auditory for me. It also helps that my bird will demand attention when he knows someone's upset. He's a crazy little budgie but he's real smart Lol

Yeah, there's that and also people are moving to states that have dropped mask mandates, which is so crazy to me.
also I LOVE WALKABLE PLACES! It feels sooooooo good to be able to just. walk. anywhere you need to go. I get so much more done that way cause I'll forever hate driving Lol I remember us both talking about how much cars suck, so I'm very happy for you that you dont have to worry about having one there. <3
I'm actually tossing a lot of my furniture for this move cause its really cheap, under $100 desk/tables that were meant to be throw aways once I leave colorado. I've had them for a couple years and they're already falling apart lmao
But this will make it a lot quicker, I have most other things packed already. My company's paying for my uhaul and also sending me a check to help cover my lease break, so things are going way smoother than I imagined. I have a lot more of my savings to keep or work with.

@MoodyB:
Thank you, I'm definitely certain I'll feel more at ease before long <3
Still want counseling of course. But it does help that my new job location has more people working there, so I'll never have shifts again where there's only me and one other on staff for 11 hours. There will always be safe people and safe numbers~

@Totalanimefan:
Thank you for the advice! I'll keep the thigh tapping thing in mind, it makes sense how that can help.
My triggers aren't frequent, but my partner knows what sounds will do it and he recognizes when my mind is bordering on a fit. He helps a lot by patting or rubbing my shoulder or knee (whatever's in reach) and talking to me. Maybe that's a similar thing.

But yes, I'm so excited to be where I want to be. I remember talking with you last year about things like this. I knew I'd get there eventually but I can't believe its officially official and I"ll really achieve it this year! Like, on the 25th of this month exactly. It feels unreal.
Its also crazy to me that my partner has wanted this for longer than I have, so I have the perfect person to go on these adventures with. We enjoy long car rides together so even though a 14 hour drive down there is a bit daunting, we're excited for that too.

I'll try to be better at updating :'D